Customer: “Excuse me, how many bags of mulch do I need to cover my yard?”
Me: “Well, how big is your yard?”
Customer: “Oh, I don’t know. Big? Kind of huge-ish?”
Me: “Okay. Well, do you happen to have the area or anything? We sell mulch in cubic feet, so—”
Customer: “What? You expect me to do math?! That’s ridiculous! I don’t do any of that math crap; it’s too hard!”
I work in a floral shop and we are currently out of helium due to the fact there is a helium shortage. We have signs at the check-stand and by our display balloons stating this.
Customer: “I need to get some birthday balloons.”
Me: “I am sorry, sir, we are actually out of helium.”
Customer: “Can’t I just take one of those balloons over there in the display?”
Me: “Actually, those are just filled with regular air so they won’t float away.”
Customer: “Can’t you just make some helium and put it in the balloons?”
Me: *Pause* “Sir, helium is a natural gas; we can’t just make it.”
The customer is shocked by this information.
Customer: “Really? I always thought you guys just made it.”
As our school is preparing to shut down for a disease outbreak, the administration is coordinating the transition to distance learning. These are extracts from emails sent ten minutes apart.
Email #1: “As we cannot guarantee access to any campus buildings, please be sure to bring any materials that you will require to continue working home.”
Email #2: “In response to the deluge of questions, the administration would like to ask all staff working in laboratories to please disregard our previous email.”
Email #3: “To further follow up, any objects of study that are not considered part of laboratory research but are too dangerous or physically large to be moved should remain on campus.”
Email #4: “In light of the continued questions, please disregard our previous guidance on working from home. We would now like you to use common sense when deciding what is appropriate to bring with you.”
(My family is visiting the pizza counter while at a game center for my work-sponsored “family night.” As part of the deal, we were each given a coupon for a drink and two slices of pizza. We are a family of three.)
Me: “I have these coupons; I’d like four cheese pizza slices and two pepperoni.”
Clerk: “You want… What?”
Me: “Four cheese slices and two pepperoni.”
Clerk: “But the coupon is for two slices.”
Me: “We have three coupons.” *shows them*
Clerk: “But you can’t have four cheese; the coupon is for two.”
Me: “Okay, then I’ll have two cheese, two cheese, and two pepperoni.”
Clerk: “Great! I’ll get that for you!”
I’m at my local roller derby game, and I decide that a beverage is just right for the occasion.
A local brewery is supplying the beers, and the bar is run by skaters from the league.
I buy two beers, and the total comes to something like $18. I hand the lady a $20 and three dollars in change. She looks at me weirdly and says, “It’s only $18.”
I reply, “It’s so you can give me a $5 note instead of coins.”
“Oh! That’s clever. Did you work it out when you were queueing up?”
I just let it slide, thank the lovely lady, and leave with my cans.
