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Like A Good Neighbor, Don’t Be An A**

, , , , | Right | CREDIT: tlittle197 | April 27, 2022

I’m in the US Navy and I come home to let the maintenance man into my apartment to work on something. He finishes his work and I see him out. I remember that my lock was sticking and it was hard to get the key in. Rather than call the maintenance man back over to fix it, I remember that I have some gun oil and run back inside to grab it, return to my door, spritz-spritz, test it with a key, mission accomplished

As I’m about to go back inside I hear:

Neighbor: “Hey, you! Come here!”

I turn around to see another tenant standing there.

Neighbor: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Fixing the lock. It was sticking, so I’m just lubing it up.”

Neighbor: “Exactly. Why aren’t you fixing mine?!”

Me: “Excu—”

Neighbor: “Just shut up, get over here, and fix my lock! I put in a maintenance request two days ago!”

I’m already not having any of this.

Me: “No.”

Neighbor: “Excuse me? How dare you?! I’ll have you know that I’m friends with the office ladies and your boss. I can get you fired for laziness.”

Me: “I doubt that.”

Neighbor: “It’s true! Now fix this lock or I’ll have your job!”

Me: “No. I don’t work here, idiot. I’m literally wearing my Navy uniform. I owe you nothing, and I’m going to go back inside now.”

Neighbor: “Ugh! Well, you still should have helped me!”

Me: “Maybe, had you been polite about it, I would have, but certainly not now. I’m going inside and you can f*** off, pound sand, and kick rocks in whichever order you feel like.”

I shut the door five minutes ago and she’s still screaming and pounding on my door. Ahh, music!

A Major Lack Of Observational Skills

, , , | Right | April 27, 2022

I was at a store with an ex once. I had just gotten off work at a dining facility on the local military base. My ex and I were standing in the candy aisle debating which bulk candy we wanted. A soldier walked up to me.

Soldier: “Where is [item]?”

Me: “I don’t know. I’m looking at candy to buy.”

Soldier: “Oh. It’s just that you look familiar.”

Me: “That’s probably because you saw me at dinner two hours ago.”

He left me alone after that.

In Deep Water And Deeper S***

, , , , , , | Working | March 23, 2022

I worked for a major private security company in Hawaii as a site supervisor for quite a unique property. This location was a 400-ish-acre valley that had once housed munitions for the United States Navy. Created in 1935, it was either nearing completion or already in service when Pearl Harbor was attacked. We have reason to believe it also served as an internment camp at some point during the war. When the Navy left in 1993, they left behind 200 or so munitions caves which were blasted into the sides of the mountains making up the valley. These massive bunkers would become industrial storage for rent sometime in 2005.

On this particular day in 2017, we had just experienced massive storms that sent the property’s river over the low-lying bridge between the two halves of the valley, rendering it unusable to any of our tenants.

I found out about this as soon as I came to work. I drove directly through our lower gate system into the forest to close the gate that would block access to the bridge so no one would get the bright idea of trying to Oregon Trail the river and get swept all the way down to Pearl Harbor.

When I arrived, I found that the water was about two feet over the road deck and moving furiously. I took my pictures, locked the gate, and started documenting the closure of half of the property.

One of our tenants rolled up behind me. He was a long-time member of the valley and was well aware of the bridge issue when we experienced heavy rains.

Tenant: “Hey! Open the gate!”

Me: “Sorry, I can’t. As you can see, the bridge is underwater.”

Tenant: “How do I get to my unit?!”

Me: “Sorry, [Tenant], but as you are well aware, when this front bridge is out, it means E row is inaccessible.”

Tenant: “I don’t give a f***! Open the gate!”

I sighed and gave his vehicle a once-over. He was driving a two-wheel-drive 1985 Ford Ranger that was sagging horrifically due to the trailer hooked up to it. He had about as much hope of getting to the other side as I did with my 2013 Mazda 2.

Me: “Sorry, no. At that depth and speed, you wouldn’t make it across with that vehicle. It’s against policy for me to let you try.”

