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The Menopause Should Have Given You Pause

| Working | August 12, 2012

(My grandmother has macular degeneration and is partially blind as a result. I often call to schedule her doctor’s appointments for her since she has a hard time dialing the phone.)

Nurse: “Okay, now what is your grandmother’s date of birth?”

Me: “May 25, 1918.”

Nurse: “Alright, now is there any possibility that she’s pregnant?”

Me: “No.”

Nurse: “Are you absolutely sure that you’re grandmother is not pregnant?”

Me: “Well, since she went through menopause in the early 1970s, lost her husband in the late 1980s and just celebrated her 94th birthday, I can say with confidence that she is not pregnant.”

Nurse: *indignantly* “You never said she was in her 90s!”

It Was A Drive By Pooping

| Working | July 27, 2012

(I’ve just had general check up at the doctor’s office. I receive a bill and find some charges for procedures I haven’t had done. So, I call their billing department.)

Me: “Hi, there is a charge for procedure [number] that I don’t recognize.”

Employee: “Yes, that was for stool culture.”

Me: “I didn’t have such an analysis.”

Employee: “But it says that you have.”

Me: “I definitely haven’t… uh… brought you any specimens.”

Employee: “Oh, that was just a smear.”

Me: “I’m sure I didn’t have such tests done.”

Employee: “Oh, they do it so quick you probably didn’t even notice!”

Me: *speechless*

Marching Towards Old Age

| Related | May 1, 2012

(My mother is 100 years old, and she still lives on her own. I take her shopping and to her doctor’s appointments. She’s complaining about being a little unsteady on her feet lately.)

Doctor: “Well, you’re doing really well. But you should try using your cane or walker more.”

Mom: “Oh, I use my daughter to hold on to when I’m out. I don’t want to look like an old lady!”

Intrinsically Disadvantaged

| Right | December 30, 2011

(I work in a doctor’s office calling previous patients asking them to rate the quality of their visit. If they rate it “good” or below, I have to ask why and take down the reason. I have just gotten through most of the questions, when I ask the final one.)

Me: “…and would you rate our billing service as excellent, very good, good, fair, or poor?”

Patient: “Oh, good, I guess.”

Me: “Okay, and may I ask why you didn’t rate it excellent or very good?”

Patient: “It’s a BILL!”

Me: *laughing* “All right, I will make sure to make a note of that. Thank you very much and have a wonderful day!”

This Kid Wasn’t Born Yesterday

| Related | December 15, 2011

(I am checking in my young son).

Front desk: “And what is your son’s date of birth?”

(I want my son to say it so he can learn.)

Son: “The second…”

Front desk: “Of what month?”

Son: *proudly* “October!”

Front desk: “Do you know what year, hun?”

Son: *thinks* “Every year!”