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A Beer A Day Keeps The Doctor Away To Gossip About You

| Rocklin, CA, USA | Food & Drink

(I’m sitting next to my coworker, who is calling patients to discuss preparation instructions for the colonoscopies we do in the office — there are certain things the patients need to abstain from before their procedure. My coworker finishes a call, turns to me, and starts laughing.)

Coworker: “So, I told this guy that he needed to avoid alcohol five days prior to his procedure, and he says, ‘but I have a beer every morning — can I still have that?’ ”

Me: “A beer every MORNING? If that’s how he starts his day, how does he end it?!”

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Very Butt-Hurt

| The Netherlands | Bizarre, Popular

(I am a female physical therapist and have four other colleagues. Three of them are on vacation and I’m going on a vacation on Friday (it’s Monday). We’ve had a lot of new patients calling in for appointments and since we are low on staff, we’re fully booked until at least the end of the week. Today I’m on my own and the phone has been ringing quite a few times, which I let go to voicemail if I’m treating a patient.)

Voicemail: “Hi, it’s [Patient]; I have been calling but no one is answering. I want to make an appointment.”

(I call him back:)

Me: “Good morning, I’m [My Name] from [Practice]. I’m calling because you left a voicemail this morning.”

Patient: “Yeah, hi, I called but no one answered the phone. You see, this morning I sprained a muscle in my a** and it hurts a lot so I need an appointment around 18:00.”

Me: “I’m sorry for not answering the phone but I’m currently alone and I was unable to get to the phone. And I’m unable to get you an appointment today. It’s very busy now and we are completely booked until the end of the week.”

Patient: “Oh, yeah. Well, my butt is hurting pretty badly so I was hoping you could massage it today.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I really don’t have any time to help you today. The first place I have available is Monday.”

Patient: “No, that won’t do. Then I’ll call [Other Therapist] in [Other City]. Do you know him? He’s from there and he’s also pretty good.”

Me: “No, I’ve never heard of him, but I understand your decision and wish you feel better soon.”

Patient: “Ah, yeah, thanks.” *hangs up*

(The next day I get in late and have a lot to do. When I’m treating a patient, the phone keeps ringing. After a while I’m able to check the voicemail.)

Voicemail: *it’s patient from the previous day* “Hi, it’s me; can you call me back? No one is picking up the phone.”

(I call him back:)

Me: “Good morning, it’s [My Name] from [Practice]. I’m calling because you left a voicemail this morning.”

Patient: “Hi! I told you yesterday that I would be going to [Other Therapist]. Well, he treated me very well with a gel and a massage and it worked. He said that my butt had an agitated muscle. I still feel it a little bit but that’s fine. But I wondered if you have some time to treat me today?”

Me: “But didn’t you just tell me that you feel a lot better?”

Patient: “Yes, it really does but I was just thinking that maybe you could treat me as well.”

Me: “I’m sorry but like I told you yesterday, I really don’t have any time this week. We’re completely booked.”

Patient: “Ah, well, I don’t really need it anyway. I’m in Amsterdam right now; have you ever been at [Place]?”

Me: “Eh… no, I haven’t.”

Patient: “You should really go there. I think you would really like it!”

Me: “So, is there anything I can help you with otherwise?”

Patient: “No, not really. I’ll call in if I want to have treatment again.”

Me: “Ok, sir, we’ll hear from you again. Have a good day.”

Patient: “Yeah, you too. And don’t forget to check out [Place]!”

Me: *hanging up confused*

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Appointment Disappointment, Part 2

| Albuquerque, NM, USA | Health & Body, Time

(I overhear a coworker at reception.)

Coworker: “I’m sorry, but your appointment seems to be for next week and we are booked fully today. I can see about getting your appointment moved up to tomorrow if that is okay.”

Patient: “No, you aren’t sorry! It’s a long walk to this desk! I know you will be laughing about me later! You will be old, too, some day!”

Related:
Appointment Disappointment

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Inject Some Common Sense Next Time

| Rocklin, CA, USA | Extra Stupid, Health & Body, Popular, Time

(In the large multi-specialty clinic where I work, our endocrinologist sometimes orders a complex test that involves getting blood drawn at our lab downstairs, getting an injection in our clinic immediately afterwards, and then getting blood drawn again right after to see how the body reacted to the injection. The timing has to be very precise and this is all explained to the patient beforehand. My coworker sees that a patient has checked in for her injection up at the front desk, so she prepares the injection and goes to call the patient back — but the patient is nowhere to be found.)

Coworker: *to the receptionist* “Did you see where [Patient] went?”

Receptionist: “No, she just… disappeared.”

(My coworker returns to the back office and waits to see if the patient shows up. After 20 minutes with no sign of her, she calls the patient. I can’t hear their conversation, but as my coworker is speaking, she facepalms dramatically and rolls her eyes at me. When she hangs up…)

Coworker: “So, I asked her where she went, and she said, ‘Oh, I had some things to do, and I’d been waiting a while, so I went home.'”

Me: “But she’d only been waiting like 10 minutes! And she already got the first blood draw done!”

Coworker: “I know! And now this injection is wasted. I told her her insurance would probably make her pay for it, and she just laughed it off and said she didn’t think so. Bet she won’t be laughing when she sees her bill.”

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Out Of State, Out Of Mind, Part 3

| CA, USA | Bad Behavior, Health & Body, Popular, Transportation

(The clinic where I work performs DMV physicals to certify that truck drivers are physically fit for their job. All the doctors do them, but if a patient drives out of state, they must be certified by the one doctor who performs out-of-state physicals. A driver comes in on a day when the out-of-state doctor is not working.)

Receptionist: “Hi, what can we do for you today?”

Driver: “I need a physical.” *throws DMV paperwork on counter*

Receptionist: “Sure. Have we seen you here before?”

Driver: “No.”

Receptionist: “Then I’ll just need you to fill out our registration form here, please…”

Driver: “What? For a physical? I’m not doing that.”

Receptionist: “Sorry, but every patient has to.”

Driver: “Ugh! I can’t believe you’re making me do this.” *takes clipboard and stomps over to a seat*

(As the receptionist is setting up the driver’s appointment, she asks:)

Receptionist: “[Name], do you drive out of state at all?” *we always call our patients by their first name*

Driver: “My NAME is Ms. [Last Name]!”

Receptionist: “I’m sorry. Ms. [Last Name], do you drive out of state at all?”

Driver: “No! Only in California.”

Receptionist: “Okay, thanks.” *she finishes registering the driver, and asks again* “Now you’re SURE you don’t drive out of state, right?”

Driver: “No! Like I said!”

(Soon the back office MA calls her up. She grumps through the entire physical, complains about the receptionist’s “rudeness”, and leaves in a snit. A few days later, we get a call…)

Driver: “The DMV rejected my physical! I went all the way down there and they rejected it because I drive outside California sometimes! This is your fault!”

Receptionist: “Ma’am, that’s why the receptionist asked you REPEATEDLY if you drive out of state.”

Driver: “Well… I thought she was just being a nosy b****!”

(The driver had to wait a week and come back to our clinic when the out-of-state certifying doctor was working. She seemed slightly embarrassed on her return visit!)

Related:

Out Of State, Out Of Mind, Part 2

Out Of State, Out Of Mind

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