Fought The Customer With Expert Timing

| Omaha, NE, USA | Language & Words, Musical Mayhem

(I work in a medical clinic and I have a little fun with a patient one day when she complains her kids keep “kung fu-ing” her front door.)

Patient: “They just kept kung fu-ing the door and I kept telling them to stop.”

Me: “Oh, so, everybody was kung fu fighting?”

Patient: “Yes, and I told them to just swing at the air, not hit the door.”

Me: “Were they fast as lightning?”

Patient: “No, and it was scary, I thought they were gonna wreck my door.”

Me: “I bet it was a little bit frightening.”

Patient:“Yes, I thought they were gonna wreck my door!”

Me:“Hey, [Patient], c’mon, I just gave the first part of the song. Don’t leave me hangin’ here”.

Patient: “I know, but I don’t know the rest of the song!”

Can Finally Hear What You’re Saying

| UK | At The Checkout, Money

(I am a volunteer working for a charity which provides hearing support for the deaf community. We hold outreach clinics in various health centres, providing hearing aid batteries and general maintenance as well as advice. All our services are completely free of charge, and clinics are on a walk-in basis which means when we are busy patients have to wait for quite a while to be seen. This doesn’t always go down well. My next patient is an elderly lady who scowls at me and huffs angrily as she comes into the room.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

Lady: “My hearing aids are all muffled. I’ve been waiting for over an hour!”

Me: “Sorry about that, it’s busy today.”

Lady: “Well, it shouldn’t take an hour to be seen.”

Me: “Okay… Well, sorry, I’m on my own—”

Lady: “You’re always on your own. They never send more than one person.”

Me: “Er, yes, I’m the only one who covers this area—”

Lady: “They need to get more workers, then. This is ridiculous!”

Me: “Well, they only have the people that actually want to do the work—”

Lady: “They need to offer more pay or something. They obviously need more people!”

Me: *laughing* “Um, they don’t offer any pay, actually. We’re all volunteers.”

Lady: “Yes, well, but… you get expenses.”

Me: “I don’t get a penny, not even travel expenses. I walk here.”

Lady: “Well, if they don’t pay you anything why do you do it?”

Me: “I just like to spend my time helping people who need it. I don’t get paid, so the charity can keep doing these clinics for free. Now, did you want me to look at your hearing aids for you?”

Lady: *looking embarrassed* “Yes, please…”

(This happens fairly regularly, unfortunately.)

Medicareless

| Sydney, NSW, Australia | Crazy Requests

(I have called a patient to confirm an appointment she has with us the following day. Medicare is Australia’s free healthcare system and it entitles some people to receive discount health treatments if on a certain program.)

Me: “Hi, this is [My Name] from [Company]. I just wanted to confirm your nine am appointment with us tomorrow.”

Patient: “Oh, yes, that’s fine. Can you tell me what the cost will be?”

Me: “No problem. I see you’re a Medicare patient. If your [Program] has been renewed for this year, it will only be $6. Otherwise, if you haven’t, it will be $65.”

Patient: “Oh. Well, I don’t know if I have been renewed for that. I won’t come if I haven’t. Could you find out if I have been?”

Me: “I can’t find out directly ma’am, but your doctor will have told you if you have.”

Patient: “I have a letter from him. Would that help? Can you read it for me and tell me?”

Me: “Sure. Did you get the letter sent here or do you have it?”

Patient: “No, it’s in my hand. Can you read it?”

Me: “…Not over the phone. I would need to actually see the letter. You can read it over the phone if you’d like.”

Patient: “No, no, I don’t want to open it. Are you sure you can’t tell me what it says?”

Me: “No, ma’am. I can’t tell you what the letter says without seeing the letter.”

Patient: “…Oh. Are you sure?”

Me: “…Yes, ma’am.”

Patient: “Okay, then. I’ll just bring it tomorrow.” *hangs up*