Hey, Boss, How The [Dolphin Sound] Are You?!

, , , , , | Working | July 31, 2020

I’m the office millennial, and I often use phrases from TV shows and movies from my childhood, such as, “No, this is Patrick,” “Hakuna Matata,” and, “She doesn’t even go here!” I’m also not known for swearing.

One of my managers and I are pretty close and hang out a lot outside work. She also has a daughter around my age and likes to use the lingo she learns with me, so I try to sprinkle some of these phrases into everyday conversation.

One day, I’m discussing tasks I have to do with my manager.

Manager: “So, do you think you can do that this afternoon?”

Me: “Yep.”

Manager: “Are you sure? You can ask [Coworker] to help you with the filing, since I need these numbers today, and those can wait.”

Me: *Smiling* “Abso-f******-lutely!”

Manager: “Uh…”

Me: *Realizing what I just said* “Oh, my goodness! I did not mean to say that! I was trying to say, ‘Absotively posilutely,’ which is still childish, so not much better, but I did not mean to swear!”

Manager: *Laughing* “It’s okay! Girl, I swear ten times a day in here; I was wondering when you’d crack!”

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These Customers Like To Linger(ie)

, , , , , | Right | July 31, 2020

I am working the registers at my store and the phone happens to ring when there are no customers waiting to be rung out. It is a male customer on the phone that sounds as though he must be at least thirty.

Me: “Thank you for calling [Lingerie store, Location]. This is [My Name]; how may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, hi, I was wondering what sort of stuff you carry?”

Me: “Well, we carry a range of items from cotton sleepwear, to lingerie, to bras and panties.”

Customer: “Do you carry anything for younger girls?”

Me: “Uh, well our main line is geared towards women in their twenties and older, but we do have the PINK line that some of the younger girls tend to like.”

Customer: “See, I was looking for some lingerie type thing. Could you tell me what you have?”

Me: “Well, sir, unfortunately, I can’t describe all of our options to you over the phone, but you are more than welcome to come in and take a look and one of the associates will be happy to help you.”

Customer: “All right, what’s your name?”

I’m more than a little bit creeped out so I give him a fake name. He decides he wants to come in to look, but he wants my help. When he hangs up, I get on the headset.

Me: “If anyone comes in asking for [Fake Name], they’re looking for me, but please let me know so I can go hide in the back. Thanks!”

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Weed Out The Cheapskates In Your Life

, , , , , | Related | July 28, 2020

My paternal grandmother is notorious in her cheapness. She will have a pantry full of canned goods and take out one can of soup every two weeks, mix just a bit of the contents with a quart of tap water, and cook that on the stovetop. She does this to “make it last.” She will also go to swap shops and come home with the same junk my father is trying to get rid of. This is just to set up for the story of her greatest incidence of cheapness.

Almost twenty years ago, my church’s youth group is trying to raise money to send the kids to a weekend convention. The youth leader has figured that for tickets, accommodations, and gasoline for multiple vehicles, they’ll need to raise six hundred dollars.

My grandmother has a job they can do. Her property has a clay tennis court and a gravel driveway that needs to be weeded. Twelve teenagers arrive at her house at 8:00 am and weed both surfaces until 7:00 pm. As I am one of those teenagers, I am hoping we’ll get what we need for the trip.

I walk in to hear this exchange between the youth leader and my grandmother:

Youth Leader: “All right, [Grandmother], do you need to go to an ATM to get the rest of the payment?”

Grandmother: “Oh, don’t be silly. That’s the whole payment.”

Youth Leader: “[Grandmother], we just had a dozen people working in hundred-degree heat for eleven hours, and you’re saying that was only worth eighty dollars?”

Grandmother: “Well, of course. They’re not adults, so why pay them as adults?”

Some of the oldest kids in the youth group have joined me in time to hear this and, while the leader is biting his tongue, the oldest kid lets her have it.

Kid: “That explains why you couldn’t find a professional to do it. You probably tried to cheat them, too. Next time you need some chores done around here, don’t come to us.”

Even to her dying day, my grandmother never saw anything wrong with underpaying us that day. It’s part of the reason I cut ties with her before she died.

