Me: “Thank you for calling. How can I help you?”

Customer: “You charged my credit card forty-five dollars. Can I get a refund?”

(I pull up his account.)

Me: “Okay. I see that you rented two movies that were never returned and you were charged the sale price of the movies.”

Customer: “Well, I was on vacation and I forgot to return them on time.”

Me: “Let me go check the shelves for them; it’s possible that they didn’t get checked in properly. If I find them I can put a credit on your account that you can use whenever you’re in the store next.”

Customer: “I didn’t return them.”

(It’s been over two months since the movies were originally due.)

Me: “You didn’t return them?”

Customer: “Nope.”

Me: “Sir, you would like me to pay you for renting movies and never bringing them back?”

Customer: “Uh-huh.”

Me: “I’m not going to do that.”

Customer: “Okay… I just thought I’d ask.”

This story is part of the Movie Rental roundup!

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Read the Movie Rental roundup!

Customer: “Oh, I needed help putting in this cat food, and the young man put in the wrong brand!”

Me: “Okay, let’s go over there and get the right one.”

(We walk over, and she looks at about five different bags of cat food, then goes to a bag of litter.)

Customer: “I think it was this one I wanted.”

Me: “Wait, did you want cat food or litter?”

Customer: “What’s the difference?”

This story is part of our Stupid Pet Owners roundup!

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Read the Stupid Pet Owners roundup!

Customer: “The fish tank I have is really dirty and starting to smell, so I want to clean it but someone told me that I can’t use tap water in a fish tank.”

Me: “Yeah, you either have to get spring water or buy a bottle of water conditioner, and just add that to the tap water.”

Customer: “Oh. What if I use toilet water instead of tap water?”

This story is part of the Terrible Fish Owners roundup!

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Read the Terrible Fish Owners roundup!

(A customer is using the self-checkout. Her total is $1.52.)

Customer: “I still owe 52 cents, but all I have is a $10 bill.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I put a dollar bill in, but I still owe 52 cents and all I have is a $10 bill.”

Me: “That’s fine. You can just put the ten in and it will give you the difference back.”

Customer: “Really? The machine is that smart?”

(The chain store has a pharmacy that closes at 7:00 pm. A couple is in my lane at 8:30 pm.)

Me: “Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

Customer: “Not unless you can break into the pharmacy and get my wife’s prescription.”

Me: *chuckle* “Sorry, sir, I can’t do that.”

Customer: *completely serious* “She’s gonna die without it. Oh, well.”

Me: “Um…”

Customer: “It’s okay; she’s old enough to die anyway.”