The Gift Card That Keeps On Giving, Part 7

, , , , | Right | February 14, 2018

(I am cashiering at my store, where we have a rewards program for cardholders.)

Me: “Hi there. Find everything all right today?”

Customer: “Yes, thank you!”

(As I scan the first item, she looks confused.)

Customer: “That shirt was supposed to be 50% off.”

(When we scan items into the computer, it will automatically take off any discounts that we are currently offering, and the item is showing up as full price.)

Me: “Okay, let me just go to where it’s hanging and take a look at the signage to confirm that.”

(I realize the sign we have is a little misleading, so I decide to give her 50% off, anyway, and scan the next item, which also appears at full price.)

Customer: “That one is 60% off.”

(My manager is watching and goes to check the sign.)

Me: “Sorry, looks like that one is just going to be full price today.”

Customer: “But the sign says it’s 60% off.”

Manager: “I’m sure the 60% off sign is for the shirts that are hanging directly underneath it, and not the one you have here, which was hanging several feet away.”

Customer: “Oh, okay, I guess. Also, can I use my rewards?”

Me: *glad she’s not making a fuss about the discount* “Sure! Just let me scan in the coupon for you.”

(When I scan it in, an error message pops up and tells me that the rewards code has already been used in a previous online order.)

Me: “Sorry, the computer is telling me you actually already used this reward.”

Customer: “But I didn’t use it. I didn’t buy anything with it.”

Me: “Well, the computer shows that it was used with an online order. Does that ring a bell?”

Customer: “No! I didn’t use it! I never made any online order!”

Manager: *annoyed at this point* “If you want to use the reward, you’re going to have to call our customer service line and dispute with them that you never used the code. There’s no way for us to just take the rewards money off of your purchase because you said you didn’t use it. Our computer tells us that the code was used.”

Customer: *also highly annoyed with us* “Fine. I’ll call them.” *pays for items and leaves, complaining to her friends that she never used the code*

Me: *to manager* “Yeah, the computer was definitely lying to me, and she was telling the truth. Not like she could have possibly forgotten she used the code.”

Related:
The Gift Card That Keeps On Giving, Part 6
The Gift Card That Keeps On Giving, Part 5
The Gift Card That Keeps On Giving, Part 4

Not Listening Is A Disease

, , , , , | Healthy | January 19, 2018

(I’m in the ER with a dislocated shoulder.)

Nurse: “Are you on any medication?”

Me: “Synthroid, and I have an IUD.”

Nurse: “Any major surgeries?”

Me: “Appendix when I was 16, I had my thyroid removed last year due to cancer, and a few months ago I had a tumor removed from my foot.”

Nurse: “Any history of thyroid issues?”

Me: “Thyroid cancer, yes, last year.”

Nurse: “Any history of cancer?”

Me: “Thyroid. Cancer. Last. Year.”

Nurse: “Any chance you’re pregnant?”

Me: “No.”

Nurse: “You’re married. Are you sexually active?”

Me: “Yes, my wife and I are active.”

Nurse: “Are you sure you’re not pregnant?”

Me: “No, I’m married to a woman.”

Nurse: “When was your last period?”

Me: “When I got my IUD put in last year. I haven’t had one since.”

Nurse: *disbelieving look* “So, you haven’t had a period in several months, but you’re not pregnant?”

My Wife: “Oh, my. We are sexually active. We are married. Lesbians!

(The nurse left. A few minutes later, a male nurse apologetically came in and asked for my history again. He was much better and joked that lesbianisim was the best birth control.)

It’s Time To Mace Your Fears

, , , , | Friendly | January 13, 2018

(I am driving to my friend’s church while I am staying with her. I have never been there before and don’t understand my friend’s bad handwriting. I drive up to a young woman on the sidewalk and wind down the window. We are the only ones here and I am a woman.)

Me: “Hi, could you tell me the way to—”

(The woman backs up several feet and stares wide-eyed at me.)

Woman: *shouting* “Tell your boyfriend to back off because I have bear mace!”

(She then started running down the street and around the corner. I looked behind me, and the only other person was a much older man who I presume had come out of a nearby house, around a hundred yards away. I never saw the woman again and don’t know what she meant.)

Until Undeath Do Us Part, Part 71

, , , , | Romantic | January 10, 2018

(I asked my wife the question. I was raised in the South and went hunting a lot.)

Me: “What would you do if I was bitten by a zombie?”

Wife: “Logically, I’d shoot you. But in reality I have no idea.”

Me: “I’m pretty sure I’d shoot you, but I’m better with guns than you are.”

Wife: “This is true. Eh, we’re together enough that we’d probably be bitten at the same time, anyway.”

Me: “Fair enough.”

Related:
Until Undeath Do Us Part, Part 70
Until Undeath Do Us Part, Part 69
Until Undeath Do Us Part, Part 68

Why Not Throw In The Easter Bunny, While You’re At It?

, , , , , | Right | January 9, 2018

(A little kid understands horns, but he can’t understand how antlers fall off then grow back.)

Little Boy: “So, the animal dies, then the antlers fall off?”

Me: “No, they fall off, and then a new pair grows while the animal is still alive.”

Little Boy: “But the animal dies?”

Me: *getting frustrated* “No. It’s like losing a tooth. You lose one, and a new one grows in, but this happens to some animals once a year.”

Little Boy: “But the tooth fairy makes me lose my teeth.”

Me: “Well, the antler fairy makes them lose theirs.”

Little Boy: “And then she takes them, right?”

Me: “Yeah!”

Little Boy: “But how did you get that one?” *pointing at the antler*

Me: “Well, the antler fairy brings them to zoos so we can tell people about them.”

Little Boy: “But what about Santa?”

Me: *confused* “Santa?”

Little Boy: “Yeah, doesn’t he like to keep the antlers?”

Me: “He keeps some, but the rest he gives to the antler fairy.”

Little Boy: “Ohhhhhhhh.”

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