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The Couponator 18: The Digital Revolution

, , , , , , , | Right | July 26, 2020

I work at a bulk membership club. The club is taking extra steps to ensure the health and safety of employees and customers during the current health crisis.

One of these steps is making all coupons digital-only: use the membership app and load them onto the card. However, some customers are so entrenched in the old way of physically clipping coupons that every day we get some variation of, “Well, I wasn’t informed…”

Me: “All right, that will be [amount].”

Customer: “Oh, wait. I have all these coupons.”

Me: “Ma’am, due to the outbreak, all of our coupons are done digitally now.”

Customer: “What? Since f****** when?”

Me: “Since the beginning of March, ma’am.”

Customer: “Well, nobody ever told me that.”

Me: “Ma’am, it says so on the first page of the coupon book, on the large sign at the front of the store, on the TVs that you passed by on your way in, and on the PA system every half-hour.”

Customer: “Well, I didn’t see or hear any of that, so you have to take my coupons.”

As I’m about to call a manager, the PA system starts the prerecorded spiel about digital coupons. I watch as the customer claps her hands over her ears.

Customer: *Very loudly* “This is age discrimination, you know. I’m too old to know how to use these app things and if you keep this s*** up, I’m going to complain to the State about this!”

My manager arrives and she says the following:

Manager: “Ma’am, first of all, I won’t have you swear at my cashier. He has tried to help you. And in reference to your last statement, I see you’re not carrying a flip phone, so your [Expensive Smartphone] should be able to handle our app.”

Customer: “No! This policy is f****** stupid, and I won’t download your stupid app just to use my coupons!”

Manager: *To me* “Void her transaction and ring up the next person in line.”

Customer: “How dare you?! I’m a f****** paying customer!”

Manager: “You’re verbally abusing my cashier because you’re unwilling to learn new things, so he’s going to ring the next person in line while I show you how to use the app. Then, you’re going to apologize to him for swearing at him for something that is out of his hands. Then, and only then, will he ring you out, and then you will be a ‘paying customer.’ Do I make myself clear?”

The customer was at least five inches taller than the manager, but the sternness in her voice made the customer back down and move out of the line. Ten minutes later, she very meekly apologized and checked out, not making eye contact with me. A small victory for essential workers, but it felt good.

The Couponator 17: Attack Of The “Programmer”
The Couponator 16: Enter The Entree
The Couponator 15: The Transaction Void
The Couponator 14: Multiple Attack
The Couponator 13: Coupons Of Purchases Past

This story is part of our July 2020 Roundup – the best stories of the month!

Read the next July 2020 Roundup story!

Read the July 2020 Roundup!

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Now THAT Is A Resolution Specialist

, , , , | Right | July 15, 2020

I work for a national insurance company. Insurance is highly regulated as it’s one of the only organizations whose prices vary due to risks like age, location, education, gender, etc., from state to state.

One of the ways we assess risks is by doing occasional inspections — going to properties and seeing if they are in a good, safe condition. 

I get an escalated — supervisor-level — call from a customer. She has spoken with us several times over the last few weeks. We are cancelling her insurance because she doesn’t have steps to access the front door to her home… just a sheer dropoff. 

Me: “Miss [Customer]? Thanks so much for holding. My name is [My Name]. I’m a resolution specialist. The previous representative said you had some concerns about the cancellation stays of your home policy. How can I help?”

The customer goes on to explain how she has called us several times, how she has had the stairs installed, etc. I can see that we have gone through all appropriate channels and requested exceptions from managers and the like. All requests have been denied and the final standing is that we cannot provide her coverage. She has been notified of this by several different people, several times, over several days.

Customer: “I don’t care what your managers have said. You will give me coverage.”

Me: “Oh! I’m so sorry for the frustration this has caused. I can see you’ve spent a great deal of time with us on this matter. Let me just say, I really appreciate your interest in wanting to still be a customer with us after all this inconvenience, and time, and effort, and…”

Customer: “Wait. Continue to be a customer? No. Actually, I don’t want to be your customer anymore!”

CLICK! Problem solved.

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