(While I’m on register, three customers come in at once, and none of them know what they want. My coworker is on break and I am the only one on register, but as it’s Saturday and has been slow, I’m not too worried.)

Customer #1: “Oh, you can go ahead!”

Customer #2: “All right. What’s a ‘You Pick Two’? Like, what’s actually in it?”

Me: “You pick any two items on the menu for a half-size; the items are half their normal prices and added together.”

Customer #2: “But how much is it?”

Me: “It depends on what you get; some items are more expensive than others.”

Customer #2: “I want a soup and sandwich and a drink.”

Me: “Do you know which kind?”

Customer #2: “No.”

Me: “…”

Customer #2: “Well?”

Me: *chooses most popular items* “That would be around $10.”

Customer #2: “I’m not paying that much! I’m really hungry. I’ll have a soup, sandwich, and salad; how much would that be?”

Me: “Would you want the full items?”

Customer #2: “Yes.”

Me: “It’d be roughly $30.”

(The line has now grown, and two more women are behind him. My manager finally notices and comes up front.)

Manager: “I can help whoever’s ready!”

Customer #2: “What’s an Italian combo?”

(I rattle off the many meats and am hoping he will decide on that.)

Customer #2: “All right, I’ll have that, and that comes with a side and a soda? Like a combo deal?”

(Many customers usually go with water because of this, so our store has items that come with sides, but drinks are an extra charge.)

Me: “The Italian combo does come with a choice of apple, chips, or baguette, but if you’d like to have a drink it’ll be an upcharge of $1.89.”

Customer #2: “What?! Why is it called an ‘Italian combo,’ then?”

Me: “That’s just the name of the sandwich, sir.”

Customer #2: “Other places have these combos; why don’t you? This is ridiculous!” *begins to walk away* “YOU’VE LOST A CUSTOMER!”

Manager: “Hey, don’t worry about it.”

Me: *with a big smile* “I can help whoever’s ready!”

(I’m currently sweeping the parking lot, and I’m prepared for dumb customer jokes that I’ve heard a hundred times.)

Regular: “After you’re done doing that here, come over to my house!” *laughs*

Me: “Hmm, okay, but I charge a hundred dollars an hour.”

Regular: *seems genuinely offended*

Me: “…”

(My mom and I are driving through a state park looking for deer as the sun is setting.)

Mom: “We like deer, don’t we?”

Me: “We hold them deer to our heart.”

Mom: “Yes, we do.”

(Silence.)

Mom & Me: *simultaneously* “Yes, we doe.”

Mom: “That gave us a chuckle.”

Me: “A buck-le.”

(Silence.)

Me: “We’re fawning over these guys right now.”

(It’s my last day at a large grocery store chain where my main job is changing prices and making sure they are right in the system. My coworker is asking me a few questions about a price that corporate put into our system. A customer approaches.)

Me: “How can I help you today?”

Customer: “That’s what I want to know! I’ve been standing here waiting! I want frozen pot pies, and they can’t be [Brand #1]; I hate [Brand #1]!”

Me: “Okay, well, [Brand #2] is right here and they have many varieties.”

Customer: *becoming more angry* “No, no, no! I hate [Brand #2]!”

Coworker: “Well, there’s [Brand #3]?” *turns to me* “I’ll just ask you about that price later. Okay-thanks-bye!”

(She runs back to her department to leave me with the customer. I grab my handheld computer to check if there are any [Brand #3] in stock.)

Me: “Sorry, sir, but it looks like we are all out of [Brand #3]. I see here we have three cases on order for tomorrow, so if you come back then, we will definitely have some in stock!”

Customer: “But I’m not here tomorrow! I’m here now, so I want them now!”

Me: “Well, sir, I can give you [Brand #1] — our most popular and expensive brand — for the price of [Brand #3], but I can’t get you [Brand #3]. We are all out of it. But we will have three cases tomorrow. Have a great day!”

Customer: “Yeah, thanks for nothing!”

(He walks away yelling, “But I’m here now, and I want it now!” Afterwards, I go up to my coworker and tell her what happened.)

Coworker: “Dude, it’s your last day. You should have just told him to wait a second while you pulled them out of your a**, since he was so intent on having them now! Do people in this world not realize we can’t s*** miracles?!”

(I am about twelve years old and my parents bought me an alarm clock yesterday. I have set it for 7:00. I wake up to Mom throwing my bedroom door open.)

Mom: “[My Name]! Why are you so irresponsible? We got that d*** alarm clock so I don’t have to worry about waking you up in the morning, and you can’t even be bothered to turn it on!”

Alarm Clock: “BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!”

(Mom slunk away without another word, and I sat in my bed for a moment to try to register what the heck just happened before getting up to check the main clock in the living room: 7:02.)