Customer: “My TV has a USB port and the manual says I need something to plug into it to be able to record. A HDD, or SSD, or an STD or something.”

Me: “Oh, a hard drive! Sure, let me show you where they are.”

(I show the customer to the hard drives and we discuss how much space he needs.)

Customer: “So, should I get the 320GB or the 750GB STD?”

Me: “Uh, well it depends on how much you think you’ll be recording.”

Customer: “Well, at this price, I’ll just get the cheaper one. Then, if it fills up, I can get more. My family can swap STDs whenever they need to, then!”

(I am an usher ripping tickets at the podium and directing customers to their cinema.)

Me: “You’re in cinema number four. It’s up the stairs to your left.”

Patron: “Which way?”

Me: “Left, and then go up the stairs.”

Patron: “Which way’s left?”

Me: “That way.” *points*

Patron: “Great, thanks!”

(A man approaches the counter.)

Me: “Hello, sir, what can I get for you today?”

Customer: “Yes, I was wondering what days you guys are closed.”

Me: “We’re open every day.”

Customer: “Yes, but which days aren’t you open?”

Me: “None. We are open every day.”

Customer: *irritated* “Are you deaf? Which days AREN’T you open?”

Me: “Sir, we are open on days that end with the letter Y.”

Customer: “Right! So you’re open four days a week! Why didn’t you just say that?”

(We’re a science fiction specialty bookstore. We also have a few other odds’n’ends around the store from series that do well, including several bits of Doctor Who merchandise.)

Me: “Can I help you today, sir?”

Customer: “All of your Doctor Who stuff is bootlegged!”

Me: “I assure you it’s not, sir. As you can see, it has the BBC logo on it.”

Customer: “They can print anything in China. This TARDIS is a total knockoff!”

Me: “Possibly, but we source our merchandise from reputable distributors located in the US & UK. We’re using the same suppliers that the [National Broadcaster] store uses for its Doctor Who merchandise.”

Customer: “Bulls***! This is all fake! And you know how I can tell? Phoneboxes are RED!”

(I am a cashier serving an elderly woman in her 70’s or 80’s. I have just finished scanning her items and she is handing me the money after looking through her purse for several minutes.)

Customer: “Here you go, dear. I was a bit worried for a moment that I wouldn’t have enough money! I thought I might have to… well, you’re probably too young to know.”

Me: “What’s that, ma’am?”

Customer: “Well, I thought I might have to go down to [well-known brothel] and stand out on the street. You know, earn some fast cash!”

Me: *speechless*

Customer: *laughing* “You have a lovely day now!”