The Joke That Killed Itself

, , , , , | Learning | October 18, 2017

(As I am leaving a trumpet lesson, I sling my backpack onto my shoulders, followed by my trumpet case, which has a shoulder strap, and a messenger bag that I carry my music folder around in, since it is too large for my backpack. I now have a bag over each shoulder, in addition to my backpack. I make some little quip about how much stuff I had to carry, and my teacher chuckles.)

Teacher: “Ha. Yeah, you look like a suicide bomber.”

(Having no idea how to respond, I said something like, “Ha, okay,” and promptly left.)

The Customer Doesn’t Sound Like A Real Man

, , , , , | Right | October 16, 2017

(I’m a large man, not quite 300 pounds, and keep my beard well-trimmed.)

Me: “Hello, welcome to [Convenience Store]. Pump seven is ready for inside payment.”

(A few moments later, the customer comes in to pay for his gas.)

Customer: “I hate to tell you this, but you sound like a female on the intercom. I hope that doesn’t offend you or anything.”

Me: “It’s only offensive if you think there’s something wrong with being a woman.”

Unfiltered Story #97615

, , | Unfiltered | October 15, 2017

I have recently gotten remarried and have had a name change along with it. Because of the cost of divorce, and since my ex and I are on really good terms, I’d only gotten divorced and couple months prior. This means in the span of 3 or 4 months, my name has changed twice; married name 1 to maiden name, then to married name 2. Now that I’ve finally gotten my state ID, I’m trying to get my named changed at the bank.

Me: What do I need to get my name changed? Is my new and old ID enough or do I need a copy of my marriage certificate?

Teller: I think we need your certificate.

Me: Ok, I’ll bring it next time. I’m just cashing this check then (note that this check has my maiden name on it, however my debit card still has married name 1 on it because I hadn’t received the new one yet)

Teller: (looking at my check and debit card) These names don’t match.

Me: I know, I haven’t gotten my new card yet but I should be in the system under (maiden name).

Teller: It’s not

Me: It’s not? I thought I changed it months ago. I have my old ID and the yellow papers of that helps.

Teller: I can’t cash it if the name doesn’t match

Me: I cash at this branch all the time, how is it just a problem this time? I have all my papers and I’ve been a customer here since before my first marriage, you probably still have my old name in your files.

Teller: I can’t cash it of the name doesn’t match.

Me: *getting flustered and upset now* Then can I cash it like I don’t bank here?

Teller: I can’t cash it if the name doesn’t match!

Me: It does match my ID!

Teller: You can talk to my manager

Me: Fine

(I then proceed to wait nearly 10 minutes for the manager to appear. As she approaches me in the seating area, she starts talking to me loudly from about 30 feet away without even hearing what I have to say)

Manager: We can’t cash your check if the name doesn’t match!

Me: *getting angry* Whatever, I’m going to a different branch! You’re all idiots here!

Not only did I not have a problem cashing my check at a different branch, when I went later in the week with all of my papers (the divorce papers as well as my new marriage papers) to my prefered branch, I was told that my name in the system WAS currently under my maiden name and there shouldn’t have been any problem cashing my check at the first place. The banker said she’d put copies of the forms in my file just in case anyways.

What An Alco-Hole

, , , , , , | Right | October 12, 2017

(Here in Minnesota we have strict liquor laws concerning selling anything other than 3.2 beer after 10:00 pm. If anyone sells alcohol past that time, both the cashier and the business get a very hefty fine. Imagine my grim surprise when, two minutes after closing, the door opens and a woman rushes in.)

Customer: “I know you’re closed, but I just got off the phone with the woman in charge. She said I could buy alcohol as long as it’s five minutes after.”

Me: “You talked to my boss?”

Customer: “Yes.”

(Thankfully, since my boss is cool, and I work in a small town liquor store, I’m allowed to be rude to fools.)

Me: *laughs* “You heard wrong.”

Customer: “She totally told me that. Where is she?”

Me: “She’s been gone for six hours; it’s just me here. But what is it you wanted?”

Customer: “I told her I was just going to get a pint of [Cognac].”

Me: *laughs even harder* “Ma’am, we’ve been out of [Cognac] for weeks. Well, I do have 1.75L of it left, but if you really need it that bad, it’ll cost $20,046.”

Customer: “What?! Why is it so expensive?!”

Me: “Because of all the fines we’ll receive for selling after ten o’clock, plus a little extra for me so I can find myself a new job after I sell it to you.”

Customer: *getting defensive* “Well, you don’t have to get hostile. I’ll call her back and get you fired, anyway!”

Me: *shrugs* “I wouldn’t hold your breath.”

(She angrily left, and I called my boss. Obviously, she never got a phone call from someone about coming in late. After a bit of speculation and calling around, we discovered that there was a new girl working two miles down the road at a separate liquor store, who answered the call. I saved her a massive fine.)

Unfiltered Story #96681

, | Unfiltered | October 8, 2017

<em>(I’m the wrong one in this story. For reference, I work at a pretty popular craft store and sometimes people bring dogs in with them. I’m standing with a coworker nearly on the other end of the store from the couple I’m observing.)</em>

Me: Is that a dog???

Coworker: What?

Me: Does that couple have a dog with them?

Coworker: *looks where I’m looking* Oh, that older couple? Maybe.

Me: It kind of looks like a puppy.

Coworker: Oh, I have to go look!

<em>(She walks that direction and comes back a moment later.)</em>

Coworker: They’re holding flowers.

Me: *mental facepalm* That would explain why they’re looking at vases.

<em>(In my defense, I was far away, and the bundle in the gentleman’s arms looked round and dog-like. But it wasn’t a dog. Sigh.)</em>

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