Get It Right Next Dime

, , , , , , | Right | July 10, 2018

(My friends and I go to a mall to celebrate my birthday. I decide to buy a lotion.)

Clerk: “Your total is $5.36.”

Me: *gives a five-dollar bill* “Here is a five, and I’ll get out some coins.” *gives a quarter* “Here you go.”

(The clerk just stares at me.)

Clerk: “Its $5.36, not $5.25.”

Me: *gives a dime* “Whoops! Sorry.”

(The clerk continues to stare at me more intensely.)

Me: “Oh! I need to give you a penny. I can’t math; it’s a Friday.”

Here’s My Two Cents… Plus Twenty-Seven More

, , , , | Right | July 6, 2018

(I work in a fabric store. I’m working at the cutting counter when my coworker calls for a price check. Since we’re not busy, I head over to the art canvases for her.)

Coworker: “This guest says that the 8×8 canvases are on sale for 29 cents.”

Me: “That sounds ridiculous; there’s no way that can be right. I’m looking forward to this signing error.”

(I go back to look, but the signs clearly say 40% off. Nothing says 29 cents. I scan the canvas.)

Me: “Yeah, it’s coming up $3.49.”

Coworker: “Uh, he’s headed back to—”

(As she’s talking, the customer comes around the corner. I show him the handheld.)

Me: “No, sir, these are coming up as $3.49. I don’t know where you’re getting 29 cents from.”

Customer: “No, the ones right here.”

(He leads me down the aisle to the same canvases that I scanned, just in a different place. In front of them is one of those signs that lists regular prices versus sales prices for the mathematically challenged, like myself. The first one on the list reads, “50¢ – converts to – 29¢.”)

Customer: “See? The canvases are right behind here, so that means they’re 29 cents.”

Me: *after staring at the sign, then back at him* “Sir, that sign just shows hypothetical sale prices. It’s not an actual sale sign.”

Customer: *points more aggressively at the sign* “But it says 29 cents!”

Me: “Sir, that is not the intended use of that sign.”

Customer: “Well, what in this aisle is 29 cents?!”

Me: “Absolutely nothing. These are our artists’ canvases, which run from about $3 to upwards of $20. The only thing in this store I can think of that is under $1 is our embroidery floss. The sale price on this canvas is already $3.49, and I absolutely know that our manager isn’t going to drop it to 29 cents.”

Customer: “But the sign—”

Me: “How about I call my manager?”

Customer: “Why would you—”

Me: “Because I’m not equipped to explain this, apparently. The canvas is $3.49. That sign is intended to help people calculate sale prices, not demonstrate sale prices. I don’t know how to make that clearer.”

Customer: “Fine. Thanks.”

(He walks off. I quietly get back on my radio.)

Me: “Well… that was the most pointless conversation of my life.”

A Very Taxing Explanation, Part 2

, , , , , , | Right | July 4, 2018

(My store is running a sale, and we sent out an ad for it. A faucet that is normally $150.00 is on sale for $75.00. We have sold a ton in the past few days without a problem.)

Customer: “I want two of those sale faucets from the ad!”

Me: “Wonderful, let me run and get those for you, and I’ll be right back!”

(I run and get them from the storage room and return.)

Me: “Great, your total is $160.88 with tax.”

Customer: “No. I’m only paying $150.00 for both. Change your prices so I can swipe my card.”

Me: “Sorry, I can’t do that. The faucets are $75.00 each, and with tax, that is $160.88.”

Customer: “I already said no! Set the price to the sales price.”

Me: “I rang you up at the sale price, ma’am. The additional charge is just state tax, and I have no control over that.”

Customer: “Stop trying to scam your customers. If you don’t sell them to me at $150.00, I will sue you for false advertising!” *she shows me her phone* “When I put in the prices, it shows as $150.00 on my phone. So, that is what I will pay!”

Me: “That’s because you did not add in tax, ma’am, and our advertisement does mention that tax will apply. It is state tax.”

Customer: “I will sue! Change the price”

Me: “Ma’am, this is state tax. The faucets are already 50% off. There is nothing I can do about the sale price, the state tax, or the final price.”

Customer: “What is the price for just one faucet?”

Me: “With tax, $80.44.”

Customer: *doing the math on her phone* “Liar! Look! My phone says it would be $80.43.”

Me: “The computer automatically rounds up to the nearest cent, ma’am. It would be $88.437.”

Customer: “No, you just want to overcharge me!”

Me: “By tenths of a cent? Do you have a tenth-of-a-cent coin?”

(The customer behind her starts laughing, which makes her angry. She storms out, still threatening to sue.)

Next Customer: “I’ll take those faucets. Feel free to charge me tax.”

A Very Taxing Explanation

Jupiter Ascending

, , , , , | Related | June 30, 2018

(My dad has recently gotten very religious in his old age.)

Me: “Dad, you know what? I read that Jupiter has a storm that can fit three Earths in it!”

Dad: *looking disturbed* “God is great and God is big; if you believe in Him, that’s all you ever need.”

Me: “Wait, what? Why did you start talking about God?”

Dad: “Jupiter is big and God is, too. He made the Heaven and Earth.”

Me: “Did he make Jupiter, too? What about the other planets?”

Dad: *looking really disturbed* “Yes, of course.”

Me: “Why?”

Dad: “Just go read your bible. That’s all you need to know, not outer space facts.”

We’re Not Half Surprised

, , , , | Right | June 19, 2018

(We have a table marked 50% off different Items. A woman approaches me.)

Customer: “Excuse me. This is regularly $7.00; how much is it on sale for?”

Me: “Its 50% off; everything on this table is discounted half-off.”

Customer: “So, this is $14.00; how much is this half-off?”

Me: “That would be $7.00.”

Customer: “And what if it’s $10?”

Me: *pause* “Five.”

Customer: “This one is $4, so how much is that?”

Me: *longer pause* “Two.”

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