Me: “Thank you for calling pediatrics, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, yeah, I saw my doctor today and she recommended I use lotrimin on my daughter’s yeast infection diaper rash but I’m at the store and the bottle says not to use on children under two except under the advice of a doctor. So I’m not sure what to do now…”

(A newborn baby is getting its first check up and gets the all clear.)

Nurse: “Any questions?”

Father: “Is it normal for the baby to pass wind?”

(A colleague of mine is known for her liking of trifle and always buys an expensive ready-made one. At my suggestion she decides to try homemade but, not being confident in the kitchen, first decides to try a box mix that contains everything in it, including a cream-type topping in a powder form that you mix with milk.)

Me: “Hey, how did the trifle making go last night?”

Colleague: “Well, I got the jelly and the custard part right, but couldn’t get the cream to work at all. It was so runny.”

Me: “Runny? How were you mixing it? It’s a really easy topping. Did you use a hand whisk or electric whisk?”

Colleague: “An electric whisk, as I thought that would be easier, but I whisked it for about 15 minutes and it still didn’t work.”

Me: “I can’t understand why it didn’t work then. Using an electric whisk should only take a minute, max. How about you go through the steps and let’s see if we can work it out.”

(By now several other colleagues are listening in:)

Colleague: “Well, I put the powder in a bowl, measured the milk and added it to the powder, and whisked. That’s all… Mind you, I wasn’t too sure of the amount of milk so I used almost two pints.”

Me: “Hang on a minute… How could you not be sure of the amount of milk? It tells you on the packet.”

Colleague: “Yes I know, but it said one to two pints and as I like the topping bit I decided to make the most I could, so used almost two pints.”

Me: “[Colleague], I think you’ve measured the milk wrong. It sounds too much but I can’t remember because I’ve not used a box mix for years.”

Colleague: “Well, it definitely said ‘One-stroke-two’ pints of milk.”

(At this point we all started laughing as we realise the packet must have said 1/2 pint (as in half a pint of milk) and she hadn’t known!)

(I need a new psychologist to treat several continuing issues. A nurse is conducting the standard intake interview.)

Nurse: “Have you ever been admitted to a psychiatric hospital?”

Me: *provides details*

Nurse: “Are you currently having any suicidal thoughts?”

Me: “No.”

Nurse: “Have you ever COMMITTED suicide?”

(I was struck speechless for a moment. Before I could think of a snappy comeback, she recovered and asked the question she meant to:)

Nurse: “Have you ever ATTEMPTED suicide?”

(We frequently get patients acting rudely and/or aggressively to the reception staff for various reasons such as the doctor running late, but the doctors never really believe it as the patient is all nice when they see the doctor. If a patient is rude or aggressive they receive a warning letter and if it happens a second time they are no longer allowed to be seen at this doctors’ office. On this day we have a young female doctor working with us for a few weeks before she returns to Ireland; she looks about 20 and is very small and petite. She is standing in reception when an agitated patient arrives:)

Patient: “I’ve got an appointment with [Young Doctor].”

Receptionist: “Can I take your name, please?”

(The patient gives his name and the receptionist realises his appointment was around 20 minutes earlier.)

Receptionist: “I’m sorry, [Patient], but you’re 20 minutes late for your appointment. I’ll have to ask [Young Doctor] if she will still see you.”

Patient: “You’ve got to be f****** kidding me. I’m only 20 minutes late! The doctors make me wait often enough! Just tell the f****** doctor that I’m here and I’m not leaving until I’ve seen her.”

(At this point the receptionist turns to the young doctor to ask her if she will still see the patient.  She addresses her by her forename but only manages to get her name out before the patient interrupts.)

Patient: “Oh, my god, you stupid cow! Stop gossiping and just go sort it out with the f****** doctor, will you!”

(The doctor leaves to go to the consulting room but quietly tells the receptionist to phone her, which she does. The doctor tells the receptionist she will see the patient and to send him in. After the consultation we found out it went something like this:)

Patient: *smiling* “All right, doc?”

Young Doctor: “[Patient], you were very rude when you were in reception.”

Patient: *starts blushing* “What? I apologised for being late but the receptionist shouted at me. She was the one being rude.”

(The young doctor realises the patient hadn’t recognised her, so repeated his conversation almost word for word. He still denied it all.)

Young Doctor: “[Patient], I was in reception when you arrived. I was the one [Receptionist] turned to when you called her a stupid cow. She was polite to you and didn’t turn you away for being past your appointment time. I will consult with you today but you owe both of us an apology and if we don’t get one I will make sure you receive a warning letter.”

(The patient stammered through an apology, had his consultation, and was reminded on leaving to apologise to the receptionist, which he did!)