A customer walks up to me at the host stand.

Customer: “I need a table.”

Me: “For how many?”

Customer: “A bunch.”

Me: “How many is that?”

Customer: “Ten, hmm, no… Maybe twelve? Twenty, maybe?”

I take a moment to process the most unhelpful answer in the history of answers.

Me: “We can put two tables together right now for you to make it twelve, but if it’s twenty, you will have to wait about forty minutes.”

Customer: “Seriously? Ugh. Fine!”

They wait while I seat other arriving diners. After ten minutes, the customer comes back up to me.

Customer: “We’re all here! You said you could seat twelve straight away, so why are we still waiting?!”

I count their group and there are nine of them.

Me: “Certainly, sir. Let me get that table sorted for you.”

Customer: “You mean it’s been ready all this time? Are you stupid?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but you’re the one that can’t count past nine.”

I’m hanging a picture frame for my grandfather between two windows in his home. I’ve asked him where exactly he would like it hung. The picture frame is thirty inches wide and the space between the windows is forty-eight inches wide.

Grandfather: “I want it to be a foot away from the window.”

I hold the frame in place a foot from one of the windows.

Grandfather: “No, no, it needs to be centered between the windows, too.”

Me: “It can’t be both centered and a foot from the window.”

Grandfather: “Why not?”

Me: “Math?”

I’m a member of management in charge of the customer service desk at my location. I am covering a lunch break for my closing desk clerk. I’ve been with the company a long time and have held many positions. We are short-handed this evening and I have no one to back me up if the line gets out of hand. Like many stores, my store issues a club-style card for savings and coupons.

A customer with a young girl comes up with her receipt.

Customer: “They didn’t scan my card, so I didn’t get my discounts.”

Me: “Not a problem. Let me take a look.”

Her order isn’t terribly long, but my system works in such a way that I have to hand-key each UPC twice (once to process a return and once again to ring the items up with the discount), and a line is forming behind her.

I do a quick estimation of what she would have likely saved and offer her 20%, rounded up to $10.

Customer: *Narrows her eyes* “No, I don’t accept that. I think it would have been more. I’m going to talk to someone else.”

She walks away before I can offer to process the refund the long way, and she goes to talk to another employee. I help the next two customers, and the other employee calls me, asking what happened.

I explain that I was trying to save her some time and I was happy to help the way she wanted. The customer comes back.

Customer: *Genuinely apologetic* “I’m sorry, that was really rude of me.”

Me: “No worries, it was a misunderstanding, and I’m sorry, too. It’s a lengthy process, but if you don’t mind the wait, we can knock this out.”

I began the process, and throughout, the customer continued to confess to being embarrassed and even stated that she’d feel like “an a**hole” if it actually came out to less than $10. Each time, I reassured her that I appreciated the apology and I was not worried about it.

Finally, I hit total and the refund amount added up on the screen. I said, “Well…” and turned the screen to the customer. $9.97.

To her credit, she continued to be gracious and even gave me a few cents to even it out to $10.

A foreign couple has pre-booked a holiday package that included a ten-dive package. By the end of their holiday, they have their ten dives and two extra, so we present them with a bill for the remainder.

They look at the bill in confusion.

Customer: “But we paid for ten dives.”

Me: “Yes, your ten dives booked through [Travel Company] were settled directly with them. This is for the additional dives you had.”

Customer: “But we paid for ten dives.”

I politely explain again that the bill is for the extra dives.

Customer: “But we paid for ten dives.”

I take out a pen and paper and write down all the dates and times of their dive trips. The customer confirms they are correct. I circle the first ten and confirm there are ten in the circle and two remaining out. The customer confirms this. I am looking hopeful that there is understanding.

Customer: “But we paid for ten dives.”

I’m not ashamed to admit I threw the pen and paper into the air in exasperation.

I’m bagging at a checkout.

Customer: “I need you to put everything in lots of bags so that it weighs less.”

I oblige, and the customer ends up with about twenty bags. Then, he tries to pick up all his groceries in one go, ten bags per hand.

Customer: “D*** it, I told you to bag them lightly! Why is this so d*** heavy?!”

Me: “Sir, each individual bag is quite light. But if you try to pick them all up at the same time, it will still weigh quite a lot!”

Customer: “Nonsense! Don’t you know how that… that gravitemetry works?

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Next Time Use Those Anti-Gravity Bags