As a teenager, I worked at a local gas station. Back then, card payments were a lot less common, and most people paid cash.

Customer: “Pump four, and a pack of [brand] cigarettes.”

Me: “That’s 44,63 €, please.”

The customer hands me 45 € in cash.

I count out her change of 37 cents and hand it to her. While I am putting the cash she gave me into the till, I notice that the customer is still standing there, cigarettes in one hand, change in the other.

Customer: “You didn’t give me enough change. It’s 47 cents!”

Me: “Your total was 44,63 €, so 37 cents is correct.”

Customer: “60 and 40 make a hundred, not 60 and 30!

Me: “Yes, and 3 and 7 make ten, which is the other 10 cents.”

Customer: “You’re trying to rip me off!

I print out the receipt to show her where it clearly says 0,37 € as the change.

Customer: “You put that in yourself to scam me!

So, I get the calculator from the back and let her type it in herself. The change obviously still comes up to 37 cents.

Customer: “This calculator is manipulated! You’re trying to scam me out of my money!

Behind this customer, a line had started to form, and the next customer in line opened his wallet.

Next Customer: “The only one I can see trying to scam someone is not that poor girl over there. But here—” *He takes a 5 € bill out of his wallet and holds it out to the first customer.* “—if you’re that hard up, have a fiver and move on. I have places to be.”

The first customer looks affronted and storms out.

Next Customer: “Okay, now that maths has been failed successfully, I had pump number two.”

I work at a bank. A customer asked about their account being in the negative. He explained that he had deposited a check, but it did not cover the full amount of the negative balance.

Customer: “My account went into the negative, and it’s still in the negative after my deposit. Why didn’t it come out of negative?”

Me: “Well, sir, you were in the negative $800, and the deposit was only for $600. So, you still have to pay $200 to get it out.”

Customer: “Well, how am I supposed to get my check?”

Me: “Sir, it was deposited. You can’t get it; it’s covering the negative balance.”

Customer: “How do I get it out?”

Me: “Well… deposit the final $200.”

Customer: “Can’t you do anything?”

Me: “No, sir, there’s nothing I can do to help with a negative balance other than tell you to pay.”

Customer: “But where did my money go?”

Me: “To the bank.”

Customer: “Not to my account?”

Me: “Yes, but you owed the bank $800, so the bank took the check from your account, and you still owe another $200.”

Customer: “Could you, like, just forget about it?

Me: “No, we can’t do that.”

Customer: “But you’re a bank; you have lots of money.”

Me: “The bank has money because it doesn’t forget about it.”

Customer: “I just don’t understand why I have to pay.”

Me: “Because your balance is below zero. You have negative money.”

Customer: “Ugh, this whole money and balance and numbers thing is confusing. Can’t I just have money now and deal with it later?”

Me: “You did that. This is the deal with it later part.”

Customer: “I mean much later.”

Me: “How much later?”

Customer: “Long enough for you to forget.”

Me: “Sir, the bank is not going to forget.”

Customer: “Ugh! I hate banks! All you care about is money!”

The conversation took another half an hour and did not improve. He still did not understand why he had a negative balance despite it being explained to him by two managers…

Customer: “Can you help me? I’m looking for alternative science books?”

Me: “Maybe you can tell me what you’re specifically looking for?”

Customer: “Flat Earth.”

Me: “Okay, so that would fall under conspiracies and—”

Customer: “—No! You’re just like the other stores! Take me seriously! I want books that take the subject seriously!”

Me: “Best I can offer are the Discworld books.”

Customer: “Where would I find those?”

His face when I told him “Fantasy Fiction” was something…

A friend is trying to explain what they’re studying for their PhD.

PhD Friend: “So, the study and creation of antimatter has been around since—”

Other Friend: “—But I still don’t get it. What is antimatter?”

PhD Friend: “It’s matter that is exactly the same as normal matter; in fact, between them it’s almost indistinguishable, except they carry opposite electrical charges.”

Other Friend: “So basically the same, but different?”

PhD Friend: “Well, that’s a simplify—”

Other Friend: “Like Coke and Pepsi?”

PhD Friend: “Uh…”

Me: *Jumping in.* “Yes, actually! They’re on a material level the same thing, and look the same, but mix them together and you’re instigating the destruction of the universe.”

We all laugh a bit, and [PhD Friend] likes the analogy but gives [Other Friend] another to help them out.

 A few minutes later we’ve changed subjects and our group are chatting when we overhear [Other Friend] talking to the barman:

Barman: “No, only Coke, no Pepsi.”

Other Friend: “Okay, if I pop across the street to Tesco’s to buy a Pepsi, would I be allowed to bring it inside and mix it with my Coke?”

Barman: “Yeah, but what for?”

Other Friend: “For science!”

The Coksi particle was born that night…

It’s been a number of years, so let me introduce you to the client from COVID Hell, and how I had it early.

Early March 2020, I took on a new tutoring client. Advanced physics, so I was one of the few who COULD even tutor it. The world had yet to go wonky, and we met at the local library. For many reasons, I will never meet a client at their home, or in any non-public space.

A few days later, the axis of the Earth began to shift. The library was now closed, News of the Biogen conference in Boston (the first identified superspreader event) started to come to light, and I was laid up with the worst chest cold of my life.

The client’s father wanted me to continue tutoring. The library was closed, as were most other public spaces at this point, and I was not in any condition to do so, either. The father insisted that I come to the house. It’ll be fine. When I asked if there would be an adult present, he said not to worry about it, so I begged off for a little. I asked about remote sessions, but the father was not having it. If he was going to pay me, I was going to be there in person.

It wasn’t a chest cold. The client was also sick, and his father said that the mother had been in Boston. At the conference. Where COVID found a travel plan.

The father kept pushing and came up with, “We already have it, so if you do, it doesn’t matter.” Turns out he knew the mother was sick before the first meeting.

At that point, I fired that client so hard that the impact could have turned coal into diamonds.