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Did He Want The Number One At The Box Office?

, , , , | Right | October 6, 2020

On game days, the movie theater where I work only allows people with movie tickets to use the restrooms, to keep people from making a huge mess.

A man walks by a huge sign saying restrooms are for movie tickets holders only and comes up to me.

Man: “Miss, where are your bathrooms?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but bathrooms are for movie ticket holders only.”

Man: “I’m seeing a movie at nine after the game.”

Me: “Well, if you buy your tickets now you can use our restrooms.”

The man starts walking away, looking angry.

Man: *Rudely* “Thanks for nothing!”

Typical Men Problems

, , , , , | Right | October 2, 2020

A regular and her five-year-old daughter walk in. The mother explains to me that her daughter wants a book to give to her brother, who is nineteen. The daughter walks up to me.

Daughter: “I want a book about men.”

Me: *Utterly perplexed* “I’m sorry?”

Daughter: *Insistently* “I want a book about men!”

Mother: “Do you mean you want a book with men in it?”

The daughter can’t figure out what to say next, so she just looks at me expectantly. The mother and I are completely confused. We try to figure out what the daughter is saying, and the girl only gets more frustrated that we don’t understand.

Mother: “Wait, do you mean you want a book with a picture of a man on the cover?”

Daughter: *Beaming* “Yeah! A book about men!”

I am pointing at the display rack for books on sale, many of which have men on the cover.

Me: “Why don’t you try looking over there?”

Daughter: “That’s it!”

She ran off. After she and her daughter picked out a book — a biography about a survivor on the Titanic — the mother explained to me that her son had a bookshelf full of biographies, many of which had their subjects on the cover.

At one point, her daughter must have noticed the pattern on her brother’s bookshelf! A few weeks later, the regular returned and mentioned to me that her son enjoyed the gift, though it was the last thing he had been expecting.

Speaking Is Hampered

, , , , | Right | October 1, 2020

Caller: “Hi, I am calling for my free hamper.”

Me: “I am sorry, ma’am, but you have the wrong number; this is a speaker company.”

Caller: “Well, let me speak to you about my free hamper.”

Me: “We are not that kind of speaker company.”

Caller: “Why not? I want my free hamper!”

My boss comes over.

Boss: “Ma’am, I understand you are looking for a free hamper.”

Caller: “Yes, sir, I am.”

Boss: “We ran out of hampers, ma’am; I am sorry.”

Caller: “Well, why didn’t you say so in the first place?!”

They Need A Town Hall To Discuss The Town Hall

, , , , | Right | September 26, 2020

I work for a town government. Due to our state’s regulations regarding the health crisis, we are not able to accommodate customers in our usual Town Hall, but fortunately, the Community House next door has been turned into temporary “customer service” windows for our use.

On the doors of the Town Hall are signs explaining that the building is closed but that the Community House will be open, and explaining the opening hours. We also issue a press release explaining the new hours and location in the local paper, on community TV, and on the town’s official Facebook page, Twitter, and home page of the website.

We were closed to the public from the beginning of March to the middle of July and have only been open for about two weeks, so we understand that this is new and a learning curve for our customers who are used to going to Town Hall. We explain the new hours and location, including address, to every person who calls in wanting to come to visit in person.

Me: “[Department], can I help you?

Customer: “Yes, hi, I was wondering how to go about [process]?”

Me: “Okay, well, there are a few ways to do that. You can either do that online at [website], you can do it through the mail or through the dropbox, or we also have new hours from [days and times] at the Community House, which is located at [address].”

Customer: “Oh, you’re open? Oh, that’s great! I’ll send my husband down right away! Goodbye!”

Me: “Okay, thank you! Bye!”

About fifteen minutes go by. The phone rings.

Me: “[Department], can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, my husband was just down there at Town Hall, and he said the doors were locked and there was a sign on the door saying you were closed. I thought you said you were open?”

