(I pull up to a red light next to a police officer.)

Officer: “You want to race to the next light?”

Me: *surprised* “Sure!”

(I won! No, I didn’t get pulled over; we were both on bicycles. Possibly the first and only time a police officer has challenged someone to a road race.)

(Minneapolis has an annual zombie pub crawl. There’s 10,000 people in attendance and there’s drunken chaos everywhere. It’s late in the night and I’m quite drunk myself. I am trying to get some water from a very tired bartender.)

Me: *yelling* “Can I get a water, please?”

Bartender: “What?!”

(I try several more times, and the combination of my current state and the noise makes her unable to hear me, so I do the only thing that makes sense at the time.)

Me: *in sign language* “Can I have a water, please?”

Bartender: *jumps excitedly, nods and grabs me a water*

Me: *signing and matching her excitement* “You know sign language?”

Bartender: *signing* “Yeah, my grandma is deaf. Have a good night!”

Me: *signing and giving her my last $5* “Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!”

(A husband and wife pull up to the store in a large SUV. They order their food, and are very nice throughout the entire ordering process. However, after they pay, I make the dire mistake of bagging their items when I am informed their food is to go.)

Wife: “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”

Me: “…bagging your things?”

Wife: “BUT THAT’S PLASTIC!”

Me: “Yes?”

Wife: “NO! NO, NO, NO! NO PLASTIC! AUGH!”

Me: “Oh, I’m so sorry about that.”

Wife: “It’s just that plastic is TERRIBLE for the environment! I know it’s not your choice to use them; it’s the company’s, but it’s just so irresponsible! You’ve really upset me! I cannot believe you tried to give me PLASTIC!”

(As she continues to ramble about how she knows it’s not my fault we use plastic bags, but subtly hints that it actually is my fault, I recall the car she and her husband drove up in. I look out the window for a few long moments and eye her car before I look at her meaningfully.)

Me: “Is that your SUV? How many miles per gallon does that get?”

(The woman turned bright red, grabbed her food, and ran out. Her husband apologized to me about “all that” and gave me a tip before he left.)

(I’m answering phones for a big department store when I get this interesting call.)

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [Store]. This is [My Name] speaking. What can I help you with today?”

Guest: “Can I speak to a human?”

Me: *pauses* “Yes.”

Guest: “Oh, is this a human?”

Me: “Yes, my name is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Guest: “Is your store working today?”

Me: “Yes, it is.”

Guest: “Like, can I go in and shop?”

Me: “Again, yes.”

Guest: “Well, thank you, human.”

Me: “Thank you for calling. Have a good day.”

(My grandfather has relayed this story a few times from when he was a kid in the early 1950’s, and says it has always bothered him. In the story, my great uncle walks into the room first. He is a large and stocky person.)

Neighbor: “Looks like you’ve been eating your potatoes.”

(My grandpa walks in. He is very skinny and lanky.)

Neighbor: *looking back at great uncle* “Looks like you’ve been eating his potatoes, too!”