Not Quite What They Meant By “Immaculate Conception”

, , , , | Healthy | August 26, 2020

I’ve been in the ER enough to know that there is no avoiding the “you’re a woman; you must be pregnant” song and dance, despite the multiple variables that stand in the way of me personally conceiving. I’ve started having fun with my answers.

Nurse: “Is there any chance you might be pregnant?”

Me: “Nope.”

Nurse: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Positive. Unless… babe, did your lack of penis knock me up again?”

Wife: “I’ve gotta stop doing that.”

On another occasion:

Nurse: “Is there any chance you might be pregnant?”

Me: “I’m on a few different birth controls, so I really hope not.”

Nurse: “What method of birth control do you use?”

Me: “An IUD and lesbianism. I really hope that second one still works.”

On one memorable occasion, the nurse replied, “Girl, me, too!”

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Me No Speak Americano, Part 6

, , , , | Right | August 25, 2020

We own a coffee shop with a small parking lot in an area where on-street parking is difficult, so we often get people parking in our lot with no intention of coming into our shop, even though the spots are marked, “For [Coffee Shop] customers only.”

One afternoon, a husband and wife with a teenage son park in our lot. The son grabs a few boxes out of the back of the car, so I am pretty sure they are not coming into the shop. As they walk past our door, I see the husband and wife stop and briefly talk, and the wife comes into the shop while the husband and son walk across the street.

She spends a few moments scanning our menu board. I know what she is doing: “paying” for parking by purchasing the cheapest item on our menu.

Customer: “I’ll take an… espresso? To go.”

A plain shot of espresso is the least expensive item on our menu, and it’s only two ounces, so people usually don’t take it to go. I put it in our smallest paper cup, which is eight ounces, put a lid on it, and hand it to her. The customer notices how light the cup feels and looks inside.

Customer: “What the heck is this?”

Me: “It’s a double shot of espresso, just like you ordered.”

Customer: “What am I supposed to do with this?”

Me: “Most people just drink it. I can give you a carbonated water chaser; some people like that. If you’d like, I can add hot water to make it an Americano, which would be similar to a cup of coffee.”

Customer: “This is stupid. Just add water to it!”

I never saw them again.

Me No Speak Americano, Part 5
Me No Speak Americano, Part 4
Me No Speak Americano, Part 3
Me No Speak Americano, Part 2
Me No Speak Americano

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The Education That Time Forgot, Part 2

, , , , , | Right | August 24, 2020

I work at a state park where we have some rather large grindstones/kettlestones set up around our visitor center. I get this question almost every day from seventy-year-old elderly folks, to forty-year-old parents, to five-year-old children, even though we have giant posters explaining that they are very round rocks that helped carve out our potholes/kettleholes years ago.

Customer: “Is that a dinosaur egg?”

Me: “What? Uh… no. No, it’s not.”

The Education That Time Forgot

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Unfiltered Story #206178

, , | Unfiltered | August 24, 2020

This was a few years ago, and I was working at a video rental place. I’d worked there for about three years at this point and have had many interesting customer interactions. This was one of the best.

One day a Hispanic looking family walks into the video store. The family consists of a mother, father, teenage daughter, and a son that looks around 9 or 10 years old.

Me: Can I help you with anything today?

Young Boy: No it’s okay. We’re just looking.

His family (in Spanish) stared conversing with him, asking what I said before walking off to do their shopping. It was very clear at that point that the only person in the family that spoke English was the son.

I periodically checked with them a couple of times in the half hour they were there, but each time after a conversation in Spanish, the son said they were good.

After they make their purchases and I start ringing them up, the wife turns to the husband.

Wife: (In Spanish) Why doesn’t anyone around here speak Spanish?

Husband: (In Spanish) It’s because they’re stupid.

The whole family laughs like it’s the best joke they’ve ever heard.

Unbeknownst to them, the entire time they’ve been there I’ve understood everything they’ve said due to four years of high school Spanish, and the fact that my sister married a Costa Rican man who spoke mostly Spanish as well.

I ignore the slight and continue to ring them up. However, as they are leaving I turn to them and say in perfect Spanish…

Me: (In Spanish) Thank you! Have a wonderful day and enjoy your movies!

I’ve never seen anyone scoot out of the door so fast.

How Do I Put This Deli-cately, Part 4

, , , | Right | August 17, 2020

I work in the produce department, and I pick up a call from a customer who already seems somewhat agitated.

Me: “Produce department, how can I help you?”

Caller: “My mom was just in about fifteen minutes ago and bought a container of potato salad. She bought the white potato salad, and I like the red, but she didn’t check to see if you had red. So, do you have the red potato salad?”

Me: “Well, potato salad isn’t a produce item; that would usually be in the deli department.”

Caller: “No, my mom was just there and bought it! Over in that end cooler! It’s a seasonal item and it’s back and I want to know if there’s red potato salad.”

Me: “Again, ma’am, the potato salad is located in the deli, but I will go check just to make sure, in case I missed it.”

I give the customer the benefit of the doubt and check our only cooler that might hold potato salad, and there’s none. But I know for a fact that the deli department has potato salad year-round.

Me: “Well, ma’am, I’m sorry, but we don’t have potato salad in our department. If I were you, I’d check with the deli.”

Caller: “Well, that’s something — that my mom was just in there not fifteen minutes ago and bought potato salad, and now you’re telling me you’re out!”

Me: “It is strange, ma’am, especially since we don’t carry potato salad in the produce department; that’s in the deli department.”

Caller: “But I know you have it! She bought when she got her rotisserie chicken! You know, in the big cooler next to all the yogurt!”

Our rotisserie chickens are located in the deli, with the potato salad, next to the yogurt section.

Me: “Yes, ma’am. And that’s all over in the deli department, not the produce department.”

The caller then proceeded to hang up the phone without another word. A couple of minutes later, I heard an announcement overhead for the deli to pick up a call. I’m glad she found the right department this time.

How Do I Put This Deli-cately, Part 3
How Do I Put This Deli-cately, Part 2
How Do I Put This Deli-cately

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