Our winter clothing is on sale at 20% off. A customer (male, forties) comes up to me with a jacket marked $99.99.

Customer: “What’s 20% off of $99.99?”

Me: “20% would be about $20.00, so that jacket will cost you about $79.99 before tax.”

He and his wife then stare at me in amazement.

Customer: “How… how did you figure that out so quickly?!” 

Related:
Math Is Your Friend, Part 13
Math Is Your Friend, Part 12
Math Is Your Friend, Part 11
Math Is Your Friend, Part 10
Math Is Your Friend, Part 9

Caller: “I ordered a large pizza, but you sent me a medium!”

Me: “Sorry to hear that. To confirm, is there a large drawing of yellow cheese on the box or a big red tomato?”

Our medium boxes have a picture of cheese, and the large boxes get a tomato. Apparently, this concept is beyond the caller, and it takes at least five minutes to get her to figure out what is on the front of the box. After she sees that there is a picture of a tomato on the front:

Me: “And is the pizza filling out to the end of the box?”

Caller: “Yeah.”

Me: “It appears you have a large, then, ma’am.”

Caller: “No! This is a medium! You sent me the wrong size!”

Me: “How do you know it’s a medium?”

Caller: “It’s only got six slices! Your mediums have six slices!”

Me: “That’s just the number of slices. The size of the pizza is still a large.”

Caller: “No! It’s a medium! I’m coming back there, and you’re gonna give me a large!”

Me: “Ma’am, you can bring it back in if you like, but if I measure it and it’s a large, we won’t replace it.”

Caller: “We’ll see!”

She did come back, and of course, the pizza was a large. I just took the same pizza and doubled the number of slices. The caller grabbed it back, said, “Finally!”, and drove away.

A customer walks in and just casually drops two diamonds onto my counter.

Customer: “I have these two diamonds. Pretty sure they’re half a carat each.”

Me: “Are you looking to sell them or appraise them?

Customer: “Neither. I want you to combine them into a one-carat diamond.”

It took way too long to explain to him why we couldn’t do that.

Customer: “This dress in size twelve is $80.” 

Me: “That’s right.”

Customer: “But the size six is also $80?”

Me: “That’s right.”

Customer: “Shouldn’t it be half the price, since it’s half the size?”

Me: “That’s not how it works, ma’am.”

Customer: “No! I got a B in math at high school, so you can’t trick me! I know six is half of twelve!”

Me: “That’s not what I am referring to, ma’am. Dress sizing isn’t priced like that.”

Customer: “Get me your manager! You’re just not getting it.”

I call my manager and the customer makes the same complaint.

Manager: “Ma’am, [My Name] is correct. The dresses are all the same price regardless of size.”

Customer: “Did none of you do math in school?! The size six dress should be half the price of the size twelve!”

Manager: “Very well, ma’am. The price of the size twelve is now $160.”

Customer: “What?! You just doubled it!”

Manager: “Yes, and the size six is now half the price of the size twelve, as you demanded.”

Customer: “But… I…”

Manager: “Cash or card?”

She chose neither cash nor card but exit.

I overheard this on a train, clickety-clacking along the rails one calm sunny afternoon. A boy, less than ten years old, turns to his dad.

Boy: “Dad, why does the train keep clicking?”

What followed was a piece of bullcrap so brilliant that I am tempted to renege on my promise to never lie to a kid.

Dad: “Well, what is a train? The locomotive and the cars. But the cars are only riding along, so only the locomotive is important. And what is the locomotive? Electric engines and wheels. But the engines are rotary, so these do not click. That leaves the wheels, and what is a wheel? A disc. A disc is pi times radius times radius. But pi is a constant; you do not need it. And what is radius times radius? Radius squared. And corners of that square are what clicks.”