What The Beep Did You Think We Were Doing?

| Australia | Extra Stupid, Health & Body

(I’m an audiologist in a hearing aid clinic. Testing the hearing of fully grown, competent adults is a large part of my job. I have this conversation at least once a week.)

Me: “Okay, so we’re going to do the hearing test now. I’m going to put these headphones on–” *holds up headphones* “–and I want to you press this button–” *hands client the button and mimes pressing it* “–when you hear a beep, okay?”

Client: “Okay, so press the button when I hear it?”

Me: “Yes, when you hear it.”

Client: “Okay.”

(I then sit down at my computer and present a beep through the headphones at a reasonable volume. No response. I go a bit louder, the client just sits there. I check my equipment and present again. Nothing. I try the other ear, nothing. Finally, I go back to the client.)

Me: “Were there any beeps there?”

Client: *with pride* “Oh, yes, I heard all of those!”

Me: “Ok… so, when you hear it… press the button.”

Client: “Oh! Have we started?”

Now You’re Really Pushing It

| SC, USA | SC, USA | Health & Body

(I’m a physical therapist assistant and am finishing up my last clinical rotation. I’m treating a patient with a shoulder repair that follows the same protocols as a rotator cuff repair. He’s recently progressed to active assistive range of motion but per doctor’s orders is not allowed to take off his sling nor allowed to do active range of motion. This particular treatment session he reports that he is in a lot of pain, so I go through the usual questions to figure out what’s up.)

Me: “Have you done anything new?”

Patient: “No, I’ve been doing my usual routine.”

Me: “Have you been following the home exercise plan the way we taught you to?”

Patient: “Yes. I do my arm swings and my push-ups.”

Me: “PUSH-UPS?! [Instructor], could you come over and listen to this. [Patient], could you repeat what you said?”

Patient: “Yep. I’ve been doing my arm swings and push-ups everyday.”

Clinical Instructor: “What?! Do you mean your step-backs?”

Patient: “Well, yeah. But when I come back up I do a push-up. It’s only from the table.”

Clinical Instructor: “When have we ever told you to do push-ups? What made you think to do that?!”

Patient: “It just felt like the right thing to do.”

(I also found out the patient had been doing active range of motion at home, standing up, because his reasoning was that it would speed up the healing process. Thankfully it didn’t seem like there was any permanent damage or re-tears from this. We corrected him and he (hopefully) knew better than to do any of that.)

O… B… G… Y… N

| Health & Body

(While waiting at a busy ObGyn office for a pelvic exam a middle aged man enters and approaches the receptionist.)

Man: “I have a one pm appointment.”

Receptionist: “I’m sorry; you have an appointment for yourself?”

Man: “Yes! One pm with Dr. [Name].”

Receptionist: “Sir… are you sure you have the right place?”

Man: “Why?”

Receptionist: *gestures around office and the guy suddenly seems to realize he is surrounded by women* “We are an ObGyn; we only have female patients and we do not have a Dr. [Name].”

Man: “This isn’t [Optometrist]?”

Receptionist: “No, they are located next door.”

Man: *leaves*

Receptionist: “He REALLY needs some new glasses.”

This Spells Trouble

| USA | Funny Names, Language & Words

(This story happened a few decades ago, before different spellings became more common. My father only had a few names he was unsure of the spelling, one of those names being Elise (Elyse, Aleece, etc.).)

Customer: *finishing conversation* “And this is for Elise, [Last Name].”

My Dad: “All right, and how do you spell that?”

Customer: *huffing loudly* “The right way, of course!”

My Dad: “Well, to be sure I’ve got it right; can you spell it for me?”

Customer: “Argh! A-L-I-C-E, of course!” *hangs up*

A Beer A Day Keeps The Doctor Away To Gossip About You

| Rocklin, CA, USA | Food & Drink

(I’m sitting next to my coworker, who is calling patients to discuss preparation instructions for the colonoscopies we do in the office — there are certain things the patients need to abstain from before their procedure. My coworker finishes a call, turns to me, and starts laughing.)

Coworker: “So, I told this guy that he needed to avoid alcohol five days prior to his procedure, and he says, ‘but I have a beer every morning — can I still have that?’ ”

Me: “A beer every MORNING? If that’s how he starts his day, how does he end it?!”

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