What The Beep Did You Think We Were Doing?

| Australia | Right | February 4, 2017

(I’m an audiologist in a hearing aid clinic. Testing the hearing of fully grown, competent adults is a large part of my job. I have this conversation at least once a week.)

Me: “Okay, so we’re going to do the hearing test now. I’m going to put these headphones on–” *holds up headphones* “–and I want to you press this button–” *hands client the button and mimes pressing it* “–when you hear a beep, okay?”

Client: “Okay, so press the button when I hear it?”

Me: “Yes, when you hear it.”

Client: “Okay.”

(I then sit down at my computer and present a beep through the headphones at a reasonable volume. No response. I go a bit louder, the client just sits there. I check my equipment and present again. Nothing. I try the other ear, nothing. Finally, I go back to the client.)

Me: “Were there any beeps there?”

Client: *with pride* “Oh, yes, I heard all of those!”

Me: “Ok… so, when you hear it… press the button.”

Client: “Oh! Have we started?”

Your Pregnancy Assumptions Are Making Me Sick

| CT, USA | Working | February 3, 2017

(Growing up, once in a while I would get extremely nauseated, often to the point where I could not keep down water. If it went on long enough, I had to go to the ER to get a shot of Compazine (an anti-nausea drug) and IV fluids. Fortunately I grew out of it, but the last time it happened I was about 16 and the urgent care doctor was a little too persistent in his questions. Keep in mind I had been vomiting for hours and feeling horrible with little sleep since the night before, and I got fed up.)

Doctor: “Are you pregnant?”

Me: “No.”

Doctor: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Yes. Very sure. This has happened all my life; I just need the shot.”

Doctor: “Are you sure you aren’t pregnant? Pregnancy can cause nausea, you know.”

Me: “I am really positive I am not pregnant.”

Doctor: “We can’t give you this shot if you are pregnant—”

Me: *interrupting* “—unless I’m giving birth to Jesus Christ, I’m not f****** pregnant!”

(The doctor must have been pissed because he insisted on giving me the shot in my ass, which was a first, but I was so sick I really didn’t care. I should’ve just told him I was a virgin, but my friend had brought me and I think I didn’t really want to say it in front of her.)

It’s A Sticking Point

| Brisbane, QLD, Australia | Working | January 11, 2017

(I’m incredibly allergic to the adhesives used in medical tapes and stickies. I’ve just had a test where they monitor my heart with a portable ECG for 24 hours. They place sticky tabs all over my chest to attach wires. I had a really bad reaction to them. I’m at my cardiologist getting the results and talking about buying my own monitor.)

Me: “Will it need me to use more stickies?”

Cardiologist: “No, some of them let you just put your finger on them.”

Me: “Good because my skin got really burnt from the last ones.”

Cardiologist: “You need to tell them you are allergic.”

Me: “Why? They can’t do anything.”

Cardiologist: “They can use different stickies.”

Me: “Yeah, but I’m allergic to the adhesive not the sticky…”

Cardiologist: “Yep… No point telling them.”

Getting Into A Blood Debt

| Lakewood, CO, USA | Friendly | January 10, 2017

(I’m between jobs. To make some extra cash until I get back to work I go to a plasma donation center. While in the waiting room another person there is going up to everyone asking if they have any extra cigarettes. He gets to the person next to me.)

Other Donor: “Man, we are all here to sell our f***ing blood. If any of us can afford cigarettes I doubt we’d want to bum them to strangers!”

(The entire waiting room laughed while the guy’s face turned red before he slunk back to his seat.)

The Gramp Of Approval

| Bangor, ME, USA | Related | December 15, 2016

(My daughter was born at 26 weeks, as a result, at least 2-3 times a year we are back up in Bangor for appointments. My father has offered to take us to the clinic for my daughter’s hearing test. It’s important to note that we have already gone, and last time it was my husband, her father, who went with us, and we had the same nurse as this time, who held a conversation with my husband. We have finished and my daughter passed. While talking about how advanced she is for a preemie at the age of two, we walk out to the waiting room where my father sits, and the nurse comes out with this gem.)

Me: “Come on, Bugaboo! Time to put your jacket on!”

Daughter: *squeals and runs to her grampy* “No! Grampy!”

Dad: *laughs and picks her up* “She said ‘no.'”

Nurse: *laughing* “Are you the father?”

Dad: “…”

Daughter: “NO.”

Dad: “I’m GRAMPY.”

Nurse: “Take that as a compliment.”

Dad: “I will.”

(I was laughing so hard that I wound up sitting down. The nurse was embarrassed but dad took it all in good fun. It really did make our ride home a bit better.)

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