Breaking Their Fourth Wall

, , , , , , | Right | August 2, 2018

(I am working in the deli of a grocery store.)

Me: “How are you? Can I interest you some of our [popular ham] that’s on sale?”

Customer: “No, I need one-fourth of a pound of [other ham].”

Me: “Of course!”

(I slice a piece of the ham he asked for and ask him if the slice is okay and if he would like a sample slice.)

Me: “Okay, and you said a quarter pound, right?”

Customer: “No! I said one-fourth! You people do this every time! First you try to sell me some s*** I don’t need, and then you try to trick me into buying more than I need! I said one-fourth of a pound!”

(I continue to slice his meat and let him rant. I finish slicing, hand him his meat, and wish him a great day. A few moments later he returns and puts the ham back on the counter.)

Customer: “I thought a fourth would be enough, but it doesn’t look like it. I guess you’re not as bad as I thought. I’ll take the quarter, instead.”

Me: “Okay.”

Trying To Pay With A Photo Finish

, , , , , | Right | July 30, 2018

Customer: “Excuse me, can you help me with this photo machine?”

Me: “Yes, what’s the problem?”

Customer: “It printed all of my photos, but it’s telling me to bring the receipt to the counter, and it’s not printing a receipt.”

(Our kiosk’s receipt printer hasn’t worked in years, so we frequently have to give this explanation.)

Me: “The summary it printed after the last photo is what we use. It tells you how many pictures were in the order, and we can figure the price out from that.”

Customer: “But I don’t know how much photos cost!”

Me: “Well, they’re 29 cents each, and it says here there were 13 photos, so with that—”

Customer: “But it doesn’t tell me how much it’ll cost, or how many photos there are!”

(She begins counting the photos by hand, so I grab the calculator and work out the cost.)

Customer: “…twelve, thirteen. Now to get the cost. Thirteen times 29 cents…”

Me: “It’ll be $3.77 before tax, ma’am.”

(The customer ignores me and continues to write out the multiplication.)

Customer: “Okay, it’s $3.77! By the way, you don’t sell photo postcards here, do you? Or any of the stores in this square?”

Me: “I’m afraid we don’t; if anyone here does, it would probably be [Other Store], so I’d check there first.”

Customer: “Thank you. I’ll do that!”

(The customer immediately turns from the counter and starts toward the exit.)

Me: “Ma’am, you need to— Ma’am, you need to pay for those!”

Customer: “I did!”

Me: “No… you didn’t.”

Customer: “I paid it right over there, you can check my balance and see!”

(Fearful that she might have tried jamming her card into a slot on the kiosk, I rush around… only to find her pointing at the ATM next to it.)

Customer: “I slid it right here, and it says here you can check my balance to see.”

Me: “This is the store’s ATM, not part of the photo machine.”

Customer: “Well, can I check my balance?”

Me: “Uh… Yes?”

(With another customer waiting, I leave to ring them up while keeping the first customer in earshot while she uses the ATM.)

Customer: “It wants a PIN? It’s never asked for that before!”

(I finish checking the second customer out, right as the first customer walks back up to the counter.)

Customer: “Since when does it want a PIN for anything? Anyway, I guess I’ll trust that I still need to pay for these. But I’m using cash this time, not a card!”

Me: “All right, after tax, that’ll be four dollars even!”

(The customer pulls out a small wad of bills with a twenty and three ones visible. She returns to her purse, and I assume she’s getting a fourth dollar bill.)

Customer: “Feels like it’s been forever since I paid with cash!”

(She does pull out another wad of cash with another dollar bill, only to drop it and continue digging for two more handfuls. By the time she stops, I can see a five, a ten, a twenty, and far more ones than needed to pay for the pictures.)

Me: “Ma’am, you… have enough to pay for this…”

(Paying no attention to me, she begins straightening out some of the ones, the five, and the twenty. After she’s stacked twelve of them up, she sighs and slides me the ten.)

Customer: “Oh, just take it out of the ten, then.”

Me: “Um… Okay… And six dollars is your change!”

Customer: “Whew, never a dull moment, is there?”

Me: “Nope!”

Bouncing This Lesson Off Of The Students

, , , , , , , | Learning | July 24, 2018

(It’s the first day of school in our new high school, and our new science teacher is teaching us about lab safety.)

Teacher: “I’ll teach this once, and once only, as my teacher taught me.”

(He picks up a test tube.)

Teacher: “Test tubes do not bounce.”

(He drops it. It shatters on the floor.)

Teacher: “Neither do beakers.”

(The beaker is dropped.)

Teacher: “Nor anything else, really.”

(He swept the assortment of lab equipment in front of him off the table. It landed on the floor with a resounding crash. We had a great time with that teacher.)

Fraught With A Quart

, , , , , , | Working | July 20, 2018

(I’m bringing some used motor oil to an auto parts store to be recycled. Depending on who’s working at the time, they may take the oil for me, or they might have me go in the back and pour it out myself. This time, an employee escorts me to the recycling tank. Each time this is done, there’s a log that needs to be filled out. We get to the part regarding “quantity” when this happens.)

Employee: “So, how much?”

Me: “Well, this says gallons, so let’s say one.”

Employee: *indicating my container* “That’s one?”

Me: “Well, it’s five quarts, and there are four quarts in a gallon, so it’s a little more than one.”

Employee: “So…”

Me: “We can say one and a half, because that’s gallons.”

Employee: “So, four?”

Me: *giving up* “Sure.”


, , , | Right | July 17, 2018

(A customer is looking at a circular mirror, trying to figure out if it will fit in her home.)

Customer: “How tall is it?”

Me: “It’s three feet in diameter, ma’am.”

Customer: “But how wide is it?”

Me: “It’s three feet.”

Customer: “No, I meant how wide?!

Customer’s Husband: “It’s a circle!

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