Among the passengers traveling on my flight are several uniformed members of the military. The gate agents have already called for people who need extra time to board the plane, but no one else has been allowed on yet, including the first-class passengers.

Gate Agent: “At this time, we would like to invite our customers traveling in uniform to board through the priority lane.”

A passenger who is clearly not a member of the military shoves his way into the priority lane.

Gate Agent: “I’m sorry, sir, but I haven’t called for your cabin yet. If you’ll just step to the side for one moment—”

Passenger #1: “This is bulls***! I bought this ticket first-class so I could be the first one on, and you’re letting this economy class scum on before me!”

Gate Agent: “Sir, they are members of our country’s armed services; we just want to—”

Passenger #1: “And look at those big, honking bags they’re carrying. How are the rest of us supposed to put anything in the overhead bins?!”

A well-dressed older passenger steps forward.

Passenger #2: “Listen up, because I’m only going to say this once. These are the men and women who are fighting day and night to defend our country. They’re carrying those large bags because they are traveling to attend basic training. After that, they are going to spend several months in Afghanistan, risking their lives to protect other Americans — including jerks like you. When was the last time you voluntarily put your life on the line?”

He turns to the gate agent.

Passenger #2: “I have a first-class ticket. Could you please switch me to the economy cabin and give my seat to one of these soldiers?”

Soldier: “Sir, that’s very kind of you, but really—”

Passenger #2: “No.”

He offers a perfect military salute.

Passenger #2: “I was in the army in Vietnam. I know the sacrifices you all are making. Thank you for your service, and God bless you and your families.”

The nasty passenger walked off in a huff but didn’t say a word for the rest of the flight. The gate agents gave the nice gentleman’s seat to one of the soldiers and offered vacant first-class seats to some of the others. To that amazing guest: you restored my faith in humanity when I thought I just might lose it. And I thank you for your own service to our nation.

While in the military, I occasionally serve on a board that examines trainees who are failing their technical courses.

At one such meeting, a trainee has failed his carpentry course, and he wants to try a different career field; he wants to be an electrician.

Me: “Why do you want to be an electrician?”

Trainee: “I really like the idea. I have been interested in electricity for a long time.”

Me: “Do you know at least something about what electricians do?”

Trainee: “Yup.”

Me: “Do you know the difference between AC and DC?”

Trainee: “Does that have something to do with sex?”

The board decided the trainee was not suited for the electrician’s course.

This story is part of our Best Of August 2020 roundup!

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This happened while I was active duty in the US Navy. The most senior military person in the Navy is the Chief of Naval Operations (CNO), a four-star Admiral. At the time, I was an E-4, working in the engine room of the ship.

When senior officers or politicians visit a military facility of any sort, there is an all-hands event where the entire crew — except those standing watch — is required to attend a speech by the distinguished guest, after which the crew is often given the chance to ask questions. Enlisted personnel have very little to do with strategic decision-making or changes in policy, so there are often uncomfortable silences when military or civilian senior leaders ask if there are any questions. Commanding officers don’t like it when this happens, so three sailors are usually provided with planted questions. These questions are almost always relentlessly stupid and seemingly only intended to make the VIP feel good.

The CNO was visiting various ships on deployment — this particular ship was in the Mediterranean — and he was discussing plans to reduce the total number of warships in the Navy. After the speech, the “planted” questions were asked, and the CNO cheerfully answered them. Then, he asked if there were any more questions.

Despite being a junior enlisted sailor, I had actually read up on Navy doctrine, which still officially required the Navy to fight wars in two oceans simultaneously. Since the CNO had just spent an hour telling us we were going to reduce the number of warships and also reduce the total manpower in the Navy, I was curious how this planned policy would change the official two-ocean warfighting doctrine. I raised my hand and the CNO called on me.

“Sir, are we still expected to fight wars in two oceans at the same time with fewer ships and crews?”

The CNO gave me a deer-in-the-headlights expression for several seconds, before he said, “Um… well… there may have to be some changes in our expectations.”

