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Lost In Translation

, , , | Right | October 5, 2009

(I’m a host at a restaurant and I’m talking to a customer after ringing them out.)

Customer: “So, are you in high school?”

Me: “No, I’m in college.”

Customer: “Oh, that’s great! What do you want to do with your degree?”

Me: “Well, I’m majoring in history. I want to get a Ph.D. and be a professor.”

Customer: “Oh, you shouldn’t do that. You should be an air traffic controller!”

Me: “Um… I don’t know if that’s the right job for me. It would be a little too stressful.”

Customer: “But you know what the worst job in the world is?”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “Translator.”

Me: “A translator? Why?”

Customer: “Because the government kills them.”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “It’s true. My husband was in the Navy for 35 years, and after secret meetings, the translators knew too much, so they would take them out back and shoot them.”

Me: “Oh. Wow, that’s… terrible. I guess I won’t be a translator, then.”

Customer: “Good. Remember, become an air traffic controller!”

This story is part of our customer conspiracy theorists roundup!

Read the next customer conspiracy theorists roundup story!

Read the customer conspiracy theorists roundup!

Speak For Yourself, Part 3

, , , | Right | April 8, 2009

Customer: “Excuse me.”

Me: “Yes, may I help you?”

Customer: “What is this?”

Me: “A t-shirt.”

Customer: “Who’s the d*** picture of?”

Me: “That’s Grizzly Adams, sir.”

Customer: “No, it’s Charles Manson! How can you sell this in your shop? It’s disgusting!”

Me: “It’s not my shop.”

Customer: “You work here, why don’t you find a real job that doesn’t promote murderers and killing!”

(The customer hands me a card: “[His Name], Army Recruiter.”)

The Aircraft Carrier Kind of Gives It Away

, , | Right | March 17, 2009

(This was at a government office on a Navy base.)

Me: “[Program Office], [My Name] speaking. Can I help you?”

Caller: “Can I speak to the homeowner?”

Me: “Sir, this is a naval base, not a residence.”

Caller: “Are you sure?!”

Military Intelligence, Part 3

, , , , , | Right | February 12, 2009

(I work in an English branch of a US coffee chain. Because we’re a naval town, US navy ships always stop here and the sailors come in for ‘a taste of home’…)

Me: “Hello, what would you like?”

Sailor #1: “One of your chocolate frappuccinos.”

Me: “Okay. What size do you want?”

Sailor #1: “Erm… can I ask you a question?”

Me: “Yeah, go on then.”

Sailor #1: “Are your frappuccinos made with ice, like they are back in the States?”

Sailor #2: “Yeah! Good point, man!”

Me: “Yes. Yes, they are made with ice.”

Sailor #2: “Is that British ice or do you get it, like, flown over from the States so it tastes the same?”

Me: “…”

Sailor #1: “Dude! Yeah! Is it going to taste the same as it does at home?!”

Me: “Why don’t you try it and let me know?”

Sailors #1 & #2: “Yeahhh…”

(Their ship was over for about a week and true to their word, they came back to inform me that their drinks did, in fact, taste the same as they did back home.)

The Early Bird Counts Its Chickens In The Bush

, , , , , , | Working | June 13, 2008

(My boss spent thirty-five years in the Army, and it shows. He is famous for quoting motivational posters.)

Boss: *to camper* “I understand your concern, ma’am, but sometimes you have to crawl before you can walk.”

Camper: “I just wanted to transfer campsites.”

Boss: “Understood. But sometimes it takes a village, right?”

Camper: *to me* “Can I speak with someone who isn’t on crack?”