We are currently in a national change shortage and are asking customers to pay in exact change when possible. 

Customer: “Can I get $3 in quarters so my kids can use the candy machines?”

The candy machines aren’t even a part of our store, just inside the mall.

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, we currently don’t have many quarters in the store, so I’m unable to give change at this time.”

Customer: “It’s okay, I’ll just take it from your tip jar.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but please don’t take money out of the tip jar. If there are quarters in there, I genuinely need them for our business. You can maybe try the business next door for quarters.”

Customer: “Fine! Thanks for upsetting my kids.”

Later at close, I counted the tips; we only had two quarters in the tip jar anyway.

I’m the oldest of four children. We’re quite spread apart in age; the youngest is nine years younger than me. [Brother #1], who is eleven years old, has gotten a single-serve bag of chips and a drink as a special treat for his baseball team, and [Brother #2], who is nine, is jealous, since we almost never have junk food in the house.

[Brother #2] has tried and failed to steal the chips, so [Brother #1] has decided to eat them right now so he can’t try again.

Me: “Hey, [Brother #1]? May I have one?”

Brother #1: “Sure.”

Brother #2: *Incomprehensible sputtering* “Wha— Why can’t I have some?!”

Brother #1: “Because she didn’t try to steal it!”

Me: “And I asked nicely.”

Brother #2: “She’s eighteen! I’m nine!“

Flawless kid logic. He did not get any chips, and our dad told him to drop it.

My mom had a tendency to play favorites; I was scrutinized and criticized for just about anything and everything about myself, much more than everyone else, while my little sister was the sweet little angel. (And she was! Even I couldn’t say “no” to those puppy-dog eyes.)

One thing my mom got on my a** for constantly was me being a fan of a particular music artist. She never paid ANY attention to him until I started listening to him. Then, mysteriously, he suddenly became a Satanist that murdered live puppies on stage. Any time one of his music videos appeared on MTV — back when they played music! — her face would twist into a nasty scowl like she was sipping vinegar, and she would loudly scoff, grunt, and shake her head the entire time while making disapproving comments under her breath. 

One day, my sister was in her room playing around, and she had borrowed one of my CDs. My mom went into her room and began talking to her. As one of the songs ended, my mom looked at the stereo.

Mom: “I liked that! That was a really nice song, who sang that?”

Sister: “[Evil Music Artist].”

Mom: “WHAT?!”

When I was in my late teens, I was a programmer for a huge aerospace firm. The parking lot alone was the size of the lot for a mid-sized shopping mall. When I was leaving work one day, I realized that my car keys were missing. The keychain on it was unique: a long strip of some furry animal skin. I checked with security and nobody had turned in any keys. Security contacted a locksmith for me and he got me in my car and made a replacement key. It cost me quite a bit, but I wised up and duplicated the key, plus copies of my other keys, so I had spares… just in case.

“Just in case” was nearly a year later. I knew I could call my dad and have him bring me spares, but I figured I’d check with security first.

Me: “Hi. Did you have any keys turned in today?”

Guard: “Oh, yes. We just had these turned in today.”

He reached in the lost and found box, and I could tell at a glance as he pulled it out that it was mine. It was the furry-tailed set of keys I lost the year before. The set I lost that day never turned up. So weird.

I work in a pain management medical office. We always ask the pain level our patients are experiencing when they come in.

Me: “And what is your pain level today on a scale of zero to ten, zero being no pain and ten being the worst pain you’ve ever experienced?”

Patient: “Oh, a ten.”

Me: “Really? Worse than childbirth, kidney stones, getting hit by a bus?”

Patient: “Yep.”

And then they went back to sitting comfortably in their chair and playing happily on their phone.