Military Intelligence, Part 5

, , , , , | Right | April 24, 2010

(A customer drives up to my window and hands me ticket.)

Me: “Hello, sir. The charge is $8, please.”

(The customer hands over money and then looks at screen which displays charge amount.)

Customer: “You know, your screen is confusing. Before, it said 18, and now it says 8.”

Me: “Yes, the screen displays the time before the ticket is read.”

Customer: “Hmm, then you better fix your clocks. I don’t think I have ever heard of 18 o’clock.”

Me: “The clock is on military time.”

Customer: “Oh…”

Friend in Customer’s Car: “Didn’t you serve in Iraq?”

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Too Ham Fisted To Realize

, , , , | Right | March 23, 2010

Me: “Hello, ma’am. What can I get for you today?”

Customer: “Do you have any kosher ham here?”

Me: “No, I don’t think there is such a thing.”

Customer: “Darn it! I’ve been to three stores today, and none of them had it either. My husband’s parents are in town, and they’re Jewish. I wanted to make them dinner.”

Me: “I don’t think Jews are allowed to eat pig.”

Customer: “Duh, that’s why I need to get it kosher, so they can eat it.”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t think they make any kosher ham.”

Customer: “What about pork?”

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Judging Helps You To (Ac)Quit Unhealthy Eating

, , , , | Right | March 23, 2010

(A woman comes into my cashier line with a single bag of chips.)

Me: “Did you find everything you were looking for today?”

Customer: “You rang me up last time! Don’t judge me!”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Customer: “You’re judging me! Stop judging me!”

Me: “Ma’am, I was just asking if you found everything.”

Customer: “Stop judging me!” *begins gasping hysterically*

Manager: “Ma’am, how can I assist you? What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “She’s judging me! She’s going to call my husband!”

Me: “Ma’am, I have no idea who your husband is. I won’t be calling him.”

Customer: “You rang me up last time and now you’re judging me!”

Manager: “What did she say to you?”

Customer: “Nothing! But she knows I bought these chips yesterday!”

Me: “Ma’am, I may have rung you up yesterday, but I don’t recall doing so. I handle hundreds of transactions.”

Customer: “You’re lying! You know I bought these chips and you know that I’ve eaten the whole bag already and you’re going to call my husband! I was going to sneak these into the house so he wouldn’t know I’d finished the bag but you’re judging me!”


This story is part of our Weird Checkout Encounters roundup!

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The Tenth Circle Is Stupidity

, , , , | Right | March 19, 2010

(A customer looks at our new game ‘Dante’s Inferno.’)

Customer: “Is this, like about Dante from Devil May Cry?”

Me: “No, it’s based on the poems.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “It’s was originally a series of poems. The Divine Comedy.”

Customer: “So, it’s a book?”

Me: “No, it’s a game based on the poems from the Divine Comedy.”

Customer: “What? So, it’s a game, then? What the heck is a poem?”


This story is part of our Poetry roundup!

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Cheap Computers Are Not Enough Of A Steal

, , , , , | Right | March 9, 2010

Customer: “I need to get a seven-inch screen computer that will fit on my lap when I use it. Please, sell me one now!”

Me: “I’d be happy to help you find a laptop.”

Customer: “Well, first off, I don’t want a laptop. I want a computer with a seven-inch screen that can sit on my lap while I’m using it.”

Me: “Okay, follow me, sir.”

(I find him his computer. A few hours pass and the customer leaves holding a small box in his arms. The alarm sounds as he leaves the building. I rush up and bring him back inside.)

Customer: “What is all this about! I stole nothing! I bought this computer! I paid for it just a minute ago!”

Me: *searching his things* “Sir, you have a wireless mouse, 3 CDs, 2 DVDs, a camera, and a portable radio hidden in your jacket. You can’t just walk out of here without paying for those.”

Customer: “But I bought the computer!”


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