There was a patient in our clinic who kept scheduling and rescheduling an elective surgery. He wanted to schedule it on a day that was already full. He was informed that due to having cancelled or no-showed his surgery four times, he would get lower priority in scheduling. He then called the clinic and threatened to shoot the doctor and the pregnant scheduler.

For some dumb reason, the police weren’t called. [Patient] disappeared, though, and we didn’t think we would hear from him again because he was fired as a patient.

About a year later, [Patient] tried to schedule surgery again but was reminded that, due to threatening to murder the staff, he had been fired from the clinic.

[Patient] filed a complaint with the hospital and medical board stating that he’d been abandoned as a patient. Our doctor explained the situation to those involved, stating that [Patient] had threatened to murder the scheduler and doctor. The medical board and hospital’s response?

Response: “Can you please schedule his surgery? He said he was sorry.”

We decided to call the police at that point. [Patient] will never be coming back to our clinic as he is currently in prison.

This is what happens when you are so entitled that you threaten to murder someone.

In 1979, I got a call one afternoon at my accounting office from a medical clinic thirty miles west of me.

Clerk #1: “We need a payment on your bill. It is ninety days past due and will be turned over to collections soon if you don’t make a payment.”

Me: “Who was treated at your clinic?”

Clerk #1: “Your wife had an appointment with our OBGYN.”

Me: “And when was this appointment?”

Clerk #1: “In February.”

Me: “Well, that is not my responsibility.”

Clerk #1: “Your wife gave us your name as the responsible party.”

Me: “Well, you see, our divorce was final last December, and I don’t believe I am responsible.”

Clerk #1: “You will need to send us a copy of your divorce decree to clear this up.”

And I complied.

In May, I got a call from a clothing store in a town about fifty miles southwest of me.

Clerk #2: “Sir, you must make a payment on your account.”

Me: “Who are you?”

Clerk #2: “We are [Women’s Clothing Store], and you have an account that is gravely past due.”

Me: “Where are you located?”

Clerk #2: “[Town].”

Me: “And when were these clothes put on my account?”

Clerk #2: “Your wife charged over $500 in clothes in March and listed you, her husband, as the responsible person.”

Me: “Well, gee! I don’t think that is the case since we were divorced last December.”

Clerk #2: “You will need to send us a copy of your divorce decree.”

Me: “Not going to happen. This is not the first time she has done this. It is not my fault you did not check with me before you set this up and let her leave with the clothes. If you want a copy of my divorce, then you call the clerk of the district court in my county and pay for your own copy. That is your responsibility, not mine.”

I start a new relationship and almost immediately start coming down with urinary tract infections (UTIs). For those of you unaware, these can be incredibly painful and often make you feel like you can’t get off the loo, so you want them treated quickly and avoid them as much as possible.

It becomes apparent over the next few months that this is not a one-off. It’s a long-distance relationship, and my partner and I work out that if we are apart for more than a month, as soon as we have sex, I get a UTI. We improve our hygiene and do what we can, but they keep occurring at a faster rate and getting more serious.

I go to my general practitioner every time, but as I get an infection every few months, to them it doesn’t look like a problem. (“Recurring” is classed at roughly more than three in six months, but as my partner and I normally meet up every three to six months, I only get one or two in that timeframe.) I keep trying to explain the link between my long-distance relationship, my boyfriend arriving, and getting infections. They give me a half-hearted response and send me on my way. This cycle repeats for four years.

When I start peeing blood, I’ve had enough. This time when I go for the antibiotics (in quite bad pain), I sit there with a chart explaining the flights and the infections. I talk through everything we’ve been doing to avoid UTIs.

Doctor: “Some women are just prone to UTIs, unfortunately.”

Me: “In the three serious relationships I’ve had, this is the only one where this problem has occurred; I have never needed treatment for a UTI before this. There is something about my boyfriend I don’t seem to get immunity from, or if I do, I quickly lose it.” *Starting to cry* “Please. I am begging you for anything you can do. I can’t go through this for the rest of my life, risking a kidney infection each time this happens. The problem is only likely to get worse when we finally get together full-time; I might be able to keep any immunity gained, but it’s not a given it will happen.”

The doctor finally put two and two together with the colour-coded chart my partner and I had made, and luckily, we’d been able to spend more time together, so the last three infections made this a recurring problem.

The doctor put me on an E. coli vaccine, which takes around nine months to complete. I’m only on month three, but since my boyfriend and I have moved in together (and this is after a gap, so we would expect an infection to occur) there have been no new infections.

Thank God a doctor finally listened to me and, while I may have bullied her into accepting that there was a problem, she finally accepted that there was one.

I work in an orthopedic office, which means we see a lot of broken arms and legs and injured shoulders and backs. A patient hobbles up to my checkout desk with her partner.

Me: “Checking out?”

Patient: “Yes.” 

She sits down heavily, adjusting the orthopedic boot on her foot. Glancing at her notes, I see that her foot is fractured. Her partner is making jokes, and she’s bearing it with good nature, but he goes just a bit too far.

Partner: “Shame you didn’t break both feet; then, you could have matching boots.”

Patient: “And I could give you a black eye! How about that?!”

Me: “We don’t treat those here, by the way, so choose wisely.”

He kept his mouth shut until she was done checking out… but he started up again as they were leaving! Some people just never learn.

I was sitting on the sofa watching something stupid when my phone rang. It should be noted that I have a very male voice and a very male name.

Me: “Hello, [My Name] speaking.”

Caller: “Hello. I am [Caller] calling you from [Clinic I haven’t heard of] to inform you that you didn’t show up at your appointed time today.”

Me: “Oh, sorry! I… didn’t know I had one. I must’ve forgotten. From where are you calling?”

Caller: “I am calling from the Gynecological Clinic of [Town more than 1,000 kilometers (620 miles) away]. We will, of course, charge you for this, the full 150 kronor (15 dollars).”

Me: “Well, that is fai— Wait, did you say ‘gynecological clinic’?”

Caller: “Yes, you had a scheduled ultrasound today. As I said, we will—” 

Me: “Woah, stop now. I know that I have made no such appointment.”

Caller: “The appointment is registered to this cell phone number. Now, the bill will—”

Me: “Stop! Look, I have no such appointment. I have never made one. It should be obvious why.”

Caller: “As I said, the appointment is registered—”

Me: “I must give you credit for being so incredibly non-prejudiced toward people with male-sounding names and voices, but I can assure you that you have the wrong person here.”

Caller: *Louder and slower* “Your cell phone number — this number — is registered to this appointment. Your bill—”

Me: “Please listen. You have the wrong person. I have no need for such an appointment.”

Caller: “But we will send the bill to you, as the appointment—”

Me: “I DON’T HAVE A WOMB.”

Caller: *Very short pause* “Oh. Why didn’t you say so? Your bill will be voided. Goodbye! *Click*

The strangest part is that you don’t register appointments with phone numbers in Sweden. You register them with state-given, unique personal identifying numbers. They had the correct phone number and address all along.

Related:
You Got The Wrongest Number, Part 10
You Got The Wrongest Number, Part 9
You Got The Wrongest Number, Part 8
You Got The Wrongest Number, Part 7
The Wrongest Number Got You