(A patient comes in for a follow-up. I check their insurance card for charges.)

Me: “It seems that you have a $25 charge. You can pay that in cash, check, or credit card.”

Patient: “I don’t have charges anymore.”

Me: “Oh, did you get a new insurance company?”

Patient: “No, I just don’t have charges anymore.”

Me: “Do you have a new card that reflects that change? If not, I’m required to collect your charge. Then, if it turns out you don’t have one, we will refund it to you.”

Patient: “No, I don’t have a new card. But President Obama says I don’t have to pay.”

Me: “The president told you that you don’t have to pay?”

Patient: “Yeah. He says that Americans get healthcare for free now.”

Me: “Oh, I understand now. However, I think you’ve misunderstood. The Healthcare Bill doesn’t eliminate charges except for preventative, and doesn’t make healthcare free. It just restructures some health insurance policy and such. And it hasn’t gone into effect yet. So, you still have a charge.”

(She reluctantly pays her charge.)

Patient: “Expect to hear from President Obama about this. And don’t expect any sympathy either when he gives you the chair.”

Customer: “I need to get an appointment for my son right away!”

Me: “Okay, has he seen the doctor before?”

Customer: “No. He had an appointment but he missed it.”

(I get the patient’s name and check him in the computer. He missed a consult appointment on 8/10 and didn’t call to cancel. He simply didn’t show up. It is now 9/27.)

Me: “Okay, our next available appointment is October 22nd.”

Customer: “That’s not soon enough! Don’t you have anything sooner?”

Me: “That’s our next available routine appointment. If you want to have his primary care physician call and speak with our doctor, we may be able to move it up, but right now I can’t put him in our emergency slots.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “It’s our policy not to give out emergency slots to patients who have previously no-showed appointments.”

Customer: “What if it’s an emergency?”

Me: “Given that his original appointment that you missed was six weeks ago, I find that unlikely.”

Customer: “He’s got hormones in his brain!”

*long awkward silence*

Me: “He’s a teenage boy, right?”

Customer: “It’s an emergency!”

(I am drawing blood from donors at a blood drive.)

Donor: “I’ve never seen you here before.”

Me: “Well, yes, I am relatively new, but I’ve been involved with [Blood Bank] for a long time.”

Donor: “So, are you like a volunteer or something?”

Me: “No, I am an employee. I had to undergo several weeks of training for this.”

Donor: “But you look too young to be an employee!”

Me: “I assure you, I am a full employee.”

Donor: “But you’re only like fourteen!”

Me: “Actually, sir, I’m twenty, almost twenty-one.”

Donor: “No way!”

Me: “Let me put it this way. Would you really want a fourteen-year-old volunteer removing a fourteen-gauge needle from your arm and handling your blood?”

Donor: “Good point. Carry on.”

This story is part of our Blood Donation roundup!

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(I work the front desk at a doctor’s office, and one of the doctors fancies himself a musician. We give out a free copy of his CD when patients check-in.)

Patient: “What is this?”

Me: “Dr. [Name] is a musician and he recorded an album. We’re giving it as a free gift to our patients.”

Patient: “It’s free?”

Me: “Yes, sir!”

Patient: “But there’s a price on the back. It says $5.99.”

Me: “That’s because it is also sold in a few local music stores. But we’re giving it free to patients as a thank you gift.”

Patient: “What are you thanking me for?”

Me: “For being a loyal patient?”

Patient: “And all patients get them?”

Me: “Yes. all patients.”

(The patient looks around the room at the other two patients.)

Patient: “They don’t have CDs!”

Me: “They haven’t checked in yet. When they do, I’ll give them a CD.”

(The patient sits down but comes back up while I’m helping the next patient. I haven’t given her the CD yet.)

Patient: *to other patient* “Did you get a free CD?”

Other Patient: “Uh… no.”

Patient: *to me* “Look, I don’t mean to be rude, but you clearly gave this to me because you have feelings for me, and I’m just not interested. I think it’s really inappropriate for you to come on to me when I’m here to see the doctor, and you’ve made me very uncomfortable. Please cancel my appointment.”

(I should mention that this guy was clearly out of my age range. That, and I work for a proctologist.)

Me: “Thanks for calling [Clinic]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I got this herbal colon cleanser from you. Does it have pork in it? I don’t eat pork, so I can’t have it if it has pork.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I’m not sure, but since it is an herbal supplement I would assume it has no pork. If you are really concerned, you can call the number on the bottle and ask them. I’m looking at the bottle and it says 100% vegan.”

Customer: “Well, I can’t call the company. I’m sick! I’m so sick, I can’t use a phone!”

Me: “Well, it says vegan on the bottle, but I can call the company myself if you want.”

Customer: “Well, DO IT! I’m a sick lady, and I don’t do pork!”

(I call the company and find out the supplement has no pork. I call the customer back.)

Me: “Okay, ma’am. There are no pork or animal products in this supplement.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t really care! I’m too sick to care! I can’t poop!” *hangs up*