Putting The A** In Asthma

, , , , , , | Learning | November 30, 2017

(We are in science class, and my friend comes up to me with what looks like a tongue depressor, probably just a lollipop stick.)

Friend: “Cough on this.”

Me: “Why?”

Friend: “Just do it!

(I cough on it. He instantly starts rubbing it around in his mouth.)

Me: “What the hell are you doing?”

Friend: “Shut up. I’m trying to get asthma!”

Me: “It’s not contagious.”

Friend: “Shut up. How the hell would you know?”

Me: “I have asthma, maybe?”

(He walks away still sucking the stick. Half an hour later.)

Friend: “Sir, I feel faint. I can’t see straight. I think I have asthma.”

Teacher: “If you had asthma you would find it difficult to breathe.”

Friend: “That, too!” *falls on floor*

(I sincerely hope he was joking.)

Mass Extinction Can Wait For After Lunch

, , , , , , | Learning | November 27, 2017

(I volunteer as a tour guide for a group of six- and seven-year-olds in a natural history museum that has a famous dinosaur collection. Before lunch, the kids visit a temporary exhibition, and after lunch it’s time for the dinosaurs. During lunch, one of the kids is impatient and wolfs down his lunch so fast that his teacher needs to remind him several times to take smaller bites. At the same table, there’s a girl that’s eating very calmly, and she’s one of the last to finish. The boy insists that she eats faster.)

Teacher: “[Boy], give [Girl] the time to eat. There will be time enough to visit the dinosaurs.”

Me: *jokingly* “Yeah, don’t worry; the dinos won’t run away.”

Girl: *in an “I can’t believe I need to explain this” voice* “That’s because they’re dead.”

But They Can Without A Brain, Apparently

, , , , | Learning | November 22, 2017

(We are learning about the human body when a classmate raises her hand.)

Teacher: “Yes, [Student]?”

Student: “Can a human live without a heart?”

This Is What Happens When You Sniff Too Much Ammonia

, , , , , | Learning | November 17, 2017

(Because of a specific chemistry assessment, several students need to come in after school to do lab work.)

Classmate #1: *pouring solution* “Ugh, the ammonia smells.”

Classmate #2: “Don’t insult the ammonia. The ammonia has feelings, you know.

Classmate #3: “Ammonia was my best friend for a year.”

Illustrating The Need For Quiet, Mathematically

, , , , , , , | Learning | November 16, 2017

(I’m in the common area of my dorm, attempting to get some homework done, as there isn’t enough space in my dorm room for this project. A pair of other students apparently have the same idea. Unfortunately, they are working on what appears to be accounting homework, and bickering over a problem, LOUDLY. I’m trying to concentrate on my own work, but they just keep going back and forth, and it’s distracting, as their volume only rises.)

Me: *finally fed up* “Oh, my God. Just… give me the problem you’re working on!”

Student #1: *snootily, after glancing at the large self-portrait I’m working on* “Um, you won’t understand the terms.”

Me: *ignoring the fact that they’ve been bickering so long I already do* “It’s just f****** math. I don’t need the terms; just give me the numbers.”

Student #2: “Um… it’s [figure #1] and [figure #2].”

Me: “Are you f****** kidding me? It’s . It’s frigging basic division! Now, can I please get back to work in peace?!”

(They both glare at me and flip to the back of their book, then immediately look sheepish.)

Student #1: “It… it is .”

Student #2: *glancing at my homework* “So… Is that an elective, or…?”

Me: “No. I’m an illustration major.”

Student #2: *weakly* “Well, I guess you could always switch to accounting if you wanted.”

(Thankfully, after that, they were much quieter.)

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