With Spacey Nurses, Nobody Can Hear You Scream
(After a minor cold, I have completely lost my voice, so I head to the campus Health Center before a three-day weekend. I get a throat culture to determine the cause, and am told to have a relative call the next day for the test results.)
Mom: “Hi! I’m calling for [my name] for her test results. Are they in yet?”
Nurse: “What’s the student ID number?”
Mom: “It’s [ID number].”
Nurse: “Okay, looks like she came in because her voice is missing? Test results came back this morning.”
Mom: “Terrific! What was it?”
Nurse: “Can’t tell you that.”
Mom: “You can’t? Why not?”
Nurse: “I can only give test results to the student. I need her permission to tell you.”
Mom: “I’m sorry; I thought the doctor said family members could call. I’m her mom and—”
Nurse: “I need her permission.”
Mom: “Okay, well I don’t know how you’re going to get it. She’s not at school; she’s here at home.”
Nurse: “Just put her on the phone and she can tell me it’s fine.”
Mom: “Um no, she can’t. She needs the test results because her VOICE IS MISSING.”
Nurse: “Just put her on the phone.”
Mom: “HER VOICE IS GONE. She CAN’T talk to you. Why can’t you just tell me?”
Nurse: “You could be anyone. I don’t know if you’re really her mom.”
Mom: “So some random lady found her ID number, and is using it to call for her TEST RESULTS?”
Nurse: “Exactly. We need proof.”
Mom: “You’ve got to be kidding me. You know what? Here she is.”
(She passes the phone to me. I scream as loud as I can that my mother has permission, but all that comes out is a strangled sounding breath. My mom takes the phone back.)
Nurse: “What the h*** was THAT?!”
Mom: “That was my daughter, attempting to give you permission even though her voice is missing. That work for you?”
Nurse: “FINE. The test was negative for Strep throat.”
Mom: “…That’s it? That’s all you tested for?”
Nurse: “Yes.”
Mom: “SERIOUSLY? THAT’S what you couldn’t tell me?!”
Nurse: “Yes. Tell her to get better.” *click*
(Thankfully, my voice came back a few days later. My mom fumed for the whole weekend, and we never did find out what caused it!)