(I work audit at a popular hotel chain. I am warned immediately when I get in one night that there is a VERY large bachelor party renting four rooms, and that they announced they were going to a strip club and getting drunk before they all left. I am prepared to field all manner of weird requests when they get back, but have been told that more than likely they will want to get in the pool. The first thing I do is block the pool, so only a master key can get in, and then settle down to wait. Sure enough, they come back, and the entire party is drunk. They are carrying various open containers of alcohol, and not a single person in this party is quiet.)

Me: “Hey, guys, just a reminder that it’s after midnight. I’m going to need you to be quiet in the halls and be courteous of other guests!”

Guest #1: “Okay. Hey, will you let us into the pool?”

Me: “No, sorry, the pool is closed.”

Guest #2: “We only need it for, like 15 minutes! We just want to throw the groom in!”

Me: “Unfortunately, I can’t open it, even for 15 minutes. Sorry.”

Guest #1: “We could bribe you? We still have lots of singles from the strip club!”

Guest #2: “Yeah, the strippers were kind of ugly.”

Me: “Sorry.”

Guest #1: “Or you could have a shot?” *holds up bottle of raspberry vodka*

Me: “Oh, that does sound tempting, but I’m on the clock, and I can’t drink on the job.”

Guest #2: “Beer? [Brand] Energy Drink?” *holds out box of energy drinks*

Me: “No, sorry, I still can’t let you in the pool. If you really want to throw the groom in, you can do it at six o’clock tomorrow morning.”

Guest #1: “Well, never mind, I guess. Do you want a shot, anyway?”

Me: “Like I said, I’m working, so I can’t. I’d get fired.”

Guest #2: *hands me a can of energy drink* “Here. You should have this.”

Me: *takes can* “Okay? I’m still not opening the pool.”

Guest #1: “It’s okay. I’m going to go yell at everyone to be quiet. Bye!”

(This was not the last time I heard of or from them that night, either, and all my encounters went much the same way.)

(A cashier comes up to me at the service desk with a suspended order.)

Cashier: “I’m sorry. I talked to our coordinator about it, but I just can’t handle this anymore. The customer wants to get cash back on a coupon, and we can’t do that. I’m sorry.”

Customer: *furiously* “You know about that sale last week right? With the iPads? And how you got this coupon?”

(The customer waves the coupon around so I can hardly read it. I can make out that it was $135 off their next purchase. That means you have to make a purchase of over $135 in order to use it, since it does not give cash back.)

Me: “I’m sorry; I’m not familiar with that.”

Customer: *more angry* “What do you mean, you’re not?! How do you not know what sales are going on in your own store?!”

Me: “Ah, well… I guess there’s just so many that’d it’d be impossible to remember all of them.”

Customer: “Well! It never stated anywhere in the paper that you couldn’t get cash back on this coupon, so it’s very misleading!”

Me: “Unfortunately, you can’t get cash back on those kinds of coupons. You have to spend over $135 in order to use it.”

Customer: “That’s not fair! Ask your manager, then!”

Me: “Okay.” *calls manager* “So, I have a customer here who wants to get cash back for a $135-off coupon on a $38 transaction.”

Manager: “Yeah, we don’t do that. We’ve never done that. Tell them no.”

Me: “I’m sorry. My manager said that we cannot do that.”

Customer: “Get him up here! I need to speak with him!”

Me: “All right.”

(I call the manager back. While I’m calling him up, the woman mutters “bring it on”.

Me: “Hey, she wants to speak with you.”

Manager: “Okay, I’ll be right there.”

(The manager arrives.)

Customer: “Are you the manager?!”

Manager: “Yes, I am. Well, of this department.”

Customer: “You see, I want to use this on my order, but it won’t give me cash back, and that is very misleading, since it said nowhere in the paper that I couldn’t! You guys are just trying to scam me! I spend so much money here. I bet you don’t even make how much I spend here!”

Manager: “We have never given money back on a coupon.”

Customer: “That’s not true! I’ve done it before!”

Manager: “Ma’am, I’ve been here over 37 years. We have never given money back on a coupon. You have to spend over that in order to use it. That is just how it works.”

