They’re Not The Sharpest Knife In The Set

, , , | | Right | June 7, 2018

(I work at a home and kitchen supply store.)

Customer: “Excuse me, can I see your flexible cutting boards?”

Me: “Sure!” *I hand her one of our flex boards* “This side with the grid is the grip side, and you cut on the other side, right here.”

Customer: “But that’ll get cut up. There will be marks on it.”

Me: “Well, it is a cutting board.”

Customer: “But there will be knife marks all over it. It will get all marked up!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, but the boards are designed to be cut on. There may be some marks on the board after use, but you’re not going to cut through it, and it’s designed to protect both your knife and your countertops.”

Customer: *turns to leave* “No, I don’t want one of those! There will be knife marks! It will get cut up!”

Call Me Grand-Daddy

, , , , , | | Right | June 7, 2018

(There’s a new movie out called “Dirty Grandpa.”)

Every Single Old Customer That Walks In: “A ticket for Dirty Grandpa. Not that I am one!”

(Then they wink at me and walk away, leaving me desperate for a shower.)

No Red Alerts For This Red Light

, , , , , | | Legal | June 4, 2018

(I pull up to a red light next to a police officer.)

Officer: “You want to race to the next light?”

Me: *surprised* “Sure!”

(I won! No, I didn’t get pulled over; we were both on bicycles. Possibly the first and only time a police officer has challenged someone to a road race.)

Confrontation Is In Their Jeans

, , , , | Right | May 29, 2018

(My mom works at a well-known department store. She answers the phone in a department that is not actually hers, but no one else was around to take the call. A woman is looking for a specific pair of jeans in a different size; she already owns one pair. She is on the phone for about twenty minutes, and this is the gist of the conversation.)

Mom: “[Store], miss’s department. My name is [Mom]; how can I help you?”

Customer: “I’m looking for a pair of [Brand] jeans in a specific color.”

Mom: “Okay, what color are you looking for?”

Customer: “I don’t know what color; there should only be, like, three.”

Mom: “There are more than three colors; it should say which on the tag.”

Customer: “I’ve worn these jeans; there is no tag!”

(After a while, my mom figures out that they don’t have what she’s looking for in the store.)

Customer: “Well, when are you getting more?”

Mom: “I don’t know if we will be; corporate sends us whatever they want to, but you can order them online, if you like.”

Customer: “I don’t have a computer!”

Mom: “Well, you can come to the store and order it from the kiosk.”

Customer: “I’ll get it in 24 hours if I order from the kiosk, right?”

Mom: “That’s only if we have them in store.”

Customer: “Why would I order them from the kiosk if you already have them?”

Mom: “Because we don’t have them.” *this continues for a while longer, and my mom eventually gives up* “Would you like to speak to a manager?”

Customer: “Would you like to shove it up your a**?”

(That’s when my mom hung up on her.)

We Decline Your Solution

, , , , | Right | May 15, 2018

A customer comes to the counter, bottles in hand, and gives me his card to run. It is declined. I give it another shot. Declined again.

He snatches the card back from me, looks at it, licks it with gusto, and attempts to hand it back to me.

I decline, and he cannot figure out why I won’t touch it again.

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