They Put The A$s Into Aspergers

, , , | Right | June 28, 2017

(I’m standing at our service desk doing some paperwork when two customers approach me regarding a price check. I say “Sure!” and scan the item for them, then tell them the price.)

Customer: “Sir, you don’t have to be so sarcastic with me.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “You shouldn’t take that kind of tone with customers, especially not ones that spend as much as I do here.”

(For the record I’ve worked full-time here for seven years and have never seen her before.)

Me: “I don’t understand, ma’am. I merely scanned the item for you and told you the price; I don’t see how I was rude or disrespectful.”

Customer: “See? There it is again! You have such a snarky tone to what you’re saying!”

(Then it dawns on me…)

Me: “Ma’am, I apologize, but I have Asperger’s syndrome. It’s a neurological disorder and part of it affects my speech.”

Customer: “As-what?” *she smiles at me wide-eyed, then looks at her companion, who also smiles, like it’s all a big joke*

Me: “As-per-ger’s syndrome.”

(I am now getting uncomfortable, I normally try to hide my condition at all costs. People misunderstand and assume all kinds of things. I even once had a boss almost let me go because he thought it was the same as Alzheimer’s and assumed I would gradually lose my memory.)

Customer: *giving me a sceptical look* “Yeah… well, you should probably get that taken care of, because someone could really misunderstand and think you’re talking that way on purpose.”

Me: *getting angry that she would suggest it’s just as simple as taking a pill or getting a shot* “I wish it were that simple, ma’am, but there’s no cure for it. It’s something I’ll deal with my whole life. I’m sorry that it inconvenienced you.”

(With that they walk away. She’s barely five feet from me when I hear her tell her friend: Well, that’s what we get with equal opportunity employers!)

Obese With The Wrong Opinion

, , , | Right | June 27, 2017

(During the summer our store has a garden center. One day I am helping a customer load 35 40 lb bags of topsoil into her SUV. By helping, I mean she plays on her phone while I do all the lifting. By the last few bags I am sweating like a pig and out of breath. I close the tailgate on her car, said “There you go! Have a good one!” and instead of a thank you, I get this:)

Customer: “You’re kinda chunky, aren’t ya?”

Me: “…”

Customer: “If you lost a few pounds, you wouldn’t be so out of breath.”

Me: “Umm, I have asthma, ma’am.”

Customer: *totally ignoring what I just said* “That’s the trouble with you kids now; your parents let you have anything you want instead of practicing a little restraint. That’s the number one cause of child obesity these days.”

Me: “I’m 37 years old, and while I’ll admit I’m not at my ideal weight, I would hardly consider myself obese, thank you. To tell you the truth it’s not so much the overeating that makes me the way I am, but all the drinking I do to cope with situations like this.”

Customer: “M’kay! Have a nice day!”

Today’s Lesson Is “The Penis Game”

, , , , | Learning | June 27, 2017

It was standard in my middle school that everyone took health class the second semester of eighth grade, so half the school is in the “sex ed” chapter all at once every year.

I am in math class one morning, and it’s dead quiet while we work on a quiz. Suddenly, from the other side of the wall we hear what must be the entire class yell “PENIS” at the top of their lungs.

Cue the shocked pause and then 35 thirteen-year-olds dying laughing. We didn’t get the quiz done for another 20 minutes.

I found out later that the teacher had everyone get over the “awkwardness” of talking about sex and bodies by having the whole class yell each vocab word in that chapter. And, of course, being 13 and 14, guess what word everyone always shouted the loudest?

Strange Bedfellows

, , , , , | Related | June 26, 2017

(My oldest sister and I are visiting our youngest sister for several days. Youngest sister has a family of five and no guest room, so she puts us on a sofa-bed in the living room. One of my nephews wakes up just before dawn and for some reason comes downstairs and tries to crawl in with us. At home I am used to having to defend my part of the bed from two German shepherds, and I evidently boot him out without actually waking up. He isn’t hurt but I get an earful from my sisters in the morning. We are all in the car, running some last minute errands before I leave to return home, when this conversation took place.)

Nephew: “Is Aunt [My Name] going home?”

Youngest Sister: “Yes, honey. She’s leaving right after we go see Grandpa.”

Nephew: “Is Aunt [Oldest Sister] going home?”

Oldest Sister: “No, I get to stay at your house for two more nights. You can come downstairs in the morning and cuddle with me all you want.” *with a significant glance in my direction*

Nephew: “Is Mamma going to sleep on the sofa bed with you?”

Oldest Sister: “No, Mamma is going to sleep upstairs in her own bed.”

Nephew: “Is Daddy going to sleep on the sofa bed with you?”

Youngest Sister: “Not if he knows what’s good for him.”

Wish You Could Preserve These Things On Tape

, , , | Working | June 5, 2017

(I am a cashier at a popular hardware store. A sweet-looking old woman who looks to be in her 60s comes to my checkout lane with a variety of items, two of which are scotch tape and a yardstick.)

Me: *begins to check out items* “Hello, ma’am. Did you find everything alright?”

Customer: “Well, now that you mention it, I do have a question.”

Me: “Sure, what can I help you with?”

Customer: “Do you know what a measurer is?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Well, my son knew I was running up to the hardware store and said that he needs a tape measurer. I got the tape, but do you think he means this for the measurer?” *points to yardstick*

(At this point, I am trying very hard not to laugh. However, I didn’t have the heart to tell her that that was definitely not what her son meant.)

Me: “I think your son will be fine with whatever you get him. Have a great day!”

(The old woman, who looked satisfied, walked out the door with her items. A man came to the store the next day to return some tape and a yardstick, saying something about his mother being confused! It certainly made my day!)

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