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It’s Your Money, But You’re HER Son!

, , , , , | Learning | January 27, 2021

I work every Tuesday at my kid’s middle school store. An eighth-grader that I know comes up and asks for $13 worth of gummy fruit snacks.

Me: “That’s a lot of fruit snacks. Are you going to share with all your friends?”

Eighth-Grader: “No, I’m eating them all for lunch.”

Me: “But you have braces, and I’m going to see your Mom on Friday. Do you think she’ll want to hear this?”

Eighth-Grader: “I don’t care; it’s my money.”

Friday, I see his mom and tell her. 

Mom: “So, that’s why he had a stomach ache and wouldn’t eat dinner!”

Spelling Is Important, But Calm Down, Maybe

, , , , , , | Learning | November 24, 2020

I am a middle school librarian in the days before widespread Internet access. One day, a group of students comes rushing into the library.

Kids: “Mr. [My Name], Mr. [My Name]! What does ‘impotent’ mean?”

Me: “Um… weak and powerless. Why?”

The kids didn’t believe me and rushed for the dictionaries. It took me a while to figure out what was going on, but eventually, I got the story. 

A kid had accidentally written “impotent” instead of “important” on an assignment. The English teacher apparently had an absolute fit, publicly berating the kid for using bad language and making him repeatedly copy the definition of “important.”

So, instead of blowing off a simple spelling error, this teacher had a bunch of seventh graders convinced that “impotent” must be the filthiest word in the English language and determined to find out what it meant.


This story is part of our Best Of November 2020 roundup!

Read the next story in the Best Of November 2020 roundup!

Read the Best Of November 2020 roundup!

Not So Great Conduct

, , , , | Learning | November 22, 2020

We have a substitute in seventh-grade band class, as the regular teacher is out for unexplained reasons. It’s pretty obvious from the beginning that the substitute doesn’t know anything about music and is either having an off day or just bad at teaching.

After attendance and housekeeping stuff is done, we start practising. The first piece we practise has a bunch of rests — periods of no playing. She doesn’t count in the right time signature, which throws us off, along with her general attitude.

When we get to one of the lengthy rest sections:

Substitute: “YOU GUYS! YOU NEED TO PLAY! START OVER!”

We comply.

We get to that part again.

Substitute: “WHY AREN’T YOU PLAYING?! PLAY!”

My Section: *Mumbling* “We don’t play there.”

We repeat starting over and getting to that part.

Substitute: “I’M GETTING TIRED OF THIS! Y’ALL NEED TO PLAY!”

My Section: “LADY, WE DON’T PLAY THERE! RESTS EXIST AND YOUR KNOWLEDGE OF THEM APPARENTLY DOESN’T!”

She shut up about us not playing after that, and we got another student to conduct the band.

Time To Assay The Essay Situation, Part 11

, , , , , | Learning | CREDIT: DanHam117 | September 21, 2020

I am a terrible student and a huge baseball fan growing up.

In sixth grade I have an English teacher who knows I’m not dumb, just hard to motivate. She privately offers me an extra credit assignment.

Teacher: “All you have to do is write a two-page essay on any topic you like at all, explaining why you like it so much.”

I straight-up turn down her offer, being content with my C grade. So, she flips it around on me and speaks to another student in the class.

Teacher: *Loudly* “Since you’re the biggest Red Sox fan in the class, you should write a two-page essay about the Red Sox and present it to the class.”

I practically jump out of my seat.

Me: “I am a way bigger Red Sox fan than he is and I should be the one writing that essay!”

 She let us both write one. She was a really good teacher.

Related:
Time To Assay The Essay Situation, Part 9
Time To Assay The Essay Situation, Part 8
Time To Assay The Essay Situation, Part 7

Time To Assay The Essay Situation, Part 6
Time To Assay The Essay Situation, Part 5


This story is part of our Best Of September 2020 roundup!

Read the next story in the Best Of September 2020 roundup!

Read the Best Of September 2020 roundup!

Absolutely Despicable, Horrendous, And Dreadful, Part 2

, , , , , | Learning | September 16, 2020

I’m the author of this story. This story is not about that witch, but rather a giant whom I have the displeasure of fighting in ninth grade. I have fairly severe ADHD, and that leads to me “stimming” or using up my excess energy in various ways, such as foot-tapping, crochet, and writing ciphers.

Most teachers tolerate this because I still work hard and get decent grades. This teacher, however, thinks that if I am stimming, I’m not working, so things I do to stim are rapidly banned until all I have left is tapping my feet.

On the day of this particular incident, I have gotten these wonderful new boots that are shiny and go click-clack when I walk. I love them.

I’m sitting in the lesson, trying my best to pay attention without stimming, when my knee starts bouncing, the heel going “click-click-click,” not particularly loudly. My teacher, on the other hand, stops his lesson and turns around.

Teacher: “If you don’t stop tapping your foot, I’m getting the sponge.”

Me: “Sorry, sir!”

He goes back to the lesson. I’m quiet for about five minutes, and then my knee starts bouncing again. 

He doesn’t even say anything; he just goes and fetches a bright pink sponge and puts it under the foot that was tapping.

This happens with my other foot, as well. I’m embarrassed and I can hear the people in the class whispering about me, so my feet start bouncing again, hard enough that the sponges aren’t stopping the noise.

My teacher turns around again, glaring at me.

Me: “I’m really sorry. I just need to move and I’m trying not to make noise, I promise; it’s my shoes!”

Teacher: “Boots off, then. It’s annoying.”

So, I took off my boots and planted my feet on the sponges and started bouncing my knee again. Somehow, he could still hear that, and I ended up with three sponges under both my feet by the end of the class.

In his defence, I suppose the shoes were overkill, but at a certain point, I just needed to not sit still for the double-length math/science class. There had to be something he could do other than stacking sponges.

Related:
Absolutely Despicable, Horrendous, And Dreadful