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Once A Marine, Always A Marine

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 11, 2009

(I am a bookseller working toward a teaching credential. While I am not exactly poor, my pay is not stellar, and it is occasionally a stretch for me to manage loans and bills. While walking home from work, I see a middle-aged man asking for money on the corner. He appears to be a veteran. I scrounge around in my purse for change and only find a penny, but I walk up to him, anyway.)

Me: “Hey. I’m one of those jerks who doesn’t carry a lot of cash. So, this is all I have. I hope it helps.”

(I press the penny into the palm of the veteran’s hand. He looks at me. When he speaks, I can tell that he’s not all there, but he sounds genuine.)

Veteran: “You know what? If that’s all you have, then take this.”

(To my amazement, he presses a one-dollar bill into my palm. I shake my head and try to give it back to him.)

Me: “No. You need it more than I do.”

Veteran: “You know what? Take it. I was in the Marines. And my job was to protect this country. And help poor people.”

(Overcome with emotion, I impulsively salute at the veteran. He immediately snaps into a military salute in response. I thank him and start walking again, and he calls after me.)

Veteran: “Hey! Don’t you be spending that on alcohol, now!”

Me: “I won’t, sir!”

(True to my word, I converted the dollar into quarters for laundry, which I desperately needed to do. It really goes to show how some people, even in their greatest hours of need, will still go out of their way to help others out. Wherever you are now, sir, thank you – and to everyone else, please remember to support your troops, since many of them, after the fight, will need all the love they can get.)


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Bagged Himself A Steal

, , , , , , | Right | November 11, 2009

(I work as a cart attendant at a popular retail store. It is a rather slow day and my coworker and I are getting ready to go get more carts when I hear our undercover security guard yelling.)

Undercover Guard: “[Security Guard], stop this guy! He stole an iPod!”

(The security guard heads the guy off at the front but the shoplifter pulls a knife.)

Shoplifter: “Let me by or I’ll cut the s*** out of you!”

(Due to company policy, the security guard has to let him pass due to safety reasons. The shoplifter tries to run out the entrance while a rather elderly looking man is entering. The elderly man then proceeds to clothesline the thief, jump on top of him, punch him in the face, and disarm him. The elderly man stands up.)

Elderly Man: “I got him!”

(All four of us are astonished at what has just happened. As the security guard hauls the shoplifter into the security office to await the police, my fellow cart attendant and I start talking to the old man.)

Coworker: “That was the coolest thing I’ve seen all year!”

Me: “Yeah, where did you learn to do that!?”

Elderly Man: “Oh, that was nothing! I learned how to do that from my DI in basic years ago!”

(It turns out he was a Marine veteran who fought through WWII, the Korean War, and Vietnam! The man was made an honorary employee and given the employee discount for life!)


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Military Intelligence, Part 4

, , , , | Right | October 15, 2009

(A kid walks up and asks to buy a pack of cigarettes.)

Me: “Could I see your ID, please?”

(The kid hands me an un-laminated piece of hand-cut white paper with a picture taped to it and all the “information” handwritten.)

Me: “Seriously, you’re going to try this?”

Customer: “It’s my military ID…”


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Lost In Translation

, , , | Right | October 5, 2009

(I’m a host at a restaurant and I’m talking to a customer after ringing them out.)

Customer: “So, are you in high school?”

Me: “No, I’m in college.”

Customer: “Oh, that’s great! What do you want to do with your degree?”

Me: “Well, I’m majoring in history. I want to get a Ph.D. and be a professor.”

Customer: “Oh, you shouldn’t do that. You should be an air traffic controller!”

Me: “Um… I don’t know if that’s the right job for me. It would be a little too stressful.”

Customer: “But you know what the worst job in the world is?”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “Translator.”

Me: “A translator? Why?”

Customer: “Because the government kills them.”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “It’s true. My husband was in the Navy for 35 years, and after secret meetings, the translators knew too much, so they would take them out back and shoot them.”

Me: “Oh. Wow, that’s… terrible. I guess I won’t be a translator, then.”

Customer: “Good. Remember, become an air traffic controller!”


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Speak For Yourself, Part 3

, , , | Right | April 8, 2009

Customer: “Excuse me.”

Me: “Yes, may I help you?”

Customer: “What is this?”

Me: “A t-shirt.”

Customer: “Who’s the d*** picture of?”

Me: “That’s Grizzly Adams, sir.”

Customer: “No, it’s Charles Manson! How can you sell this in your shop? It’s disgusting!”

Me: “It’s not my shop.”

Customer: “You work here, why don’t you find a real job that doesn’t promote murderers and killing!”

(The customer hands me a card: “[His Name], Army Recruiter.”)


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