I’m doing a job interview for a pretty standard retail working position. There’s a collection of bulls*** questions that we’re required to ask and document the answer to as part of standardizing the hiring process.

I have an applicant in front of me.

Me: “What’s your greatest strength?”

Applicant: “I’m very fast at math. Ask me a math problem.”

Humoring her, I ask:

Me: “What’s seven plus fifteen?”

She responds almost instantly.

Applicant: “Three.”

Me: “That’s… not the answer.”

Applicant: “No, but it was fast, wasn’t it?”

I laughed. I hired her. A sense of humor is a useful skill working retail.

Our store is located near the San Andreas fault, so earthquakes are relatively common. I am giving a tour of a condo to some potential buyers when we experience a small quake lasting a few seconds.

Potential Buyer: “What was that!”

Me: “That was an earthquake, sir. They happen from time to time, but this is also a great opportunity for me to explain how well built the building is to withstand earthquakes up to—”

Potential Buyer: “Oh, no, no, no. This will not do. I don’t want earthquakes.”

Me: “I… understand, sir, however, while there’s nothing we can do about the earthquakes, there is plenty that we can do to protect—”

Potential Buyer: “I need you to make them… not happen.”

Me: “Make the earthquakes… not happen?”

Potential Buyer: “For whatever property I buy, yes. I don’t want there to be earthquakes.”

Me: “Well, like I said, sir, there’s nothing I can do—”

Potential Buyer: *Snooty.* “Are you saying you don’t have anything for a potential customer willing to make a purchase today?!”

Me: “Nothing that I can’t guarantee will skip the earthquakes when they happen, sir.”

Potential Buyer: “Am I going to have to go with another broker?”

Me: “I guarantee you they won’t have any either, sir, especially in California.”

Potential Buyer: “Why not?!

Me: “Because ‘Earthquake Shake Proof’ is not a feature that any property in California is capable of!”

Potential Buyer: “You just lost a sale!”

The potential buyer just walks out of the condo! I told my manager, who laughed and told me there was nothing I could done in the face of such stupidity.

We are running a “buy two, get a third free” sale. One of the products in this sale is made by a third party which also has a 25%-off online coupon for their items, but it can only be used on one item, and both deals cannot be combined. A customer comes up to me with three of the items in question, along with the coupon.

Me: “Hi! We’re actually doing a ‘buy two, get a third free’ deal on this item at the moment, so it would be cheaper if you did that instead of using the coupon.”

Customer: “But I want to use the coupon.”

Me: “I understand, and if you were buying just one of these, then it would make sense, but since you’re buying three, it makes more sense for you to use our store deal instead.”

Customer: “But… I want to use the coupon.”

Me: “It would be cheaper—”

My manager rushes over and takes over.

Manager: “Let me take that coupon and give you a good deal, sir!”

The manager processes our own deal, ignores the coupon, and charges the customer the lesser amount.

Customer: “Thank you. You need to train your checkout staff better; they don’t know what they’re talking about.”

Manager: “We’ll get right on that, sir.”

The customer leaves, and the manager tears up the unused coupon.

Manager: “Customers know nothing. Nothing. Sooner you realize that, the saner you’ll be.”

Related:
Choose Your Battles, Part 6
Choose Your Battles, Part 5
Choose Your Battles, Part 4
Choose Your Battles, Part 3
Choose Your Battles, Part 2

I’m a mathematician. I’m traveling with several other mathematicians to a math conference. Because we’re not that wealthy to all take separate vehicles, we’re all in the same car. We know each other and work in universities near one another.

There are three of us on the way to pick up the fourth and fifth in a tiny, kinda trashed two-door sedan. The driver is in a very passionate conversation with the passenger, and I’m trying to go over my notes for my upcoming lecture in the back.

It’s a little bit chilly, and the front windshield starts frosting up. Neither the passenger nor the driver seems to notice, but it gets bad enough that I can’t see the road from the back seat. I get kind of nervous, and I poke the driver.

Me: “Hey, uh, the front window shield is getting kind of foggy.”

Driver: “Oh, yes, I see. Thank you.”

He reached forward — I assumed to start cleaning it off. But instead of cleaning it off, he started jotting down equations in the fog to make the discussion more clear with the passenger.

It is very fortunate that we survived the trip.

Customer: “Could I get a Coke?”

Me: “Sure thing!”

Customer: “Diet Coke, please! I don’t want any chemicals or sugar.”

Me: “Well, it’s technically sugar-free, but they used chemicals to get it like that.”

Customer: “Oh. I thought chemicals were calories?”

Me: “Well, not really.”

Customer: “Does the Diet Coke have any calories?”

Me: “Again, technically, no.”

Customer: “Then we’re good! Chemicals are calories!”

I gave up and got them their Diet Coke.