I am working at a returns desk at a department store. A man comes up to me.

Customer: “I’d like to return these silk boxers because they’re crap and are falling apart.”

It is summertime and the boxers have a holiday print, so he’s had them at least six months. Yuck! Unfortunately, our store bends over for customers, even when they are wrong.

Me: “Do you have a receipt?”

Customer: “No. I have my credit card bill from December.”

Me: “I am sorry, sir, but our return policy is thirty days.”

He flips out and I call for a manager, but they are all in a meeting. When I finally get someone, management says to give him the last sale price on a store credit. The customer isn’t having that.

Customer: “No! I want cash, and at full purchase price!”

After more screaming, I call management again; they say full-value store credit. He loses it even more, to the point where security is now watching him. I call again, and surprise, surprise, they give him a full refund in cash. Before he leaves, he leans over threateningly and says:

Customer: “If I need another return, I am going to make a point to go to you.”

I was left shaking from his yelling and from anger at management who let a minimum-wage employee get screamed at for thirty minutes for a $10 item. To this day, I can’t believe someone was okay with returning used underwear.

We moved into an apartment building which had been converted from a single-family dwelling. When we moved in, we ordered cable service simply because it was the only high-speed Internet in the area. This was the first time cable was installed to the building. We went ahead and got the entire digital package, since it wound up being cheaper with the bundle fee.

Our landlord grumped about the cable install because “TV is free through the air and no one needs Internet.” This was long before “ok, boomer” was a thing, but the sentiment was the same.

Fast forward a few months: it turns out our landlord has decided to get cable because he wants to watch all of the sports games and they’re not all “free through the air.” Who knew? Sadly, I learned about his cable order the hard way.

I get home on a Thursday evening and go to turn on the news, and I have no signal. Sometimes, that happens, of course. Likewise, my Internet is also out. Since I have VOIP, this means no phone, as well.

Fortunately, my in-laws’ place is just down the road. I head down there and discover that they have full service, so I use their phone to call in about my cable being out. The company reports that it is active and shows service. When I get home, there’s still nothing.

The cable company finally agrees to send out a tech the next day to troubleshoot. They guarantee me a service window of 8:00 am to 12:00 pm. I call my boss to let him know I’ll be in to work late.

The next morning rolls around, and the cable guy shows up and notices that, while my service is active, the cable was physically disconnected from my apartment and swapped to my landlord’s apartment. He swapped it back and then called in to his dispatcher from my living room so I got to overhear the conversation.

After a bit of back and forth, they discovered that the installer for my landlord’s service the day prior had shown up, discovered an active line, and rather than running a second cable, he just swapped mine over to the landlord’s side and called the job done. He was supposed to string a line from the pole to the house for the new service, like was on the order.

Since this wraps up close to lunchtime, I decide to eat at home before going to work. As I’m eating, I hear a frantic pounding on my apartment door. I go to answer and it’s a different cable tech. It’s the installer from the day before, who has been called off whatever job he was working in order to complete the install for my landlord that he screwed up yesterday. The installer has decided this is a good time to tell me off for calling in the problem, and don’t I know how hard it is for him to have to come back and fix it?

My landlord and I both call in complaints about his attitude and behavior. I mean, I might have felt bad for him having to, like, do his job and all, except he didn’t do it right and inconvenienced me and then whined about it. And then, he blamed me for putting him in the position of having to come back to do his job right the second time. So, no, I didn’t feel bad at all. F*** that guy.

I am not athletic in the slightest. I’m very overweight from overeating and minimal exercise. So, when I call my mother to tell her I spent the day hiking with friends, she’s skeptical. No matter how many anecdotes or landmarks I tell her about, she just doesn’t accept that I did something so physical for hours.

Me: *Exasperated* “And then I threw up from exertion!”

Mom: “Okay, now I believe you.”

I just laughed.

Customer: “Do you have that new book on JFK?”

Me: “Well, there are always books coming out about him. Several are published every year. One that came out this week is right behind you.”

The customer picks up the book.

Customer: “Oh! This is the one I was looking for. Thank you!”

I say goodbye and leave her to read on her own. She returns a minute later.

Customer: “Sorry, but I’m confused.”

Me: “Oh, is that not the JFK book you were looking for? I can look up to see what else has been published recently.”

Customer: “No, that’s okay. I know this is the one, but when I looked it up online it had a different cover, and it was more about his love life than his politics.”

Me: “Let me get this right. You are looking for a book with a different topic and cover. Are you sure that book your holding is the correct one?”

Customer: “I’m sure. Oh, well.”

She put the book back.

I have a friend who, despite identifying as female, dresses entirely in men’s clothing and is often mistaken for a guy. She has a very feminine name, as well.

We are walking through the bag and pocket check at a theater. My friend empties her pockets, begins to drop some quarters, and walks off without noticing.

Security Guard: “He’s dropping quarters everywhere!”

The guard takes a closer look at my friend.

Security Guard: “She’s dropping quarters everywhere!”

The guard looks at her yet again, this time very confused.

Security Guard: “They’re dropping quarters everywhere!”

He looks at me, desperate. I decide to help the poor guy.

Me: “Hey, [Friend]!”

The guard has a sudden spark of recognition.

Security Guard: “OH! [Friend]! [Friend]!”

She finally notices what’s going on and turns around to find me laughing like a maniac and the security guard looking at the both of us with a very sheepish expression.

Friend: “What?”

Me: “You dropped your quarters.”