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The Cake Is Bittersweet

, , , , , , , | Friendly | May 10, 2019

I work at a restaurant that offers those “singing and cake” extras for birthdays. One day, I am approached by two teenage boys who pay for the birthday special for their female friend. I’m thinking, “Aw, that’s cute!”

We make the cake and we go sing “Happy Birthday” to their table… and it quickly becomes obvious that the girl is not into it. She’s death-glaring at the boys so hard I’m surprised they don’t burst into flames. They giggle the entire time. When it’s time to blow out the candle, she puts it out between her index and thumb, then smashes the cake against the face of the boy closest to her.

Turns out, she hated this kind of stuff and they got it anyway, just to mess with her. Good times.

A Very Informal Education

, , , , | Learning | April 30, 2019

(I teach at a bilingual school in Mexico. One day the English staff gets this notice:)

Notice: “Parents will be visiting campus on Friday. Please remember to wear pants.”

(As it turns out, they were reminding us not to wear jeans.)

Learning How To Talk Crap

, , , , , | Friendly | April 22, 2019

(My friend and I are traveling together through Mexico. We are sitting in an outdoor cafe on a square in a beautiful Mexican city when I am approached by a young woman. She engages me in conversation. I am nervous. She does not speak English, and I only speak basic high school Spanish, so the conversation is going slowly.)

Woman: “¿Cómo te llamas?”

Me: “¿Me llamo [My Name], y tú?”

Woman: “Gabriela… ¿Y cuantos años tienes?”

Me: “Tengo 23 anos.”

(She leaves quickly. My friend starts laughing.)

Me: “What did I say?”

Friend: “You told her you have 23 a**holes.”

Can’t Be As Smooth As Those Stairs

, , , , , | Learning | April 12, 2019

(I teach advanced classes at a fine arts school. The building is old, and it shows, but since it’s state property, it takes loads and loads of paperwork to get anything fixed. We’re left with buzzing lamps, cracked walls, and mirror-smooth floors and stairs with no friction whatsoever. One day, as I walk to the classroom, I find one of my students sprawled across the stairs, not moving.)

Me: “Oh, God! [Student], are you okay?!”

Student: “Yeah, doc, I’m fine. Just thinking, y’know? This place has been here for quite a while… Imagine how many scholars and artists walked on these stairs, how many other people must have been here before them, paving the way for us…”

Me: “You slipped and fell, didn’t you?”

Student: “I slipped and fell, doc. And it really hurts, so I’m just chillin’ until it passes.”

Student Used Semantics: It Was Super Effective!

, , , | Learning | March 28, 2019

(I am a kindergarten teacher when Pokemon cards are hugely popular. They grow to be a distraction in class.)

Me: “All right, put all your Pokemon cards away. I don’t want to see them out in class again.”

(Five minutes later, I see a kid messing around with his cards.)

Me: “What did I just say? Didn’t you hear me say, ‘No Pokemon cards out in class.’?”

Kid: “But Mr. [My Name], these aren’t Pokemon. They’re Digimon.”

Me: *pause* “You got me there.”