They’ve Expanded Their Range For The Holidays

, , , , , | Working | December 23, 2019

(My credit union coworkers and I are doing a Secret Santa. We all have a very sarcastic sense of humor that jives well with the group.)

Coworker: *unwraps a gift to reveal a garment box* “I wonder what it is…”

Manager #1: *loudly and excitedly* “That’s S & M!”

(Everybody stares at the manager with shocked expressions.)

Manager #1: “Right? That’s S & M, isn’t it?”

Me: “I sure hope not!”

Manager #1: “What? It’s nice! I go there all the time!”

Me: “We don’t want to hear what you do in the bedroom!”

Manager #1: “I don’t understand…”

Manager #2: “Do you mean H&M?”

(Everyone laughs uncontrollably.)

Coworker: “Ooh! How lovely! A scarf!”

Manager #2: “I guess it could be S & M.”


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An Ale Of A Tale

, , , , , , | Working | December 19, 2019

(I’m at the grocery store with a small number of items. This particular grocery store asks that all alcohol be placed at the end of your items. I don’t have any alcohol, but I do have a six-pack of ginger beer, which happens to be at the end of my order. Please note, if you’re not familiar with ginger beer, that it’s not actually beer. It’s a soda that’s simply very gingery, but it’s not beer, just like ginger ale is not ale.)

Cashier: “Can I see your ID, please?”

Me: *not really paying attention* “Huh?”

Cashier: “Your ID, please.”

Me: “Oh. Wait, why?”

Cashier: “For your beer.”

Me: “I’m not buying beer, though?”

(The cashier points to my ginger beer.)

Me: “Oh! Sorry. That’s just ginger beer.”

Cashier: “Yes, and I need your ID.”

Me: “But why?”

Cashier: *sighs* “It’s the law, I have to ID everyone for alcohol.”

Me: “But it’s not alcohol!”

Cashier: “It’s beer!”

Me: “It’s ginger beer. Not beer.”

Cashier: *sighs again* “[Manager], could you come here?”

(The manager is at the next lane and comes right over.)

Cashier: “This lady is buying beer but doesn’t understand that she needs to show her ID.”

Me: “It’s not beer!”

Manager: *lifts up the six-pack* “That’s not beer; it’s ginger beer. It’s not alcoholic. She’s fine.

(Neither the cashier nor I made eye contact as I paid and hurried out of there.)

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We Call Bull(dog)

, , , , , | Right | December 17, 2019

Our clients are never able to spell their breeds correctly, which usually leads to a few funny things. I’ve seen a “S***-A-Poo,” aka Shih-Tzu/Poodle mix, and then there was the “Paptest,” aka Papillion.

I swear on my paycheck these are really written on medical documents at my company.

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New From SyFy: Cryo-Mice Of The Future!

, , , , , , , | Working | December 16, 2019

(I am talking with some of my officemates and the topic of snakes comes up for some reason. I have a pet corn snake, of whom I am very fond. One of my coworkers is pretty terrified of snakes, but he has a lot of questions about them even so.)

Coworker: “How big is this thing?”

Me: “About two to three feet. Not venomous, pretty chill.”

Coworker: “What does it eat?”

Me: “He eats mice. That was the one weird thing I had to get used to: keeping mice in the freezer.”

Coworker: “He eats frozen mice?”

Me: “No, you have to thaw them out in hot water or they can’t digest them.”

Coworker: “So, then what? The mouse comes back to life?”

Other Coworker: *facepalming* “[Coworker], it’s not cryosleep. It’s a freezer.”

(I was too busy giggling to answer. I’m sure my snake would love it if they actually came back to life, but… no.)

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Unfiltered Story #179758

, , | Unfiltered | December 13, 2019

(Me and my dad are at a popular supermarket when we walk past a mother and a young girl, who must have missed behaved.)
Mother: If you keep this up you’re going to be eating soup- I mean soap.
Dad: Did you hear that? The kid’s going to be eating soup.
Me: Yeah.
Dad: She said soup before she said soap.