(My husband is generally helpless and strongly opposed to going to the doctor. He develops an illness that is only getting worse, and I finally convince him to see my doctor, but he begs me to help him make the appointment because “he knows nothing about these things.” I’m on the phone with the receptionist.)

Me: “Hello. Is [Doctor] accepting new patients?”

Receptionist: “Yes, he is. What’s the patient’s name and date of birth?”

Me: *provides info*

Receptionist: “I’m sorry, since the patient in question is over 18, I need to speak to him.”

Me: “Are you sure? I’m his wife, and he specifically asked me to do this for him.”

Receptionist: “I’m sorry, ma’am. It’s against our privacy policy for me to speak with you.”

Me: “Okay…” *hands phone to husband*

(Husband and receptionist speak for a while. For every question, my husband is asking me for the answer, including his phone number and a description of his illness. Eventually, he offers me the phone again.)

Husband: “She wants to talk to you again.”

(I take the phone back and greet the receptionist.)

Receptionist: “You married that guy? Are you sure he’s over 18?”

Me: “Perfectly sure.”

(The rest of the call went smoothly and my husband got the appointment he needed.)

(I have a rather nasty allergy to the hand sanitizer Purell. Essentially, it causes me to break out in hives if I touch it or anyone who has used it touches me after using it. This day I’m in the lab getting blood drawn.)

Nurse: “Okay, so we just have to draw blood for [tests] today right?”

Me: “Yes.” *I’m watching as she puts Purell on her hands and moves to touch me*

Me: “Excuse me, please put gloves on. I’m allergic to Purell and cannot be touched with it.”

Nurse: “It’s just alcohol; you possibly can’t be allergic to alcohol!”

Me: “It’s in my chart and if you had read it, you would know that.”

Nurse: “No one can be allergic to it. It’s just alcohol.”

Me: “Look, I don’t know all of what’s in it, but there is something I am allergic to and I can and DO break out in hives if you don’t put on gloves. Now, do I need to report you to management because you refuse to listen to a patient and ignore a chart?”

Nurse: *mumbling as she puts gloves on* “No one is allergic to that.”

Me: “You know what? We’re done here. You obviously are not listening to the patient. I will go to another lab where they actually listen. Forget it.”

(I picked up my stuff and left. Worst part? Even though it is ALL over my chart and they can see it, I STILL have to remind every single person I talk to at these clinics to NOT touch me after using it or tell them to wash their hands properly.)

(I’m having very specific pain in my lower left abdomen and feeling very sick along with it. I miss class on Monday and come in the same day to see they are no longer taking patients, so I come back on Tuesday. This is after the nurse has checked me in and taken all my vitals and I’m finally seeing the doctor.)

Doctor: “What brings you in today?”

Me: “Well, I’ve got a pain right here that I’ve had for a while on and off. But, the last couple of days, it’s been feeling worse and I’ve been feeling very nauseous. It got so bad that I had to miss class yesterday because I didn’t feel like I could make it through four and a half hours without vomiting.”

Doctor: “Oh, are you here for a doctor’s note?”

Me: “Well,partially but I’m still feeling very sick and I want to know what this pain is.”

Doctor: “Is there any possibility that you’re pregnant?”

Me: “No.”

Doctor: “When was your last period?”

Me: “Thursday… no, Friday, two weeks ago.”

Doctor: “Well, we’re not outfitted here to really check any abdominal pain. You’d have to go to the hospital for some sort of blood work or ultrasound.”

Me: “Oh, well, I—”

Doctor: “I mean I could feel around on your stomach but it’s not going to give you a diagnosis.”

Me: “Yeah but is there anything it could possibly be?”

Doctor: “It could be something tubal.”

(I have no clue what she means by this so I just carry on asking about other things)

Me: Could it be an ulcer? I get heartburn like every day and really intensely?

Doctor: “No, that’s really low for an ulcer. Like I was saying, it could be a tubal pregnancy.”

(I gave her a look of pure exasperation because I’d already told her enough to rule that out.)

Me: “No, it’s not that. Because it’s BEEN a WHILE. And I’ve been getting regular periods ever since.”

Doctor: “Oh, well, it could be kidney stones but you usually feel that more on your back, I can’t do much for you here. [Hospital] has an urgent care unit, if you’d like to go there.”

(At this point, I’m sweaty, frustrated and feeling even sicker than when I came in and just want to get out of there but I realize she’s forgotten the doctor’s note.)

Me: “Uhh, could I have that doctor’s note?”

Doctor: “Oh, umm, yeah, hold on.” *walks out of room and says to nurse* “I sent her on to urgent care but she still wants a doctor’s note.” *writes out note* “Here you go.”

Me: “Thanks…”

(She wrote the note to excuse me for Wednesday, despite me telling her I missed classed Monday but I didn’t catch it until I got home. I went to a different doctor and got diagnosed with diverticulitis, which has the EXACT symptoms I was complaining about to the other doctor!)

(I’m on a First Aid refresher course. It’s a light-hearted session and we’re all pretty comfortable joking around.)

First Aider: “What’s the first thing you do if a child is choking?”

Me: “Remove your hands from around their throat.”

(We’d been getting some scam-calls from a company that claims to be our copier repairmen, but as I know that our copier repairman speaks with a heavy accent, I can screen them out easily and avoid wasting time. Then one day:)

Caller: “Hi, this is Steve, the repair guy for your copier. Could you read me the model number off the back of the machine?”

Me: “I’m sorry, which company did you say you were with?”

Caller: “F*** you, c***!”

Me: “EXCUSE ME?!”

Caller: “You heard me, you c***!” *continues verbal abuse as I hang up*

(I tell my coworker what happened. She calms me down, saying the same thing had happened to her once. Then, a few hours later:)

Caller #2: “Hi, this is Josh calling about the copier. Could you tell me the model number? It should be on the back or the side.”

Me: “Actually, I think I spoke to one of your coworkers earlier, and he swore at me when I asked which company he worked for. I think you’d better take us off your list.”

Caller #2: “Really?”

Me: “Really. Which company are you calling from?”

Caller #2: *hangs up*