Some Recipes Contain No Margarine For Error

, , , , , | Right | December 7, 2010

Customer: “Hi, could you point me in the direction of the butter?”

Me: “Of course, it’s just over here.”

Customer: “Do you have these in liquid form? Like watery?”

Me: “I’m not sure what you mean.. Did you want cream?”

Customer: “No, no, like liquid butter?”

(At this point I look at the customers shopping list: it’s a recipe list for pancakes and it clearly says ‘melted butter.’)

Me: “You want to buy melted butter? You know you can just make that, right?”

Customer: “Oh, really? You actually make it yourself? How do you do that?”

Me: “You just put regular butter in a hot pan and it melts.”

Customer: “Wow! That’s fantastic! Thank you so much!”

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Will Never Get Past The Conceptual Stage

, , , , , | Right | November 23, 2010

(A customer comes to my register with prenatal vitamins and a book on conception.)

Customer: “The tablets scanned at $32.50. They’re supposed to be $20!”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. I’ll just get someone to check the price. Won’t be a moment.” *checks* “No, I’m sorry. $32.50 is the correct price.”

Customer: “$32.50 is way too expensive! I don’t want to conceive that much!”

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Killing One Cold Bird With Two Stores

, , , , | Right | September 6, 2010

Customer: *throws bag of food at me* “It’s f****** cold! Your chicken is terrible and the bun is stale!”

Me: “Uh, this is–”

Customer: “No, shut up! You guys always f*** me over, you’re not getting away with it today!”

Me: “You didn’t–”

Customer: “Fine! Get your manager, if you won’t help me. Enjoy being fired, a**wipe!”

Another Customer: “You’re at [Fast Food Place], mate. You bought your food from [Rival Store], next door.”

Customer: “Oh.” *awkward silence* “Can I have that bag back?”

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Corrupt The Kids And You’ll Have H*** Toupee

, , , , , , | Right | September 2, 2010

(I’m a female. I’ve recently shaved my head for charity.)

Customer’s Son: “Mum, there’s a boy-lady!”

Customer: *distracted* “Is there darling?”

Customer’s Son: “Yes, at the counter.”

(The mother glares at me.)

Customer: “I see.”

Customer’s Son: “Can I be a boy-lady?”

Customer: “No. No, you cannot.”

(They finish what they’re doing and as they’re leaving the mother calls me over.)

Customer: “I don’t care what you do at home, but if you want to pass for female in public, buy a d*** wig. You’re corrupting the kids!”

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Takeout The Decision Making Process

, , , , | Right | August 29, 2010

(I’m a new waiter and I’m alone during an afternoon shift when a customer calls.)

Customer: “I’m [Customer]. I’d like to order my usual for takeaway.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I’m new. Could you tell me what you would like to order?”

Customer: “My usual.”

Me: “I don’t know what that is, sir.”

Customer: “Just tell the kitchen that it’s for [Customer]. They’ll know what it is.”

Me: “Okay, but just in case they don’t know, could you tell me what your usual is?”

Customer: “Oh, they’ll know. I’m a regular.”

(He hangs up. Fifteen minutes later a man turns up in the restaurant.)

Customer: “I’m [Customer]. I ordered my usual over the phone.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, the kitchen staff don’t know what your usual is so they weren’t able to make it.”

Customer: “But I’m a regular! They know who I am.”

Me: “They don’t. They cook whatever we tell them to cook. They never interact with the customers. If you would like to tell me what your usual is I could place your order.”

Customer: “Never mind.”

(The customer left. Later, I told the manager what happened. The manager laughed and said that that particular customer always ordered his usual which was whatever dish the staff member chose for him.)

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