(My dad uses some connections to reserve us an island to camp on in the Gulf of Mexico. The island is tiny, and we are the only people camping there. The largest animal on the island is probably a rabbit. I am eight, and my brother is three. The week we are there, low tide is around 11:00 pm, and my parents leave to go and look for shells. I’ve never been very good at sleeping, so I decide to follow after them. Eventually, they run into me on the beach.)

Dad: “[My Name], is that you?”

Me: “Yes, Daddy!”

Dad: “Do you know what time it is?”

Me: “Dark.”

Dad: “Yes. Why aren’t you asleep in the tent?”

Me: “There’s a bear attacking the tent. It scared me.”

Dad: “Baby, there aren’t any bears on the island. Why do you think there’s a bear attacking the tent?”

Me: “I heard it. It growled and banged on the wall.”

Mom: “Where’s your baby brother?

Me: “He was asleep already. I left him for the bear to eat.”

This story is part of our S’Mores Day roundup!

Read the next S’mores Day Roundup story!

Read the S’mores Day Roundup!

(I work at a library that opens Monday through Saturday. It is the Tuesday after a long weekend following the celebration of Mexico’s Independence Day. When I walk in, my assistant looks to be almost in tears while talking to a customer on the phone. I decide to take the call from there.)

Me: “Good morning. This is the manager. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Oh, nothing really. Since you are all a bunch of lazy a**holes. Shame on you.”

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t understand, ma’am.”

Customer: “Well, I called on Sunday because I needed some very important information and no one picked up the phone. No one, you lazy b****!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, but, you see, we close Sundays. Any other day we are happy to help with any information.”

Customer: “Yeah? Well, explain this to me. I called yesterday and your s****y secretary didn’t even pick up the phone.”

Me: “Well, because of the long weekend, we were closed this particular Monday.”

Customer: “What the f***? You close when I need information? Are you deliberately doing this to upset me? This country doesn’t need people like you, you know?!”

Me: “You mean, people that celebrate its independence? That’s the reason we closed. Banks close this particular day too, you know?”

Customer: “What?! You mean banks were closed too?! Is this some kind of evil plan you’re all plotting against me?!”

(At this point, I decide I’ve had enough of her screaming.)

Me: “YES WE ARE! And now you know, you should never stop looking over your shoulder because we are after YOU.”

(We never heard from that customer again.)

(I’m at home watching TV when I receive a call on my cellphone. I’m a girl.)

Representative: “Hello, I’d like to speak with Mr. [Name].”

Me: “I’m sorry; this is not his number.”

Representative: “Is the number [number]?”

Me: “Yes, it is, but this is not his number.”

Representative: “But you know him?”

Me: “No, I don’t know him.”

Representative: “Are you his wife?”

Me: “No, I told you I don’t know the guy. I’ve never heard of him. This is not his number; it’s mine.”

Representative: *rudely* “This is the number I have on the system. Did you buy the phone recently?”

Me: “No, this is my number, and I’ve had it for over seven years. He must have made a mistake when he gave you the number.”

Representative: “No, he gave us the number a couple of days ago and we confirmed it.”

Me: “Well, then I don’t know what to say. This is not his number.”

Representative: “Anyway, you have to tell him he owes us $[amount] and he has to come pay it by tomorrow!”

Me: “Excuse me, but what part of ‘This is not his number’ and ‘I don’t know him’ do you not understand?”

Representative: “Anyway, be sure to tell him that when you see him!”

(Despite my attempts to explain my situation multiple times, this went on for days!)

(I am giving information about documents students need to bring to their university interview.)

Me: “We’ll need you to bring your birth certificate, an ID, your high school diploma, and eight black and white photos for your file.”

Customer: “Eight photos? How?”

Me: “Yes, eight black and white photos.”

Customer: “You mean four black and four white?”

This story is part of the College-Admission-Fails roundup!

Read the next College-Admission-Fails roundup story!

Read the College-Admission-Fails roundup!