This Money Holds No Quarter With Me

, , , , , | Right | December 11, 2018

Me: “Your total is $10.15.”

Customer: *hands me $9.40*

Me: “I’m sorry; you’re a bit short. I need $10.15.”

Customer: “I gave you $9, a quarter, and 15 cents.”

Me: “Yes, a quarter and 15 cents equals 40 cents.”

Customer: “No, it says, ‘quarter dollar.’ It’s worth a dollar.”

Me: “No, ma’am. It’s a quarter of a dollar, meaning ¢25.”

Customer: “Well, my friend told me it’s worth a dollar.”

(I still don’t know how a middle-aged American had never used a quarter before.)

A Giant Window Into His Sense Of Humor

, , , , , , , | Working | July 11, 2018

(It is my first week with a pretty nice restaurant. I learn quickly that my boss likes to joke around with a serious face so he can get people. I live up too true to my blonde hair.)

Me: “Hey, [Boss]! Where do I put the extra silverware? The bucket is too full.”

Boss: *completely serious face* “Oh, just take it upstairs. We have extra bins up there.”

Me: “We have an upstairs?!”

(Cue laughter from the boss and nearby coworkers who are listening. Now, fast forward a couple of hours, and it happens again)

Me: “[Boss], it’s really hot in here; can’t you turn the air down?”

Boss: “No, it stays on that setting, but here. Do this: open that window behind you.”

(This is a huge window, from ceiling to halfway to the floor, and stretches my height at least twice; I’m 5’9”. Pretty obvious it doesn’t open, right?)

Me: “Whoa, wait. It opens? I didn’t know that was possible!”

Boss: *stares at me for a moment before bursting out laughing* “You’re too easy, [My Name]!”

A Piece Of Crap Advice

, , , , | Right | June 19, 2018

(I don’t need a smartphone. I’m still rocking’ an $11.99 flip phone. Perfect, but three times in the four years I’ve had it, it has mysteriously erased my contacts list. I finally call the provider and get an actual human. I explain my problem.)

Rep: “Yes, we’re aware of that flaw. It’s in the built-in software.”

Me: “Is it going to be upgraded any time soon?”

(Pause.)

Rep: “Sir… in all honesty, the technology is about twenty years old. You paid twelve bucks for a piece of crap phone and you got a piece of crap phone. If you want something better, go get a better phone.”

(Got it. I actually appreciated that; at least it was honest! So, thank you to the guy for a breath of fresh air!)

Pay Up Or Lock Up

, , , , , | Right | June 14, 2018

(This happens to a coworker of mine, in a rather pricey restaurant. The way the system works, the waitresses collect all money from patrons, and settle up with the office at the end of the night. Whatever is left is the waitress’s tips. So, if someone runs out on the tab, the waitress takes the shortage, not the restaurant. Four teenagers come in, order rather pricey meals, and run out on the tab. The waitress runs out to the parking lot, and runs behind their car trying to flag them down as they laugh and wave and drive off. The waitress gets a description of the car and calls the police. Fifteen minutes later, the local sheriff arrives with the kids in tow.)

Sheriff: “All right, what’s going on?”

Kids: “Oh, it was an accident! We totally forgot! We are sorry!”

Sheriff: “Yep, just a little communication problem. Happens all the time. What do they owe, miss?”

Waitress: “They owe [four times the amount of the actual check].”

Kids: “No way! We only owe [original amount].”

Waitress: “I added a service charge for the inconvenience, and for the pain and suffering I’ve endured.”

Sheriff: “Well, kids, that seems reasonable to me, but you don’t have to pay. We’ll just go down to the station and talk it over down there.”

(The kids decided to pay.)

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Getting Shirty About The Shirt

, , , , , , , | Romantic | March 6, 2018

(My girlfriend and I are waiting in line to check out at a store. We’re in our late 30s, and while I’m into a lot of geeky things, she’s not. While in line, a rather attractive younger woman comes up behind us. She’s wearing librarian glasses, a [Popular Old Video Game] pendant necklace, and a t-shirt printed with one of those parody [Role-Playing Dungeon Game] alignment charts. I can’t help but notice and start to read her shirt, which means I’m staring directly at her chest. My girlfriend notices after a moment, grabs my sleeve, and gives me a nostril-flaring death stare.)

Me: *doesn’t get it at first* “What?” *gets it* “What? I was reading her shirt!”

Young Woman: *also doesn’t get it* “Oh, you like?” *pulls shirt out a bit making it easier to read*

Me: “Yeah, that’s really cool. Have a great day!”

(The girlfriend and I get through the register quickly, fortunately. Let’s say that her driving on the way home is a bit, um… aggressive. After she takes a turn that screeches the tires:)

Me: “I really was just reading her shirt. It was a [Role-Playing Dungeon Game] alignment chart, but with [Popular Space Movie] characters.”

Girlfriend: “Uh-huh.”

Me: “No, see, there’s this idea of a grid that your character can fall into, and that determines what you..”

Girlfriend: *cutting me off* “SHUT UP!”

Me: “But that’s–”

Girlfriend: *cutting me off again* “SHUT. THE. F***. UP. NOW!”

(After getting home, she shut herself in the bedroom. I have a feeling I’m sleeping on the couch tonight, all because I couldn’t not know that whole chart.)

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