He continued to blather for almost a minute without actually answering my question, and then he turned the podium over to our Commanding Officer, who dismissed us back to our normal duties. I was then hauled into the Chief Engineer’s office and yelled at for several minutes for making the CNO uncomfortable. Since I hadn’t been insubordinate or otherwise in violation of Navy regulations, my chain of command couldn’t legally punish me, but they did make certain I never had to attend any future assemblies where a valid question might make a VIP look dumb. 

That was fine by me; I had — and still have — a low tolerance for stupidity, and attending these all-hands events always seemed to be a colossal waste of everyone’s time.

The best part happened that afternoon. The CNO and his staff were touring the local Navy Exchange facility — which was very small, since it was not located at a major NATO facility — and happened to run into my wife while she was shopping. The CNO’s Chief of Staff, a senior Captain, made the mistake of asking the dependents who were present in the Exchange if they had any issues. My wife and another enlisted spouse proceeded to tell the Chief of Staff exactly what problems the dependents had to deal with due to the lack of Navy facilities available. For the best part of a half-hour, they kept bringing up problems and weren’t the least bit interested in being asked to calm down.

The next morning, I was again hauled into the Chief engineer’s office and yelled at because my wife had told the Chief of Staff the truth. I was told I should prevent my wife from speaking her mind, at which point I laughed aloud. I pointed out that my wife is not subject to military discipline, and I also noted that the Chief of Staff had asked her for input. Furthermore, I told my chain of command that every word she’d said was the plain truth, so the Navy could either fix the problems or stop asking questions if the brass didn’t like the possible answers. 

Some of the ship’s senior personnel steered well clear of my wife for the rest of the time I was stationed aboard that ship.

My dad is a single father. He’s great and all, but he had absolutely no idea how to raise a daughter by himself. He didn’t understand anything normal girls liked, so he went with what he understood. As such, I was raised on a diet of martial arts, outdoor survival, and marksmanship — basically anything he remembered from his time in the army.

As such, I’ve dealt with plenty of side effects of my lifestyle, like boys running away from me because I was better at fighting than they were and girls refusing to socialize with me as they perceived me as a violent brute. Once, we even had child services called on my dad when I went to school with a black eye.

But the single worst aspect I’ve had to deal with is this.

Me: “Dad. I hate you. Why did you have to teach me military tactics? You ruined Infinity War for me! I couldn’t enjoy the final battle as, when I saw it, all I saw was every stupid tactical mistake everyone made! No flanking, no use of cover, air support flying too low, no artillery…”

Dad: “Uh, oops?”

My glare intensifies.

Me: “Well, on the bright side, at least you know why they lost to Thanos.”

This story happens in the early 2000s. I am backpacking through Germany, and I have a few days in Berlin before I move on. I decide to take a bus tour of the city, having never been there before.

On the bus tour, the tour guide is a man who appears to be in his twenties or early thirties. Most of the bus is filled with a group of elderly British men and women. The bus pulls away from the curb, the tour guide introduces himself, and then he asks if anyone has been to Berlin before. 

All of the British men raise their hands.

Guide: “Wow, this is more than usual. When were you all here?”

The British men mumble among themselves for a few seconds.

British Man #1: “Well, if it’s all right with you… we would rather not go into detail.”

Guide: “Oh, come on. Please, share your experiences.”

British Man #2: “If you insist. We were all in the Royal Air Force Bomber Command during the Second World War. We flew bombing raids over Berlin, and other cities, of course.”

British Man #3: “We’ve all seen documentaries about old soldiers who travel to their battlefields one last time, so… here we are.”

The tour guide is at first caught off guard by this response, but he recovers brilliantly.

Guide: “Then I believe we have you, gentlemen, to thank for Berlin being such a unique mix of the ancient and the modern! I do hope you enjoy seeing the city from the ground this time!”

Best bus tour ever. Every time the tour guide pointed out a historic building or landmark, the British gentlemen would share stories about the times they used those buildings as guides and targets for their bombing runs. The tour guide genuinely enjoyed having someone who could share so much insight into what was already a key piece of his lectures, and hearing so many different perspectives and stories made the tour well worth it for the rest of us, as well. I’m pretty sure the tour guide earned at least ten times his normal tips for that tour.

This story is part of our July 2020 Roundup – the best stories of the month!

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