Me: “Yes, Town Hall is closed, but I said the Community House was open. We are right next door. It’s the same building as where you vote. Tell him to go there and look for the ‘ENTER HERE’ signs on either side of the building.”

Customer: Oh, okay. I’ll let him know, thanks!”

Me: “No problem, bye!”

A couple of minutes later, I hear someone try to open the “EXIT ONLY” doors. We have been instructed not to let people in that way, but since the “ENTER HERE” doors are only fifty feet away on either side of the exit door and clearly within line of sight, I figure they will figure it out soon. The phone rings.

Me: “[Department], can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, my husband was just at the Community House where you told me to send him, but the doors were locked! You said you were open!

Me: “We are. Did he try the doors with the large ‘ENTER HERE’ signs?”

Customer: “No, he went to the door that we always go in!”

Me: “Okay, but those doors are being used as exit-only doors right now. There is a big sign on those doors saying, ‘EXIT ONLY’. He needs to go to one of the side doors that say, ‘ENTER HERE’.”

Customer: “Well, you should have made it more clear!”

Me: “I’m sorry. The signs are large, about three by four feet, and have big, bold, red letters with ‘EXIT ONLY’ and ‘ENTER HERE’ written on them.”

Customer: “Still, you should make it more clear!”

Me: “I don’t know how, but I will pass on the comment.”

Customer: “And furthermore, you should have made it more clear that the Town Hall was closed and we were supposed to go to the Community House!”

Me: “I did explain that on the phone.”

Customer: “Yeah, but I saw it on the website, and you should make it more clear!”

Me: “The website says the Community House is open. It also says Town Hall is closed.”

Customer: “Yeah, but you should make it more clear!”

Me: “It also has the address on it.”

The Town Hall and Community House have very different street addresses since they face different streets.

Customer: “Still, you should make it more clear!”

Me: “The signs on the Town Hall say it’s closed and to go to the Community House.”

Customer: “You should still make it more clear!”

Me: *Sighs* “I’ll pass on the comment.”

I told my supervisor who just laughed.

The Twilight Sparkle In Their Eyes

, , , , , | Right | September 25, 2020

I’m in line at a sandwich shop ordering a meatball sub.

Customer: *Behind me* “Excuse me.”

I turn around to see a woman in her early fifties wearing lots of jewelry.

Customer: “Is that a My Little Pony on your shirt?”

Me: “Yeah, you a fan?”

Customer: “No! That show is evil and you are a degenerate!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “That show ruined my son! Now he has dyed his hair in rainbow colors and he buys toys for little girls and goes to these awful conventions with smelly people that do the same thing!”

Tears begin to run down her face. People in the store are turning to look.

Me: “Ma’am, maybe you shouldn’t be so judgmental of me or your son. It’s just a show that a lot of people happen to like, a show that teaches about the value of friendship and acceptance. Perhaps you could stand to learn a lesson or two from it yourself.”

Customer: “No! My son had such a promising future and now he’s admitted to me that he is a homosexual! It’s all that d*** show’s fault! People like you ruined my son!”

She reaches out to slap me, but I quickly deflect the blow.

Me: “Ma’am, please don’t touch me. I train regularly in Krav Maga.”

The woman grabs her forearm where her arm had met mine.

Customer: “Help! This degenerate struck me for standing up for my beliefs!”

She looks, wild-eyed, at the small girl behind the counter, who has watched the whole thing without saying a word.

Customer: “You! Call for your manager and have this society-destroying pariah thrown out of here! He assaulted me!”

Manager: “I am the manager. And I just saw that whole thing. It’s you who had better leave. I won’t have you assaulting people in my place of business for wearing shirts that express their values.”

The woman stomps out in a huff without ordering any food. People sitting at the tables and in line begin to clap for me and the manager.

Manager: “Sorry about that. And hey, the sub’s on us. Because nobody messes with Twilight Sparkle.”

She reached over the glass to give me a high-five, even after I insisted on paying for my lunch. And wouldn’t you know it? Her phone number was written on the napkin she put in my bag.