Customer: “Aren’t those apples $2.49 a pound? Why are you charging me more than that?”

Me: *Motions to the screen.* “They’re $2.49 a pound, and you bought 2.4 pounds.”

Customer: “So?”

Me: “Soooo, the price is correct.”

Customer: “How?!”

Me: “Because that’s how multiplication works.”

Customer: “But I only wanted them to be $2.49.”

Me: “Then you can only buy one pound.”

Customer: “I’m not putting any back.”

Me: “Then the current price is correct.”

Customer: “Why are you discriminating against me?”

Me: “I’m not.”

Customer: “You’re discriminating against me using math! I failed math! That’s unfair!”

Me: “I can’t… I can’t do anything about math. It’s math.”

Customer: “Can your manager change the math?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “Can you call them anyway? I don’t think you should be using math in the store and I need to complain…”

Related:
Math Is Your Friend, Part 21
Math Is Your Friend, Part 20
Math Is Your Friend, Part 19
Math Is Your Friend, Part 18
Math Is Your Friend, Part 17

Customer: “Do you have a list of ingredients for your oranges?”

Me: “They’re just oranges.”

Customer: “Yes, but are they free of chemicals?”

Me: “The organic ones are pesticide-free.”

Customer: “Yes… but are they free… of chemicals?”

Me: “What do you mean by chemicals?”

Customer: “Well, I was at Trader Joe’s last week, and I saw that their oranges had ascorbic acid in them, and I don’t want any of that in my body!”

Me: “Ascorbic acid is the chemical name for vitamin C.”

Customer: *Ignoring me.* “So anyway, I want only things without chemicals! No chemicals are ever going to go into my body!”

I told her the organic fruits are free of “harmful chemicals” and that seemed to do the trick, which is good because I’d hate to have to start selling items that are not made up of atoms, as sourcing those would be really tough…

Customer: “Get me a soda, but I want ice that doesn’t float.”

Me: “I can fill the cup with ice so that the ice touches the bottom, but all ice floats in water.”

Customer: “Y’all got some of that heavy water? Make ice from that.”

Me: “Heavy water?”

Customer: “Deuterium!’

Me: “Okay, so you understand the concept of deuterium and heavy ice, but don’t understand that it wouldn’t be freely accessible in a Taco Bell?”

Customer: “Ugh, this place is so cheap!” *Leaves.*

Related:
H2-OMG!, Part 12
H2-OMG!, Part 11
H2-OMG!, Part 10
H2-OMG!, Part 9
H2-OMG!, Part 8

A table of three people is ordering. The first customer hits me with:

Customer: “Can I get some organic water?”

Me: “Uh, I mean, our bottled water comes from a natural spring.”

Customer: “Okay, but is it organic?”

Me: “Well, it’s not exposed to pesticides… and is cruelty-free?”

Customer: “Okay, that should work.”

This exchange ends with the seeming relief of the next customer, who looked like they were expecting a longer conversation.

Then, the third customer says:

Third Customer: “Not to be that guy, but technically no water is organic, because it has no carbon atoms, and an organic compound must have carbon-hydrogen bonds.”

Second Customer: *Glaring.* “Not now, Nigel!”

Too late, the original customer has jumped on Nigel’s explanation.

Customer: *To me.* “Is that true?! It needs carbon to be organic?”

For f*** sake, I’m a waiter, not a chemist! Why does this always happen to me?

Me: *Thinking quickly.* “Uh, we do have carbonated water, ma’am?”

Customer: *Smiles.* “Okay! That should work too!”

Third Customer: “Well, technically—”

Second Customer: *Shouting.* “—Not now, Nigel!”

Seriously, Nigel! Shut up!

A colleague (quite a bit older than me) is measuring out cable (sold by the metre) in front of a customer, against a measuring tape, and running it to around ninety-one centimetres whilst counting off each metre.

Me: “Uh, mate, that’s not a metre.”

Colleague: “Three feet to a metre.”

Me: “A metre is a hundred centimetres, so that’s not true.”

Colleague: “No. Three feet to a metre. Always has been.”

Me: “There is literally a one metre mark a bit further up the tape you’re using.”

Colleague: “No, that’s a metric metre.”

Me: “I mean, yes?”

Colleague: “Three feet is an imperial metre.”

Me: “No, that’s a yard.”

Colleague: “Yeah. An imperial metre.”

Me: “A metre is a metre, and it’s always a hundred centimetres.”

Colleague: “What do they teach you lot in school these days, eh?”

Me: “More than what they taught you, apparently!”

Colleague: “Fine, you know everything? Measure it yourself.”

He holds his hands up and storms away. I smile at the customer and offer to remeasure the cable.

Customer: “Thank you! I was a bit confused when he told me the price, but per “imperial metre”. He told me it was also a yard, but I just thought that was the thing that Kelis’s milkshake bought all the boys to…”

I’m surrounded by… interesting people.