Never Have Truer Words Ever Been Spoken

, , , , | Romantic | November 21, 2017

(I’ve run out of ideas for dinner, so I dump some leftover spaghetti sauce onto a casserole dish full of cooked macaroni, cover it all with cheese, and stick it in the oven. After thirty minutes it is a bubbling, molten mass of cheese. It almost looks alive.)

Me: *dubiously* “I think I used too much cheese.”

Him: “There is no such thing as too much cheese.”

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Unfiltered Story #99148

, | Unfiltered | November 4, 2017

I’m waiting in line with my sisters in the mall food court. Note: We are extremely white-bread-looking, middle-class, middle-westerners.

The staff in this particular venue are all Chinese and the woman on the till speaks English with a strong accent. However, she’s perfectly understandable. The customer ahead of us is an Angry Middle Aged White Dude.

AMAWD: I want the special with three sides, not two! Jesus, can’t you get anything straight. <i>(turns around and speaks to us)</i>: G**-D***** foreigners! If they don’t speak English they shouldn’t be here!

Me <i>(to my sisters)</i>: Unglaublich! Was ist mit dieser Dummerjahn los?* <i>(To the AMAWD, in my best Kommandant Klink accent)</i> <b> VY YOU DUN’T LIKE FOREIGNERSSS?</b>

AMAWD <i>(glares at me, pays for his food, and leaves with no further comment).</i>

Me <i>(to the woman on the till)</i>: Good afternoon. Can I get the General Tso’s Chicken?

<i>The two Chinese teenagers behind the counter are laughing their asses off.

(Since my father is a retired professor of modern languages, all of us kids had to study French or German – or both – in school. Translation: Unbelievable! What’s wrong with this dummy?)</i>

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Unfiltered Story #96632

, | Unfiltered | October 3, 2017

(It’s been a long, frustrating day at our fast food restaurant. Things are finally slow but that doesn’t mean I’m in a better mood.)

COWORKER: “Hey, can that [fish sandwich] be made with extra tartar sauce?”

CUSTOMER: (Over coworker’s shoulder, smiling hugely) “Yeah! I like a lot of tartar sauce!”

(I decide to forego the manners I was raised with and be a petty jerk who takes out a day’s frustration on an innocent and seemingly friendly customer. I *DRENCH* the sandwich in tartar sauce. The sandwich already has a lot on it as it is, but I put 6-7 times more on there than that. It’s a sloppy, goopy, tartary mess that I bitterly wrap up in the wrapper and hand off to the front line. As the evening continues to stay slow for the next 15-20 minutes, my mood slowly improves and I start to regret my jerk move. Then I see the customer heading for the door and her eye catches mine, and she smiles just as hugely as before.)

CUSTOMER: “THANK YOU FOR THE SANDWICH! IT WAS PERFECT!”