(It’s February and it is well known that I am going to be gone on vacation for a week. The patient in question is an older lady.)

Patient: *smiling* “It’ll be really nice when you’re gone!”

Me: *wondering what on earth I ever did to her!* “Uhm… okay?”

Patient: “You know, how it’ll be nice when you’re gone, then really cruddy when you come back!”

Me: “Oh, uh, sure. Okay.”

Patient: *getting flustered* “You know! The weather! It’s like that, nice when you’re gone then gets cold again when you come back!”

Me: *getting it* “Oh! Yes, probably.”

(The patient left red-faced and I laughed about it the whole time I was gone!)

(I call my local health clinic to make an appointment.)

Me: “Hello. My name is [My Name] and I would like to make an appointment with a gynecologist. I am on [type of birth control pill] and would like to discuss if there are any other options.”

Receptionist: “All right, I’ll make an appointment for Monday.”

Me: “Great, what time?”

Receptionist: “No, it’s not an actual appointment; I just make a note here to [Doctor] to renew your prescription.”

Me: “No, I’m sorry, perhaps I wasn’t clear. I don’t want to renew my current prescription. I am not happy with the pill I am on; I would like to discuss my options.”

Receptionist: “Oh. I see. Well, then I have an appointment for Wednesday next week.”

Me: “All right, that could work. What time is it?”

Receptionist: “No, it’s not a specific time; it’s a note to [Doctor] to call you during the day to talk to you before she renews your prescription.”

Me: “But I would like to discuss my options with her. If I can do that over the phone, I’m happy to, but I want to make sure I can have a discussion with her and get advice, not just a new prescription for the same type of birth control pill that makes me experience all these side effects.”

Receptionist: “Yes, whatever, your appointment is now for Wednesday next week.”

Me: “…and she will call me and we will be able to have an actual discussion?”

Receptionist: “Goodbye.”

(I called another clinic and got excellent service. When I called the first clinic to cancel my “appointment,” the receptionist was just as rude as before and practically hung up on me again. Never going back there!)

(I am the receptionist for a chiropractor’s office. A patient had just phoned in to book an appointment.)

Me: “Good Morning! Dr. [Name]’s office. How may I help you?”

Patient: “Hi, yes, I’d like to book an appointment for this morning?”

Me: “Sure thing. I have 10:00 am if that suits you?”

Patient: “Eeeeeh, I need something earlier.”

Me: “Well I also have 9:00 or 9:15.”

Patient: “That’s too soon. I need to stop at the bank and stuff first.”

Me: “Well… I might be able to get you in for 9:45.”

Patient: “I guess I’ll just try that. I might be a little later though.”

Me: “Well, I do still have that 10:00.”

Patient: “No! That’s too late!”

Me: “Okay…  We’ll see you then.”

(I’m in a walk-in clinic paying for a doctor’s note, when I overhear an exchange between a man and a nurse about why he’s at the clinic.)

Nurse: “So, is this something work related?”

Man: “No, it’s something stupidity related.”

(At least he was honest.)

(We have a patient known for saying random, off the wall things. I had just scheduled a follow up appointment for him.)

Me: “Okay, sir, the doctor would like you to have some bloodwork done two weeks prior to your next appointment.”

(I hand him the lab slip and the patient stares blankly at me for a moment.)

Patient: “What do they do with the leftover blood?”

Me: “Sorry?”

Patient: “What do they do with the blood that they don’t use?”

Me: “Um, I believe it’s discarded as they have no use for it…”

Patient: “Do you think they would give it to me?”

Me: “You want the leftover blood sample?”

Patient: “Yes. It’s MY blood.”

Me: “What would you do with it?”

Patient: “I don’t know, but I want it!”

Me: “Have a nice day, sir.”