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You’re Fat ‘Cause I Tectonic Plate You

| Learning | May 16, 2013

(We have just had an earthquake. Earthquakes are quite uncommon, so it takes us a few moments to realize what happened. A couple of popular girls are running late for class.)

Popular Girl #1: “Oh my god, you are not fat! I’m so much fatter than you!”

Popular Girl #2: “No, you’re so much skinnier than me. I’m a cow!

Teacher: *runs into the hallway* “It’s an earthquake!”

Popular Girl #1: “We are not THAT fat!”

Popular Girl #2: “Rude!”

May The Source Of This Quote Be With You

| Learning | May 15, 2013

(Another teacher and I are discussing recent girl drama with a student of ours, who is having trouble understanding why the other girls were being mean to her.)

Me: “They’re just jealous of you. Jealousy leads to fear. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate lea—”

(The student stands there, looking at me, completely confused.)

Me: “I’m sorry. I just realized I was giving you advice for dealing with girl drama from Yoda.”

Stand And Demoralize Her

| Learning | May 6, 2013

Teacher: “Class, this is Mrs. Shaw. She’s going to be observing the classroom for a few weeks. Say ‘Hello, Mrs. Shaw.'”

Class: “Hello, Mrs. Shaw!”

Mrs. Shaw: “Hello, class.”

Teacher: “Now, I want all of you on your best behavior.”

Student: *raises hand*

Teacher: “Yes?”

Student: “Is she going to school to be a teacher?”

Teacher: “She is in the classroom to observe and see what it is like to be a teacher.”

Student: “So, shouldn’t we be on our worst behavior then? So she can see if she still wants to do it after that?”

Stand-Up Grammedian

| Learning | May 4, 2013

(I teach middle school Spanish. Today, we are discussing vocabulary for describing family members.)

Me: “So, ‘las primas’ means female cousins.”

Male Student: *in a suggestive voice* “Ooh, female cousins!”

Me: “Careful, that’s illegal!”

Male Student: “Not in Alabama.”

A Tale Of Two Reciprocities

| Learning | April 28, 2013

(I am an assistant English teacher at a Japanese middle school. The Japanese teacher and I are teaching a lesson on plurals and spelling changes, such as “change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es.'”)

Teacher: “If there’s one city, it’s ‘city.’ So how would you say ‘two cities’ in English?”

Student: *yells from back of room* “TITTIES!”