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There’s No Substitute For Brains, Either

, , , , , | Right | August 5, 2009

Customer: “Do you have a pill I can take instead of drinking water?”

Me: “Um, what do you mean?”

Customer: “When I’m at work and I drink water, I have to pee so much! I know there’s got to be a pill I can take instead.”

Me: “There’s really no substitute for drinking water.”

Customer: “No! I know there has to be some kind of pill you can take instead of drinking.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but there’s not.”

Customer: “There has to be something. Never mind, I’ll try to find it myself!” *wanders over to the vitamin aisles in search of water pills*


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When You’re Always Right, The Earth Revolves Around You

, , , , | Right | July 29, 2009

(While working at the drive-thru window early one morning, a woman starts talking to me as I am waiting on her food.)

Customer: “Can you name seven planets?”

Me: “Uh… I can name nine if you want to include Pluto…” *names the planets*

Customer: “What about the sun?”

Me: “The sun is a star.”

Customer: “Oh. What about the moon?”

Me: “The moon is our natural satellite…”

Customer: “Huh. But it doesn’t move.”

Me: “The moon revolves around the Earth.”

Customer: “But the moon doesn’t move. I can see it right now.”

Me: *hands her her food* “Okay, ma’am… have a nice day.”

Looking Forward To Backward Logic

, , , , | Right | July 29, 2009

Customer: “I’m here to return this shirt. I’m not satisfied with it.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. Could you explain what’s wrong with it?”

Customer: “The writing on it is all backward.”

(She pulls the shirt from her bag, but the lettering looks fine.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m looking at it right now, and this shirt is definitely not backward.”

Customer: “No, I went home and tried it on, and it was backward!”

Me: “Were you looking in a mirror?”

Customer: “Yes, but it should still read from right to left!”

The Outer Limits Of Entertainment

, , , , | Right | July 21, 2009

Customer: “Two for ‘Ice Age’, please.”

Me: “No problem. Did you want the 3-D showing at 2:15, or the regular, 2-D showing at 2:50?”

Customer: “What’s the difference?”

Me: “…thirty-five minutes, and a dimension.”

Full Of Hot Air

, , , | Right | July 14, 2009

(Propane can only be stored in tanks up to 80% capacity. This is because when the tank gets warm, the gas expands a little. Thus, we leave a 20% buffer.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like to lodge a complaint. Your driver keeps cheating me on gas.”

Me: “Oh? How so?”

Customer: “Well, he only fills it to 80%.”

Me: “Oh, we only fill it to 80% to allow it to expand on hot days.”

Customer: “That’s bull-s***! I want a full tank of gas.”

Me: “We can’t do that, ma’am. If we fill it to 100%, the gas has nowhere to go when it expands. Your tank might rupture.”

Customer: “You’re lying. I want my 100%! In fact, since you keep screwing me over, I want a 120% filled in that tank!”

Me: “Ma’am, it is physically impossible to fill something 120% of capacity. We’d blow up your tank.”

Customer: “Then tell your driver to leave the extra 20% in a bucket beside the house!”