How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 28

, , | Working | August 7, 2017

(An unknown number calls my cell phone. I’ve been getting a lot of scam calls lately, so I decide to mess with them.)

Me: “Hello?”

Scammer: “Hello, yes, is [My Father] there?”

Me: “Oh, he’s not here right now.”

Scammer: “This is [unintelligible] calling from Windows Technical Services. We have detected a problem with your computer. Could you please open it up?”

Me: *thinking* “Score!” *saying* “Just a sec.”

(He’s called me pretty much first thing after I got into work, so it actually takes some time to unpack my non-Windows laptop.)

Me: “Sorry about the delay. Hello? Hello…? If you’re going to scam me, you could at least put some effort into it.” *hangs up*

Scammer: *calls back* “Hello. Why did you hang up on me?”

Me: “You weren’t responding.”

Scammer: “Yes, I was, I… I have the serial number for your computer here. Can we just confirm it and if it doesn’t match, you can hang up.”

Me: “All right…”

Scammer: “Can you look at the left side of your keyboard, what key is at the bottom left?”

Me: *thinking* “Oh, no. They’re learning.”

(My laptop has a different set of keys along the bottom than a Windows keyboard would. All of my “What’s a start menu” jokes, ruined! I turn away from my laptop, and pick up the keyboard to my desktop machine. It is covered in dust.)

Me: “It says C… T… R… L…”

Scammer: “Yes, what’s to the right of that key?”

Me: “It’s like… a rectangle, with some lines…”

Scammer: “Could you press that key, and tell me what happens?”

Me: “Nothing is happening. I’m pressing it over and over, and I’m not seeing anything.”

(This is 100% truthful. The desktop is not hooked up to the monitor; I do all of my work through the laptop. I don’t see anywhere to go with this, so I hang up again and turn off my phone. I soon realize that I should probably actually look at what I did, so I’m sure the desktop isn’t sitting around with a menu up or anything. When I manage to hook it up, I see a dialogue box that would let me tell a hilarious joke.)

Me: *thinking* “It’s just too bad they’re going to have rationally given up on me by this point.”

(I later turn on my phone, and get some voice messages, in which the scammer attempted to talk to my voicemail service like it was me, which didn’t work out well. Something like an hour later, my phone rings again.)

Scammer: “Hello, yes, this is [unintelligible] from Windows Technical Services.”

Me: “Oh, yeah, you guys called earlier! I pushed the weird rectangle button a few times, and nothing happened, but then I realized, my screen was off! I turned it on, and it said something about sticky keys, so that keyboard’s in the sink now.” *hangs up, as neither of us can possibly follow up on that*

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My Friend Is Such A Boob

, , , | Romantic | August 7, 2017

(My fiancé and I are cuddling in bed. It is important to note that while he and I have a faithful, monogamous relationship, I frequently cuddle with my best friend who is a guy. My fiancé is completely okay with this.)

Fiancé: *holding me tightly* “Mine!”

Me: “Yes, I’m all yours! But thank you for sharing me with [Friend] for cuddling.”

(My fiancé then puts his hand up my shirt and squeezes one of my breasts.)

Fiancé: “Mine!”

Me: “Yes, that really is all yours!”

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Lack Of Composer

, , , | Right | June 30, 2017

(A customer comes in asking for cello strings. Cellos come in five sizes and have four strings, so It could be any type.)

Customer: “Do you have cello strings for a child-size cello?”

Me: “Okay, we have a few sizes of child size cellos. If you rent it from us, I can look up your account and find the cello size.”

Customer: “We don’t rent it here.”

(The customer pulls out his phone and points to a picture of the cello.)

Customer: “I want this large string.”

Me: “Well, the strings come in different lengths… so I need more information than that.”

(He gets very irate and starts screaming.)

Customer: “Your customer service is out of line! I demand to be served by someone else.”

(My other colleague was busy and it took 30 minutes to serve him. Meanwhile I went on helping other customers. He eventually bought a string and left. My boss called me a couple hours later. Apparently the customer emailed him and told him I was rude, he should get full refund, and that I should be fired.)

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The Price Is Timely

, , , | Right | June 29, 2017

(I work in the deli of a supermarket, and I have just headed out on my 15 minute break. I stop by one of the registers so I can buy a snack for my break. The woman getting checked out in front of me has only a few items, including a pre-cooked rotisserie chicken.)

