I have had a very long day, so I’m not in the best of moods. I dyed a young customer’s hair blonde a few weeks ago, and she returns today, looking a bit upset.

Customer: “Something’s gone wrong with the dye job!”

Me: “It looks okay to me. What issue are you having with it?”

Customer: “But my hair always comes back the old color! Look at the top!”

Me: “Yes, it will do that as it grows out.”

Customer: “Can you do anything to it that will keep it blonde forever?”

Me: “Head over to the other side of downtown. There’s a big university there; they have a genomics lab. They’re more qualified than I am.”

Customer: *Totally oblivious* “Thanks!”

She heads for the door, getting out her phone.

Customer: “Genomics? That’s the name of the salon?” 

I ended up taking pity on her and calling her back to explain what genetics is and why we can’t solve her hair issues. I still don’t think she understood, but I managed to go home not feeling like a d**k. I’ll save that for the stupid customers who are ALSO badly behaved.

While I’m now an executive, this happened when I was still a manager at my airline. A man in his early twenties applied for a vacancy for a Ramp Operator, commonly known as a baggage handler. He went through the various stages: CV analysis, psychotechnical tests, background check, and security questionnaire. Then, he reached the final stage before training and hiring: the interview.

At the interview, there is always a panel of three interviewers: the station manager, a supervisor, and a Human Resources representative, with at least one of the same gender as the candidate. Even though I was not the station manager, I was filling in for him, so I had to preside over the interview.

Me: “Why do you want to work for [Airline]?”

Candidate: “To prove a point.”

Me: “Oh, and what is that?”

Candidate: “You see, ma’am, there’s no such thing as an ‘airplane’.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Candidate: “Yes. They are, in fact, trains that travel at the speed of light. The so-called ‘takeoff’ is nothing more than a distortion of the visible wavelengths, caused by the engines stretching the laws of physics to their limits.”

There was silence, as my fellow panel members and I stared at him, dumbfounded. Then, finally, the HR rep questioned him.

HR Rep: “So, once again… Why do you want to work for [Airline]?”

Candidate: “By working here, I can expose, once and for all, the air travel conspiracy.”

We thanked him for his time, told him we’d give him an answer soon, and waited for him to leave. As soon as he closes the door, the supervisor just said:

Supervisor: “We’re not letting this guy come anywhere near our planes, right?”

At that, the HR rep and I broke down laughing, and we reassured the supervisor that we were never hiring him.

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Part of my job is to do basic water tests for fish tanks. One lady brings me a sample of water, and I do the whole test.

Me: “Ma’am, your water appears to be extremely alkaline.”

Customer: “You’re a liar! I’ve never had batteries in my tank!”

Me: “No…”

It is the mid-1970s, and calculators are the hottest retail item in our stationery store inside our department store. My manager comes up to me looking depressed.

Manager: “A customer just asked me why the calculators have a zero button. They didn’t think it was a real number.”

Me: “Oh, wow.”

Manager: “It was a hugely depressing insight into the innumeracy and math-phobia of the American public when he asked if he could get one cheaper without it.”

I am ringing out a customer who has three of a single item. They each ring up for $2.85.

Customer: “Hey! Those should be three for ten!”

Me: “Ma’am, they actually came up for less than three for ten, so you are getting an even better deal!”

Customer: *Confused* “No, I want them at three for ten!”

Me: *Calmly* “If they’re $2.85 each, then they’re less than the $3.33 each.”

Customer: “Well, I’m just not going to get them, then, since they aren’t three for ten. That’s such a good deal, too… Oh, well.”

She walked out, leaving all the rest of her items behind.

Related:
Math Is Your Friend, Part 12
Math Is Your Friend, Part 11
Math Is Your Friend, Part 10
Math Is Your Friend, Part 9
Math Is Your Friend, Part 8