(We have just had an earthquake. Earthquakes are quite uncommon, so it takes us a few moments to realize what happened. A couple of popular girls are running late for class.)

Popular Girl #1: “Oh my god, you are not fat! I’m so much fatter than you!”

Popular Girl #2: “No, you’re so much skinnier than me. I’m a cow!

Teacher: *runs into the hallway* “It’s an earthquake!”

Popular Girl #1: “We are not THAT fat!”

Popular Girl #2: “Rude!”

(Another teacher and I are discussing recent girl drama with a student of ours, who is having trouble understanding why the other girls were being mean to her.)

Me: “They’re just jealous of you. Jealousy leads to fear. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate lea—”

(The student stands there, looking at me, completely confused.)

Me: “I’m sorry. I just realized I was giving you advice for dealing with girl drama from Yoda.”

Teacher: “Class, this is Mrs. Shaw. She’s going to be observing the classroom for a few weeks. Say ‘Hello, Mrs. Shaw.'”

Class: “Hello, Mrs. Shaw!”

Mrs. Shaw: “Hello, class.”

Teacher: “Now, I want all of you on your best behavior.”

Student: *raises hand*

Teacher: “Yes?”

Student: “Is she going to school to be a teacher?”

Teacher: “She is in the classroom to observe and see what it is like to be a teacher.”

Student: “So, shouldn’t we be on our worst behavior then? So she can see if she still wants to do it after that?”

(I teach middle school Spanish. Today, we are discussing vocabulary for describing family members.)

Me: “So, ‘las primas’ means female cousins.”

Male Student: *in a suggestive voice* “Ooh, female cousins!”

Me: “Careful, that’s illegal!”

Male Student: “Not in Alabama.”

(I am an assistant English teacher at a Japanese middle school. The Japanese teacher and I are teaching a lesson on plurals and spelling changes, such as “change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es.'”)

Teacher: “If there’s one city, it’s ‘city.’ So how would you say ‘two cities’ in English?”

Student: *yells from back of room* “TITTIES!”