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Do Not Acid Test God

, , , , , | Right | March 26, 2013

(I work at a twenty-four-hour convenience store on a college campus I attend. A man in his twenties comes in at about 4:00 am. He’s the only one in the store except me and one of my coworkers.)

Me: “Hi there! How’re you today?”

Customer: “Not bad.”

(He walks over to one of the three aisles in the store before starting to strip down naked. I’m taken aback and immediately start to call the police, while my coworker attempts to talk the man down.)

Coworker: “Hey, dude, what are you doing? Put your clothes on!”

Customer: “It’s a glorious day! A righteous day!”

(The man, now fully nude, begins to touch his body to the disgust of both of us. He starts rubbing his front up against the ice-cold freezer door.)

Me: “Sir, I’ve called the police. They’ll be here soon; please put your clothes on.”

(The customer mumbles incoherently as he rests up against the door, touching himself very inappropriately. My coworker manages to talk him into getting into his underwear as the cops arrive and arrest him.)

Cop #1: “What’s your name, son?”

Customer: “I AM GOD!”

Cop #1: “Yeah, okay, son. Let’s go.”

(The cops lead him out into the freezing air in only his underwear. Later in the day, they come back to explain why he did it.)

Cop #1: “Apparently, he was on four hits of acid and had just left a house party on campus!”

(The customer came in the next day demanding that we return his iPhone that “we clearly stole.” We threw him out of the store.)


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For You, We’re Always Closed, Part 2

, , , , , | Right | December 4, 2012

(Our restaurant is, and always has been, closed on only two days a year: Thanksgiving and Christmas.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Restaurant]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I’d like to make reservations for Thanksgiving.”

Me: “Unfortunately, we’re closed on Thanksgiving. Would you like a reservation for another day?”

Caller: “But your website says you’re open.”

Me: “Occasionally our website has tricky wording; perhaps it was another of our locations that’s decided to remain open for the holiday.”

Caller: “No, it says you’re open.”

Me: “I assure you, ma’am, we are closed on Thanksgiving.”

Caller: “It says you’re open. I’d like to make a reservation for Thanksgiving.”

Me: “Ma’am, we are only closed for Thanksgiving and Christmas, as it’s been for the past six years. I promise you, we are not open on Thanksgiving.”

Caller: “BUT IT SAYS YOU’RE OPEN. YOU’RE OPEN! I WANT A RESERVATION!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not sure what to tell you. We are closed on Thanksgiving. No one will be here to cook for you.”

Caller: “I JUST WANT A FREAKING RESERVATION!” *click*

Me: *to my manager* “Well… that was fun.”


This story is part of the Thanksgiving 2021 roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

25 Tastefully Turkey-tastic Tales About Thanksgiving!

 

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Thankfully, Love Is A Universal Language, Part 2

, , , , , | Romantic | October 4, 2012

(My ex-boyfriend and I met in a college linguistics class, so grammar is a running joke throughout our relationship. We are living together. I am leaving for work about ten minutes before he is.)

Me: “It’s a little icy, so please drive safe.”

Boyfriend: *not looking up from the computer* “Safely.”

Me: “Blah! You’re right. Drive safely. I love you. Oh, wait, does that sentence objectify you?”

(Diagramming the sentence, “I love you,” shows “you” being the object of the sentence.)

Me: “You are who I love.”

Boyfriend: “Whom.”

(In mock fury, I throw a nearby sandal at the back of his chair. He starts laughing hysterically. As I walk out the door, he yells back.)

Boyfriend: “I love you, too!”


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Family Re-Ew-nion

, , | Related | July 17, 2012

(My oldest sister is single and laments that fact often. This is the first time we are seeing my grandma in a few years.)

Grandma: “You know, girls, you should have come to the family reunion. There were a lot of cute boys there!”

Sister: “Grandma! They’re all related to us!”

Grandma: “So? They aren’t that closely related!”


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Calling B.S. On Your B.S.

, , , , | Right | May 15, 2012

Me: “Thank you for calling [University]. What can I help you with today?”

Caller: “Yes, hi. I would like to know how to be an alumni. Like, how do I get the alumni membership of this university?”

Me: “Well, ma’am, have you graduated from our university?”

Caller: “No.”

Me: “So you are still attending this university at the moment?”

Caller: “No. I just want the benefits. I can get money off of my insurance, but I need you to make me an alumni officially.”

Me: “Have you ever attended our university?”

Caller: *impatient* “No! Can you just tell me how to do this?”

Me: “Well, an alumni is someone who has graduated with an actual degree from the university. You cannot be an alumni unless you have graduated with a degree.”

Caller: *silent*

Me: “One of our degrees.”

Caller: *still silent*

Me: “Only graduates from our university can have our alumni benefits.”

Caller: “What?!”

Me: “You can’t be an alumni and have those benefits without graduating from here.”

Caller: “What? I just want it for insurance. How come you can’t understand this?!”

(This went on for another fifteen minutes before she gave up!)