The Speediest Way To Get Fired

, , , , | Working | September 12, 2013

(I’ve just received one of those automated speeding tickets that gets mailed to you at home. I’m about to pay online, when I notice a discrepancy. I call the number provided to ask about it.)

Me: “Hi, I received an automated speeding ticket, and was wondering if I had to pay it since—”

Helpdesk: “UGH! Yes you have to pay your tickets. That’s what you get for breaking the law.”

Me: “Yes, I understand how the law works, but this tickets says—”

Helpdesk: “LISTEN, YOU LITTLE S***! YOU WERE SPEEDING, SO PAY YOUR D*** TICKET!”

Me: “How about you transfer me to your manager now?”

Helpdesk: “FINE, BUT HE’S JUST GONNA TELL YOU THE SAME THING!”

(After a bit, during which I can hear the helpdesk worker complaining about me to the manager, he comes on.)

Manager: “Hello, I hear you are trying to refute a speeding ticket?”

Me: “I was, but apparently I’m ‘a little s*** that needs to just pay it.'”

Manager: *taken back* “Why on earth would you call yourself that?”

Me: “I don’t. The lady on the phone told me that before listening to what my reason was.”

Manager: “…you are not the first she’s said that to, and I promise that I will do what I can to help. What is the reason you are rebuking the ticket?”

Me: “Because I don’t think my car can reach 240 miles per hour.”

Manager: “Your car WHAT?!”

(After verifying the ticket and pulling it up to view…)

Manager: “No, there is no reason for you to pay this at all. Would you be willing to come in to sign a form? I can fax it to you if you can’t.”

Me: “Oh, no, that’s fine; it’s easier for me to come in than to fax it.”

(I go in and see a lady at the front desk.)

Me: “Hi, I’m here about a speeding ticket.”

Lady: “Oh, so you finally realized you’re being stupid and are going to pay?”

Manager: *out of nowhere* “NO! You’re going to personally void this man’s ticket, and then you’re going to pack up and get the f*** out of here for being rude to people!”

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How To Rattle A Snake

| Learning | June 21, 2013

(A kid in my class likes to mess with me. Most of the time, I ignore him. One day, enough is enough. He likes to call me “snake,” but it’s not my real name. It’s just what he likes to tease me with.)

Boy: “Hey. Pssst. Snake!”

(I ignore him, as I am currently working on a difficult assignment.)

Boy: “Snaaaaaaaaaaaaaake.”

(He shakes the back of my chair and I continue to ignore him.)

Boy: “Snakesnakesnakesnakesnake” *shakes chair more*

Me: “What do you want?”

Boy: “Snakesnakesnakesnakesnake—”

(I wordlessly reach back with my notebook, slap him in the face and carry on with my work as if nothing happened. The boy opens mouth in shock, stops hassling me. There was no more chair shaking after that!)

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Weekly Roundup: Math Counts!

, | Right | June 16, 2013

Weekly Roundup: Math Counts! In this week’s roundup, we share five stories where math skills don’t add up!

  1. Equivalence, Meet Ignorance (5,254 thumbs up)
  2. The Count Would Be Proud (2,508 thumbs up)
  3. Adventures In The Third Dimension, Part 2 (1,571 thumbs up)
  4. Those Heathens And Their Time-Telling Ways (2,368 thumbs up)
  5. Don’t Count Out The Cost Of Education (1,181 thumbs up)

PS #1: check out our Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news!

PS #2: Read more roundups here!

Going Cold Turkey On Math Can Solve Many Problems

, , | Learning | April 20, 2013

(It is the last meeting of the discussion section of our math class before Thanksgiving Break. Class has just ended and people are packing up.)

Me: “This time next week, we’re going to be having fun!”

Teacher’s Assistant: “Yeah, we’re going to be doing fun math problems!”

Me: “You can come if you want to, but we aren’t going to.”

Teacher’s Assistant: “Excuse me? Are you planning to skip?”

Other Student Walking Out: “Happy Thanksgiving, [Teacher’s Assistant]!”

Teacher’s Assistant: “Oh, I forgot. It’s Thanksgiving Break next week. Sorry!”

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This Piemaker Will Never Understand Pi

, , , , | Working | February 25, 2013

(I’m in charge of making pies for my work. On this particular day, we’ve sold quite a few, so I’m looking in the fridge at remaining pie.)

Me: “Man, we sold a lot of pie! I better make more tomorrow.”

Coworker: “Yeah! We sold so much! There’s only one left! How many did you make?”

Me: “Four.”

Coworker: “Wow, you made four pies, and there’s only one left, so that’s like…”

(I stare at him a moment, waiting to see what he’s going to say.)

Coworker: “Um…”

Me: “Three. We sold three pies.”

Coworker: “Yeah! We sold three pies, and now there’s one left!”

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