Customer: *watching her items being listed on the screen to see the total* “What? Isn’t the chicken five dollars?”

Cashier: “Oh, no, the chickens are almost always $11.49, ma’am.”

Customer: “No, I know this one is five dollars.”

Cashier: “Ma’am, I know that these are never that inexpensive.”

Customer: “Look at it; you didn’t even look at it.”

(The customer is starting to grow even more impatient and rude with the poor girl behind the register. The cashier opens the bag and looks at the chicken, spotting her mistake.)

Customer: “See? It says five right there on the tag.”

Cashier: “Oh, no, I see where your mistake was. This tag shows the time that the chicken was put out, which was five o’clock.”

Customer: “OH, THIS IS RIDICULOUS. I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS. YOU DON’T DESERVE MY MONEY. I’LL JUST GO TO [Competitor] FROM NOW ON!”

(The customer continued with this line of insults and complaints while the rest of her items were being rung up.)

Customer: “I don’t even want half of this s*** anymore; it’s too expensive now that I got ripped off on this chicken by you guys.”

Me: “Oh, wow, you’re right. It’s such a rip off when you can’t read the label right. You should bring it to the Supreme Court.”

(After that, the customer shot me a long glare, but decided not to complain anymore. The cashier thanked me for shutting the woman up and making her day a little better!)

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A Write Up To Bring You Down

, , , , , , | Working | June 29, 2017

(The bakery department in my store closed earlier than usual today. Since I work in the next department over, a customer asks if I know of anyone who can answer a question for her. I know very well that I don’t know the first thing about that department, so I tell her to wait by bakery as I get on the phone and call for the manager.)

Manager: “Well, have you tried helping the customer? How about trying that?”

Me: “Well, I’d be glad to, but the issue is I don’t know anything about bakery, so I’d rather ask for someone who knows the area first.”

(The manager hangs up, so I realize that I’m just going to have to bite the bullet and hope I can produce the answer somehow.)

Me: “All right, looks like I’m the one helping you today! I just ask that you bear with me, because I don’t really know this department very well, but I’ll certainly do my best! How can I help you?”

Customer: “This cake on display here, without a price tag, how much is it?”

(Sure enough, I haven’t the foggiest clue. However, after a moment of thinking, I head into the back room and start flipping through all the books stored back there. Finally, after a fairly large amount of time for so simple a question, I find the order guide and then the page with the picture of the exact cake the customer wants. I walk back out and tell the customer the price. The customer walks away thanking me for my help. The following day, the manager calls me over.)

Manager: “I’m writing you up for yesterday.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Manager: “I shouldn’t have had to tell you to help that customer.”

Me: “Okay, hold on. I had no problem attempting to help that customer, or any customer; I just figured it would be wiser to ask someone who knows the area to help the customer. What I was trying to avoid was me either being completely unable to help her or taking a much longer time to answer her question that it should take, which is what happened. Either one risks leaving an odd impression of our customer service on the customer, so to me, it was just better to try and direct her to someone more knowledgeable. Once I knew that no such person was available, I had no issue trying to help her. I thought quickly and ended up finding the answer she needed, so overall, I think I handled that situation as best as possible without any prior training in that area.”

Manager: “But I shouldn’t have had to tell you to help the customer!”

Me: “If you want me to always first try to help the customer before asking for assistance, that’s fine. However, this is a training issue, not a disciplinary issue. Four write ups in this store and you’re terminated. Do you really think that the act of being uncertain in an area I’ve never worked or trained for is so terrible that it should go on a list of reasons I should be fired?”

Manager: “It doesn’t matter. I’m tired of my side of the store getting the lowest customer service scores, so I’m not playing around anymore! If anyone’s customer service is not TOP notch, you get a write up! That’s it!”

Me: “And I don’t hold that viewpoint against you. What I’m saying is that there’s a difference between being incompetent and not having the training. If the employee never had the opportunity to first gain the knowledge, how can you then punish them for not having it?”

Manager: “Look, if you want to challenge this, take it up with the store manager.”

(I did just that. The store manager said that while I didn’t actually do anything wrong, the write up would still stay on my record.)

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