Customer: “Get me your manager! This is absolutely ridiculous! I’m going to tell all my friends about this. And they were loyal shoppers, too!”

(My manager calls up the store director in charge. He explains to her the situation, and she also refuses to let the woman get cash back.)

Manager: “She said that we cannot do that.”

Customer: “Get her up here! I want to talk to her personally!”

Manager: *calls her back again* “She said she’s going to be a few minutes, but she’ll be here.”

Customer: “Whatever. As long as I can talk to her.”

(A good five or more minutes pass until she is able to make it up front. I see the store director talking with my manager and coordinator off to the side before she confronts the woman.)

Customer: “Are you the store director?!”

Store Director: “Not the main one, but I’m in charge right now, yes.”

(The customer explains her situation again, shouting about how the store is trying to rip her off.)

Store Director: “I’m sorry, but we cannot do that. I can take down your name and number, and you can talk with the main store director on Monday.”

Customer: “No. I want this done now! I live in [City I’ve never even heard of]. And this is just too far of a drive!”

Store Director: “We cannot, nor have we ever before done cash back on a coupon.”

Customer: “This is just asinine! I need to pay for my stuff, then!”

(She was brought over to an empty lane, and the cashier began to re-ring her order. The woman pulled out her phone and began to record the cashier, the service desk, and the managers, while screaming and degrading the cashier. I ended up getting caught on her film so, I shot her the dirtiest look I could give. I called my manager to let him know that she was filming this, and he said that she most likely wouldn’t do anything with it. Later, he told me that he wished he’d known sooner so he could have flipped her off.)

(My twin sister and I are working at our father’s store along with our aunt who just started working there. We’re talking about customers and dumb “twin questions.”)

Me: “The worst ones are the over-dramatic questions. Like, ‘Whoa, I thought I was seeing double!'”

Twin: “Yeah, and they’ll add, ‘And I haven’t even started drinking today!’ They all think they’re so original.”

Aunt: “I can see how that can get very annoying.”

(As if on cue, as customer enters the store and sees my twin and me.)

Customer: “Oh, my God, are you guys twins?”

Me & Twin: *nods*

Customer: “And I thought I was seeing double! Wow, I haven’t even started drinking yet! Haha!”

Twin and Aunt: “…”

Me: “Oh, come on. He had to have heard us from outside… Right?”

(I have a second cousin who is autistic, and is about five years old. He often comes to family parties, and I’m usually the one to watch him, since I’m decent with kids and he likes being with me. His mom appreciates the break, and I have fun playing with him. At this particular party, my dad has made focaccia, an Italian bread that is made in a baking pan. It’s about an inch thick, and you eat it by itself. My cousin and his mom have just arrived, so I grab two pieces of focaccia and give one to him. His mom smiles at me.)

His Mom: “Good luck getting him to eat that. He won’t eat bread by itself.”

(This isn’t out of the ordinary, since my second cousin is extremely picky. However, I am still pretty embarrassed, and secretly wish I had asked first. Although he isn’t really eating it, my cousin still wants to hold the bread, so I let him keep it as we go to the basement. In the basement, my cousin wants to play with the exercise machine. He gives me his focaccia, which he has nibbled on, but hasn’t actually eaten. On a whim, I tear off a small piece and give it to him. To my surprise, he eats it! I am very surprised, but rather cheerful, since that means the bread won’t go to waste. Piece by tiny piece, my cousin finishes that piece of bread, until it is gone. I tell his mom what happened.)

Me: “…and he ate the piece! Turns out, he just didn’t like biting it!”

(His mom gives me a funny look.)

His Mom: “Sooo… When do you want to start babysitting him?”

(Since they live about an hour and a half away, I haven’t gotten the chance to watch him yet, but I do hope to watch him soon!)

(I am watching a music video countdown show. A video by a hip hop artist who has just made it big is playing.)

Grandma: “Who is that?”

Me: *looks up from something else to the video, no artist or song is displayed* “I dunno. I haven’t seen it before.”

Grandma: “Then how is she famous?”

Me: “What?”

Grandma: “How can she be famous if no one knows who she is?”

Me: “Grandma, we’re hardly everyone, the two of us.”

Grandma: *mumbles something under her breath as she storms out of the room*