(I’m checking out customers when a guy comes up to me, looking furious.)

Me: “Hi, how are you doing today? Find everything?”

Customer: “No. I need a f****** rain-check!”

Me: *taken aback* “Okay… For what product?”

Customer: “I want ten of the two-liter pops for $1 each!”

Me: “The two-liter [Soda]s?”

Customer: “Yeah! You gonna write it down or just stand around?!”

Me: *stares past him, at a massive display of two-liter pops, with the sign that says: “[Soda]: 10/$1”*

Customer: “The f*** you looking at?”

Me: *doesn’t answer, just points*

Customer: *looks where I’m looking* “HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO SEE THAT?!”

Me: “It’s visible as soon as you walk in, sir.”

Customer: “F*** YOU!” *storms out*

(I work in a clothing store that is marketed towards and frequented by female teachers. I am just finishing up my undergrad in elementary education. We have a discount for teachers who can provide some sort of proof — ID, paystubs, etc. — that they’re teachers and I always like to talk to the people who ask about the discount and pick their brains about teaching.)

Customer: “You guys have a teachers’ discount, right? For 25% off?”

(She looks about my age, if not younger, which immediately makes me think she’s a student, and not actually a teacher, but I give her the benefit of the doubt.)

Me: “It’s actually 15% off, but only off of full-price items, and everything you’re getting today is on sale, so I can’t add it on top of that.”

Customer: “Oh, okay!”

Me: “What do you teach?”

Customer: “Oh, um, actually, I’m doing Teach for America.”

Me: “Nice. I’m just finishing studying education at [Local University] and I’ll be starting my student teaching in the fall.”

Customer: “I actually got a degree in advertising, but I’m going to New Mexico next year for the program.”

Me: “Ah, okay.”

(Girl, you’re a year out from the job and you want a discount? Get your non-education going-into-education BS away from me.)

(I recently started working at a gas station. We were told to ID anyone who looks under 50 because the store recently had a problem with selling to minors. I’m working the register when a guy comes up with a single beer.)

Me: “Hey there! Can I get you anything else today?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Can I see your ID for the beer, please?”

Customer: “I don’t have it on me.”

Me: “I’m really sorry, but I can’t sell to you unless you have your ID.”

Customer: “That’s okay. I’ll go put it back.”

(I’m thinking, “Whew, that went better than I thought it would,” and I continue waiting on customers. A few minutes later the guy comes back up with an empty can and tries to hand me money.)

Customer: “I drank this, and here is my money for it.”

Me: “What the…”

(He took the beer into our bathroom and drank the entire thing. I call my boss up to the store to see how she would like to handle this. She takes his money and he leaves the store.)

Me: “I’m pretty sure he drank that in the bathroom.”

Boss: “And that is why when we deny a sale we put the beer behind the counter.”

(We both had a great laugh about it, and I no longer let a customer “put it back.”)

(When my daughter is little we enjoy wandering through pet stores looking at the animals. This is overheard at one location.)

Woman #1: “Oh, look at those cute animals. What are they?”

Woman #2: “The sign says that they’re ferrets.”

Woman #1: “They don’t bite do they?”

Woman #2: “I’m sure they don’t. A pet store wouldn’t sell animals that bite.”

Daughter: “Mom, didn’t Grandpa tell us that once when he was hunting rabbits with his ferret that it bit him?”

Me: “Yes, he did.”

Daughter: “Why did those ladies think that animals don’t bite? Even my gerbils bite.”

(My town was founded as two towns back in the lumber baron days, and was made into one much later. Residents still know and refer to the areas on either side of the bridges over the river as “East Side” or “West Side.” This is important whenever giving directions, for example. It is my day to work the circulation desk at the library, and part of that includes fielding phone calls. I pick one up about halfway through the day.)

Me: “Circulation desk. This is [My Name] speaking. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Hello! I was hoping to get some directions to the library!”

Me: “Certainly! Our address is [address]. Does that sound familiar?”

Caller: “Not really…”

Me: “Hmm, well, are you East Side or West Side?”

Caller: “What?”

Me: “East [City] or West [City]? I can give you directions based off of that.”

Caller: “There’s an East and West [City] now?”

Me: “Er, as long as I’ve lived here… in [City], Michigan.”

Caller: *starts laughing!* “Oh, my God!”

Me: “What is it?”

Caller: “I meant to call the [Same City], Oregon library!”

Me: *starts laughing as well* “Yes, our library would be a bit of a drive!”

(We both had a good laugh about the mix-up. I wished her luck in her endeavor and spent the rest of my shift in a lighter mood!)