It’s Best To Skimp Over Some Guys

| Utah, USA | Romantic | September 18, 2012

(I’m at the end of a blind date with an awkward-but-sweet guy.)

Guy: “I really had fun. I’d like to see you again.”

Me: “Me too. I have to work overtime this week, but next week, I’m free.”

(We set up a time to go out again. The next day, a text comes in.)

Guy: “So, can we go out tonight?”

Me: “Sorry, I get home late and I have to work early. I’ll see you next Tuesday, though!”

(The next day, I get another text.)

Guy: “Can I see a picture of you in a bathing suit?”

Me: “No! That’s not something I show any guy!”

(In addition to being self-conscious, I am a very modest person, so I don’t do that sort of thing. The next day…)

Me: “How are you doing?”

Guy: “Good, but you haven’t sent me a bikini shot. Can we go out tonight?”

(That night, I talk to the friend who set us up.)

Me: “He wants to see me in a bikini. That’s kind of creepy.”

My Friend: “Oh, well, he’s trying to narrow down the three girls he’s dating and he wants to see all of them in bikinis.”

Me: “Well, then I can narrow it down to two!”

State Of The Toilets Have Been Far Purse

| VA, USA | Right | March 19, 2011

Female guest: “Excuse me. Can you tell the boys to stop peeing in the purse holders?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Female guest: “In the port-a-potties. Can you tell the boys to stop peeing in the purse holder?”

Me: “Do you mean the urinals?”

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Technology To Shout About

| London, UK | Right | January 14, 2011

Me: “Hello sir, I’ve just come to put a microphone on you.”

Client: “I hate those things. Do I need one? I can project.”

Me: “You have an audio conference call on this event, so you need to speak into a microphone. Otherwise, people calling in won’t hear anything.”

Client: “Can’t I just shout?”

Me: “From London to Mumbai?”

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Leuk Who’s Talking

| New Zealand | Right | December 24, 2010

(A lady jumps the extremely long line to see Santa.)

Lady: “Hey, do you mind if we go next? My son actually has leukemia and we need to get to the hospital to get his treatment.”

Child: “Mum, I don’t have leukemia.”

Lady: “I told you to SHUT UP!”

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Wearing Law Suits Will Get You Law Suits

| Austin, TX, USA | Right | November 25, 2010

(My friends and I are on a mock trial team. We’re all about sixteen, and we have to wear suits to court, like a real trial. We were using a courtroom that no one was using for the day. During a recess, the doors burst open and a woman storms in.)

Woman: “I demand a lawyer!”

Us: “Uh…”

Woman: “You! You there!”

Me: “Who, me?”

Woman: “Yes! I want you to be my lawyer!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not a real lawyer.”

Woman: “But you’re in a courtroom! People in courtrooms are lawyers. That’s why I came here to get one.”

Me: “We’re just using it because there’s no one here today. This is a mock trial.”

Woman: “But you’ve got a briefcase!”

Me: “Ma’am, that does have our case information in it, but it’s not a real case. This is mock trial. It simulates a trial. It’s supposed to be exactly like a real one, but…it’s…not.”

Woman: “You’re not a real lawyer? I’m going to sue you for false advertisement. I bet you haven’t even gone to law school!”

Me: “No, I haven’t. And that’s not exactly how suing someone works. I mean, would you sue Tom Cruise for playing a lawyer in A Few Good Men even though he’s not one?”

*pause*

Woman: “But…but you’re wearing a suit!”

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