Just A Spoonful Of Forcefulness Makes The Medicine Go Down

, , , , | Healthy | January 13, 2019

(I am seventeen years old and visiting a doctor with my dad concerning my severe anxiety problems. My dad has resisted taking me to see any therapy or psychiatry specialists for a long time, but has finally relented after realizing the issues I’ve been having aren’t just “hormones.” To my knowledge, this isn’t at a psychiatrist’s office, but a regular doctor — I think for insurance purposes. The first visit results in an anti-depressant medication for some reason. This first medication makes me less anxious but also causes me to sleep upwards of FIFTEEN HOURS a day, and I am incoherent and running into things, falling over, etc., within twenty minutes of taking it each day. I even have difficulty getting up out of a chair to walk the ten feet to my bed after taking it. I remember falling constantly and being hazy. The second visit results in a different medication that doesn’t have any noticeable effect, and also no real side effects, either. This third visit is the check-in to see how the [second medication] was working.)

Me: “I don’t know that these are working properly. I don’t feel anything different. I’m still anxious all the time.”

Doctor: “So. This medication isn’t working. Why are you depressed? Your mother — she loves you? Your father loves you? Think of happy things.”

Me: “Um. I’m not depressed. I have anxiety problems with insomnia and persistent heart palpitations.”

Doctor: “Okay, so, this medicine isn’t working. We’ll switch back to [first medicine]. [First medicine] worked.”

Me: “It… didn’t work, though. I wasn’t anxious because I was really sedated. I was sleeping almost the entire day and night.”

Doctor: “Yes. So, first medicine worked. Here’s a prescription.”

Me: “I’m not taking that again. It was awful.”

Doctor: “It worked. You will take [first medicine] again.”

Me: “No.”

(The doctor then ignores me completely and turns to my dad, instead.)

Doctor: *oddly firm and creepy* “The [first medicine] worked. She will take it.”

Dad: *pause* “Yeah, okay. Give me the script.”

(My dad took the script and we trashed it when we got to the car. It had gotten to the point where my dad was concerned the doctor was going to claim parental negligence and call CPS on him if he agreed with me! We never went back to that doctor again, and I’ve since had a lot of traditional therapy and am doing much better. Did I mention that doctor owned the pharmacy attached to his office? Shocker.)

No Meat In Your Diet Or In His Brain

, , , | Healthy | January 11, 2019

(I have a health plan provided by my employer. One of the benefits of the plan is a yearly health check. Once all is complete, I get a call from a “medical professional” to go over the results. I’m pretty healthy except for a bad cholesterol level. After talking on the phone about the rest of the results and my diet preferences, we get to my cholesterol.)

Medical Professional: “Based on the results from the blood sample, we have noticed that you have a very high bad cholesterol level.” *explains the difference between good and bad cholesterol* “…so we really do need to try and bring your bad cholesterol down. We can do this through medication and by controlling your diet. I would start with reducing the amount of red meat and dairy you consume.

Me: “I’m vegetarian, so I don’t eat meat, and I have an allergy to dairy.”

Medical Professional: “That’s good, very good. That’s a good start to reduce your meat intake, and the dairy, like cheese.”

Me: “Well, I’m vegetarian, so my meat intake is zero; I’ve been vegetarian for around twenty years. I’m also lactose intolerant and have an allergy which means I haven’t eaten cheese, milk, or any other dairy, like cream, in about ten years.”

Medical Professional: “Great, so that’s great. It’s settled; you will reduce your red meat and dairy.”

Me: “I haven’t eaten meat in twenty years, and I’ve been allergic to dairy for over ten years.”

Medical Professional: “So, you’ll reduce your meat and dairy? With your cholesterol being so high, I really do think you should consider some diet changes and reduce the intake of meat and dairy.”


Me: “Could you please help me to understand how to reduce meat and dairy when I haven’t eaten any meat in over twenty years and I haven’t eaten dairy in over ten?”

(After about two or three minutes of being on hold:)

Medical Professional: “I think you should arrange an appointment with your doctor to go over these results, as you aren’t listening my advice.”

(Two weeks later in the doctor’s office:)

Doctor: “You should reduce your intake of meat and dairy.”

Me: “I’m vegetarian; I haven’t eaten meat in twenty years and I have a dairy allergy.”

Doctor: “Well, in that case, let’s go through what other options are available for you.”

Me: “Perfect… Let’s do that.”

He’s Got A Bad Case Of The Clap

, , , , | Healthy Right | January 9, 2019

(My husband is the customer in this one. He’s at his appointment to check his numbers for high blood pressure to see if he would be okay on his current prescription or not. While it’s important to note that he doesn’t have a hearing problem, he does tend to not listen, and sometimes it can be rather amusing.)

Doctor: “Now, breathe deeply.”

Husband: *does so*

Doctor: “Cough.”

Husband: “Clap?”

Doctor: “Cough.”

Me: “She said, ‘cough,’ dear.”

Husband: “Clap?” *claps*

(All three of us started laughing. The doctor admitted it made her day. I’ve teased him since about putting this online.)

Their Time-Keeping Is Unhealthy

, , , , , | Right | January 9, 2019

(I work in an office that closes at five. The last patient of the day is a ninety-eight-year-old lady. Her appointment is at 4:15, though she should be in fifteen minutes early to fill out papers as she’s a new patient. There’s no sign of her by 4:25, and we’re about to start closing up shop when our phone operator comes over with the patient’s daughter on the line.)

Operator: “She says they’re stuck in heavy traffic and wants to know if you’ll still see them if they can get here in ten minutes.”

Doctor: “Well… it’s probably not easy to get her mom out of the house, so… if they can make it by 4:35, sure.”

(Five minutes pass and the operator comes back again.)

Operator: “She says it’s going to be more like 4:40.”

Doctor: “Yeah… she should probably reschedule, then. I just want to give her the full amount of time for her appointment, and we have staff that leaves at five.”

(Our operator relays the message to the patient’s daughter, who does not take it well. She is furious that the doctor asked her to reschedule even after she “gave the courtesy of calling” and repeatedly calls him “incompetent” and other names. She ends her tantrum by stating that she will find another doctor for her mother.)

Me: *to doctor* “Boy, I sure am sorry we let that one get away.”

Doctor: “Yep. Oh, darn.”

Health Care(less), Part 4

, , , , , , | Healthy | January 5, 2019

In the spring of 2000, I came down with a cold that lingered nearly two weeks, then got weird. I went to see the doctor and she ordered several tests to be done at the hospital next door to the office building.

It was there that I was told that one of the tests she wanted done — a pulse oximeter reading — required pre-approval from my insurance company, which would take about three days to go through the process.

When I told my doctor about that, she was furious. It was a fairly simple test, but her office did not have the necessary equipment. Once she had a break between patients, she marched over to the hospital and spoke to a friend who worked in the emergency department. She then brought my husband and me through the back hallways to her friend, who placed a clip that looked like a clothespin on my finger. In a couple of seconds, the nearby machine showed the necessary data and I was finished with the test in less than five minutes. I was never billed for it.

It turned out that I had pneumonia. I was sent home with the needed prescriptions and instructions. I was back to normal in a few days.

The next time I went to that doctor, she told me that the office had acquired their own equipment.

It’s now eighteen years later, and her office has several of them. I noticed this morning that you can buy one online for about the price of two fast-food hamburger dinners. And the insurance company had wanted three days before approving the procedure!

Health Care(less), Part 3
Health Care(less), Part 2
Health Care(less)

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