My mother told me that her mother believed that women’s abdominal muscles were not strong enough to support their organs, and foundation garments were a necessity. This was a self-fulfilling prophecy; she had eight children and always wore a girdle, so her core muscles would have atrophied, “proving” her belief was true. I imagine her back would ache just standing for a few minutes without foundations.

Forty years later, I am sitting with some friends at university. Several of my friends are doing post-graduate studies. One in particular is a qualified, working pharmacist, so she’s a woman of the world who has studied human anatomy.

Another friend arrives, so I make my excuses to the group, saying we are going to an exercise class together.

The pharmacist looks at me very seriously and gives me a stern warning.

Pharmacist: “Be careful doing core work. If your abs get too strong, they can crush your internal organs!”

It struck me at first as two vastly different beliefs, but later, I saw that they were two sides of the same coin; women’s bodies are unreliable and dangerous, and women’s instincts can’t be trusted but must rely on (male) science to be well.

A couple of decades ago, when Compuserve and AOL dial-up were still fairly big, we had a deal that would give people a $400 instant discount on our computers. Most of our PCs were between $400 and $550, so it was possible to get a computer for very little money — sometimes, for almost nothing.

There were two catches. One: It required signing up for a Compuserve account. Two: You had to be locked into a multi-year contract. I’m hazy on the details; it was a monthly fee for three years, I believe, but I forget the monthly fee amount. I do remember that the EXACT amount paid over the course of the contract was $790.24, which was just about double the original discount, meaning you would be paying back TWICE as much as they took off the price.

Now, we weren’t required to give the full details of the “catch”, but we would still tell our customers upfront, so they’d know EXACTLY what they were getting into. Nine times out of ten, they would go through with it anyway.

One old codger came in with his wife. He was determined to show me that he was no sucker.

Customer: “I’ve seen your little ‘deal’ here on the computer discount, and I did the math!”

Me: “Of course.”

I was actually impressed because most of our customers DIDN’T “do the math”, hence the upfront heads-up we gave them.

Customer: “When being locked into a contract for all those months, the money adds up.”

Me: “Yes, to $790.24.”

The old man kept going as if he hadn’t heard me. (Maybe he DIDN’T?)

Customer: “After adding up the monthly fee over that contract—” *looks at his notes* “—it’s quite a big amount!”

Me: “Yeah, I know: $790.24.”

He kept rambling, once AGAIN, as if he wasn’t listening, even though I KNEW he was looking RIGHT AT ME as I spoke!

Customer: “You guys are actually expecting me pay—” *Pauses to look at his notes again*

Me: “Like I said, sir, $790.24.”

Customer: *COMPLETELY ignoring me* “$790.24! That’s nearly double!”

Finally, the codger’s wife sympathetically spoke up.

Customer’s Wife: “Honey, he knows that.”

Customer: “Of course, he knows. I just told him!”

Oh, good grief… The funny thing is, he went through with the sign-up, anyway! I just LOVE time-wasters…

One weekend, my partner and I visit our local zoo. It is a lovely day, so it is quite crowded with lots of people all around everywhere we go. A little boy — maybe six or seven years old — is proudly telling his mother what he’s learned about how humans have evolved. You can imagine what comes next.

Mother: “No, no… I’m pretty sure that’s not true.”

Boy: “Yes, it is! We evolved from apes and—”

Mother: “No, none of that is true. I mean, think about it. If people came from monkeys, then why are there still monkeys, huh?”

Boy: “Uh… but—”

Mother: “You see? It just doesn’t make sense.”

And off they went, the matter settled. I know these people are everywhere, especially in the US, but it was so hard to just keep on walking and not say something snarky.

Customer: “I bought helium balloons, but they don’t float. Do I have to put special air in them or something?”

Me: “The label means the balloons are helium quality, which means they’ll hold helium. You have to actually put helium in them if you want them to float.”

Customer: “That’s false advertising! I’ve been blowing these things up with my mouth for over an hour!”

I am a teenager trying to get my math homework done with the “help” of my six-year-old brother.

Brother: “What’s that, [My Name]? How do you do this? Why doesn’t this look like my homework?”

Me: *Frustrated* “Because this is letter math, like big kids do. You want to try it?”

Brother: “Yeah!”

I grab a piece of notebook paper and write down half a dozen basic algebra problems, along the lines of x + 4 = 7.

Me: “Here. Give it a try and let me know how far you get.”

I am thinking this will keep him quiet and out of my hair. Five minutes later:

Brother: “All done! That was fun! Can I have more, please?”

I take the paper and discover that he has solved every problem correctly. After writing down half a dozen more, I go find my mom.

Me: “I think we might need to get [Brother] enrichment in math.”