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This Piemaker Will Never Understand Pi

, , , , | Working | February 25, 2013

(I’m in charge of making pies for my work. On this particular day, we’ve sold quite a few, so I’m looking in the fridge at remaining pie.)

Me: “Man, we sold a lot of pie! I better make more tomorrow.”

Coworker: “Yeah! We sold so much! There’s only one left! How many did you make?”

Me: “Four.”

Coworker: “Wow, you made four pies, and there’s only one left, so that’s like…”

(I stare at him a moment, waiting to see what he’s going to say.)

Coworker: “Um…”

Me: “Three. We sold three pies.”

Coworker: “Yeah! We sold three pies, and now there’s one left!”

Cold Hearts Can Leave You In The Cold

, , , , , , | Working | January 22, 2013

(Even though I have graduated college, I still use the campus fitness center almost daily. I’m used to the student employees there being rude and late to open the gym in the morning, and I’ve had problems with campus security being unhelpful in the past. This particular morning, I wake up to a blizzard. As I pull up to the gym, I see four other regulars waiting outside the door: two old ladies and two students, one of whom is in shorts. Keep in mind it’s 6:00 am in January in Minnesota.)

Me: “Hi, guys! I take it no one is here yet?”

Old Lady #1: “Yeah, we’ve all been here since six and there is no sign of anyone yet.”

Me: *to the student in shorts* “Do you want to go sit in my car and turn the heat on? I really don’t mind.”

Student In Shorts: “No, I’m okay. I’m sure they’ll be here soon.”

(Ten minutes later…)

Old Lady #2: “Okay, this is starting to get silly. Maybe I should call campus security and see if someone can let us in.”

Student #2: “I tried five minutes ago. No one answered.”

Me: “I bet you all a million dollars that even if someone from security did come, they’d say it was against policy to let us in.”

Old Lady #1: *laughs* “Even they won’t be that ridiculous!”

Me: *to the student in shorts* “Are you sure you don’t want to sit in my car?”

Student In Shorts: “I’m still fine. It can’t be much longer.”

(After 20 more minutes of making small talk and pacing around, we are starting to get angry and contemplate just leaving.)

Old Lady #1: “Hey, I think there is someone at the front desk! Finally, we can go inside!”

(We all rush to the door, and, sure enough, there is a campus security guard leaning against the front desk. She doesn’t seem to see us, so we start knocking on the door.)

Me: “Hey, can you let us in, please?”

Student In Shorts: “Hello!”

Old Lady #2: “Woman! Open the d*** door!”

(The guard looks in our direction and clearly sees all of us waving, but she doesn’t move and looks away.)

Old Lady #1: “Oh ,you’ve got to be f***ing kidding me. Hey!”

(We continue knocking and yelling until she finally slowly walks over and opens the door.)

Security Guard: “I’m sorry, I can’t let you in until the employee gets here. It’s against procedure.”

Old Lady #2: “You can’t be serious.”

Security Guard: “There’s nothing I can do.”

Me: “Can’t you just let us stand inside? We don’t have to go to the gym. We’ll just sit on those benches until the employee gets here.”

Security Guard: “No.”

Old Lady #1: “We’re not going to do anything. What does it matter if we just sit there?”

Security Guard: “It’s against procedure.”

Old Lady #2: “That girl is in shorts and we’ve all been out here since six! Just let us in the d*** building! You can stand and watch us sit on the bench if you’re worried.”

Security Guard: “No.” *closes the door*

(By this point, we’ve all had enough and decide to just keep pounding on the door and yelling until the guard finally lets us sit inside. She grumbles and complains about this until the student worker finally shows up. By now, it’s 7:00 am.)

Old Lady #1: *to the student worker* “It’s about d*** time, young lady. Why are you so late?”

Student Worker: “I felt like sleeping in. Plus, it looked so cold outside. I didn’t want to leave.”

Student In Shorts: “Wait, don’t you live on campus?”

Student Worker: “Yeah, so?”

Student In Shorts: “Which building are you in?”

Student Worker: *says building name*

Me: “The one across the street from this building?!”

Student Worker: “I didn’t want to deal with the cold!”

(The other regulars and I were left speechless. I still see that student worker some mornings. If it wasn’t for the fact that I can use the gym for free, I’d never go back!)


This story is part of our Chilly Weather Roundup!

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Harry Potter And The Butter Knife Of Gryffindor

, , , , | Related | January 16, 2013

(I am a HUGE Potterhead. My mom is highly religious and thinks that anything to do with “witchery” is evil.)

Mom: “Honey, is this your necklace?” *holds out locket*

Me: *gasps* “Slytherin’s locket!”

(I grab a butter knife, or “Gryffindor’s sword,” and stab the necklace repeatedly.)

Mom: “Uhm…”

Me: “Two more Horcruxes to go. Woo! LETS GO KILL VOLDEMORT!”

(My mom just stared in silent horror.)


This story is part of our Creepy Kids roundup!

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America: Canada’s Shoes

, , , | Right | December 3, 2012

(Because our store is located fairly close to the Canadian border, we sometimes get customers from Canada who come to take advantage of our sales. It is Black Friday.)

Customer: “Why is it so busy? I’ve never had to wait in line so long!”

Me: “I apologize for the wait, ma’am, but it is Black Friday.”

Customer: “So? We don’t have this madness on Fridays in Canada!”

Me: “It’s Black Friday. It’s the day after our Thanksgiving, where stores have the biggest sales of the year, which means we are really busy.”

Customer: “Well, I shouldn’t have had to wait in line so long! I’m from Canada! I didn’t know it would be this busy!”

Me: “With all due respect, ma’am, why did you drive three hours to shop today?”

Customer: “Because it’s the biggest sale of the year!”

Me: “That’s also why so many Americans are here.”

Customer: “Still! I’m from Canada! We don’t have Black Friday!”


This story is part of our Black Friday roundup!

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This story is part of our Canada Day roundup!

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Pretty Bad Behavior

, , , , | Related | October 16, 2012

(I am playing a game with a little girl, when a five-year-old boy comes up to me with another game.)

Boy: “Will you play this with me?”

Me: “I’m playing this game with [Little Girl] right now, but as soon as I’m done I’ll play that one with you, okay?

Boy: “You’re pretty.”

Me: “Thanks, but you’re still going to have to wait until I’m done. Nice try, though.”

Boy: “Aw. That always works when Daddy says it!”

(We had a chat with his father about role-modelling healthy, non-manipulative behavior.)