Tenant: “What did you just f****** say to me?”

Me: “I said no.”

Tenant: “Do you know who you work for?!”

I deposited my report into my clipboard and closed it with a smile.

Me: “Yes.”

I proceeded to give the tenant a rundown of the admittedly very complex chain of command that the property used at the time, at no point mentioning his name.

Me: “Feel free to contact—”

Tenant: “Bring your supervisor down!”

Me: “I am the supervisor, and no one above me is in yet; it’s only 7:00 am.”

Tenant: “Well, I want that d*** gate open right now! I’ll take the risk!”

Me: “No.”

This went back and forth several times with the tenant getting angrier and angrier. Other tenants pulled up, watched in amusement, and left.

Eventually, the tenant told me that he was just going to wait until I left and cut our lock, and he was not very pleased when I reminded him that he was a tenant, not an owner, and that willful destruction of company property would get him evicted and trespassed.

Tenant: “I don’t f****** care! Maybe I want to leave this place! You can’t stay here all day.”

Me: “You’re right. I can’t!”

I reversed my own car and blocked the gate off, summoning my staff member to bring me the truck. I left my personal car blocking the gate system. Now, if, for some reason, the lock was removed, there was still a hatchback blocking access.

The tenant eventually left and filed a complaint against me only to be told off by my direct manager.

About four months after leaving, in April of 2020, I saw on the news that, during another storm, someone disregarded the orders of security and attempted to cross under similar circumstances. They were washed away as soon as they made contact with the water in a heaver and taller vehicle than what the tenant had that day.

The driver was lucky to survive and had to be rescued by helicopter while his truck was, of course, a total loss.

The Bold And The Stupid

, , , , | Legal | February 10, 2022

I lived on a military base for a few weeks. My packages started disappearing. It wasn’t every package, but with Christmas coming up, I couldn’t keep ordering and risk my purchases disappearing. Every person on base has to either have a military ID or sign in with the front gate, so the possible list of thieves was limited. Still, with no way to identify the thief, my report was useless.

I ordered a security camera and decided it would be too ironic if the camera was stolen, so I took the day off work and waited for the delivery. I heard someone at my front door and thought it was the delivery guy. Instead, I was face to face with a man in plain clothes. He looked up, his hands on my delivery.

Man: “Uh…”

He extended the box toward me. I took his picture with my phone.

Man: “You can’t take my picture!”

Me: “You can’t take my delivery. Now get the f*** off my porch.”

I took the box from his hands and shut the door in his face. I went out later to install my camera and found that my potted plants had been ripped out and a puddle of urine was left on my doorstep. I shared the photo with security and they confirmed that the man was a guest of one of the families living on my street. I installed my camera and haven’t had a package stolen since.

I Am My Own Superior Today!

, , , , , , | Working | December 9, 2021

I’m a plumber. Together with a coworker and an apprentice, I get sent to a military base for repairs that will take several days. On the first morning, we show our paperwork at the gate. The sergeant lets us in, handing us each a form that we’ll have to bring back, filled out and signed, when we leave.

In the afternoon, when we’re leaving, the watch has changed. The new sergeant checks our forms.

Sergeant: “There’s a signature missing at the bottom. Your officer-in-charge has to sign the forms before I can let you out.”

Me: “We’re from [Company]; our boss isn’t here on the base.”

Sergeant: “No, no, not your boss. Your officer-in-charge.”

Me: “I’m not sure who that is, sir.”

Sergeant: “Your superior! I can’t let anybody out of here without permission. You’d be AWOL.”

Me: “Sir, we’re plumbers from [Company].”

I try to show him the paperwork we already showed in the morning to get in.

Sergeant: “Someone must be in charge of you! Go and get his signature!”

We retreat around the corner of a building, where he can’t see us. Since we don’t know what else to do, I sign on my coworkers’ forms and one of them signs off on mine. We go back to the gate and hand in the forms.

Sergeant: “Now that wasn’t so hard, was it?”

He let us out. We worked at the base for several more days and signed each others’ forms every time. The soldiers at the gate were happy.