How To Get Rid Of Pests

, , , | Working | February 21, 2021

I’m working a summer job at a family-owned and operated farm store and café. In the café, we have a large glass case full of house-made artisan pizzas. This store is in a very affluent neighborhood, so we often have customers who rarely step out of their ivory towers to mingle with us commoners.

A country-club lady is looking at our breads and pastries. I am waiting patiently for her to choose something. Suddenly, she starts shrieking.

Country Club Lady: “There’s a fly in the pizza case!”

I turn to see a lost little house fly trapped in the case.

Me: “Yeah, that happens.”

I should mention that this is an open-air store full of fresh produce and greenhouse plants. Oh, and right outside the open doors? THERE’S A FARM!

Country Club Lady: *Continues shrieking * “That’s completely unsanitary! I will not be buying a pizza!”

I turned away and rolled my eyes as I released the little fly. She flounced away and we never saw her again. Her loss. Those pizzas were good.

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Trash Talking Over And Over

, , , , | Right | February 20, 2021

I work in town hall, and we just had a snowstorm overnight into the morning of about six to twelve inches. As an employee — but not a resident of the town — I sign up for emergency management alerts so I can be informed in case a resident calls.

I receive a text the night before the snowstorm saying that trash pickup will be delayed a day all week due to the storm. I receive an automated phone call not five minutes later with the same information. Later in the night, I also receive an email with the same information. It’s safe to say that trash will be delayed a day this week.

First phone call of the day:

Me: “[Department], can I help you?”

Resident: “Yes, hi. I was wondering if my trash will be picked up.”

Me: “Trash pickup is delayed a day this week.”

Resident: “But will it be picked up?”

Me: “It should, unless you have a different problem with your trash.”

Resident: “No, it’s fine. I was just wondering if they would pick it up.”

Me: “Yes, they will pick up.”

Resident: “When?”

Me: “They are delayed one day this week.”

Resident: “But when would they pick it up?”

Me: “One day after your normal trash day.”

Resident: “When would they pick it up, then?”

Me: “What day is your trash normally picked up?”

Resident: “Today.”

Me: “Then tomorrow. They will pick it up tomorrow.”

Resident: “Why tomorrow?”

Me: “Because that is one day after your normal pickup day.”

Resident: “But why not today?”

Me: “They are delayed because of the snowstorm.”

Resident: “I just don’t think they should be delayed. They should pick it up today.”

Me: “Every public school district in a twenty-mile radius is canceled for today. Several businesses are closed. Parking bans are in effect here and in [Cities and Towns near us]. The road crews are doing a great job, but the trash company doesn’t feel it’s safe to collect today and interfere with the road crews.”

Resident: “I just don’t understand why they can’t pick up today. It’s inconvenient for me to have to wait another day.”

Me: “Okay. Well, I hope you have a great day, and stay safe out there.”

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Email Fail, Part 30

, , , , , | Right | February 10, 2021

I’m in charge of a contest sponsored by a historical preservation organization. I’m in charge for the entire organization, and there are more people in charge at the regional, state, and local levels.

I get an email.

Email: “Hello, I’m wondering where to send our entries to for the contest. Thank you!”

I write back within minutes of receiving the email, first thanking the writer for participating, etc.

Me: “Are you a local or state contest chairperson? Local chairs will send to their state chair; state chairs will send to their regional chair. What state are you in?”

The next day, I receive a new email — not a reply to the original — from the same person.

Email: “Hello, I emailed yesterday. Where do I send our entries?”

After thanking the person again for participating in our contest…

Me: “I wrote back yesterday; maybe you didn’t see it. I don’t know what state you’re from. Do you need contact information for a state or regional chair, and what state are you in?”

Two days after that…

Email: “I’ve emailed you twice and I finally decided to look on the website. You should have this information somewhere that’s easier to find!”

Or just respond to my emails? Or maybe even just tell me who you are in the first place?!

Email Fail, Part 29
Email Fail, Part 28
Email Fail, Part 27
Email Fail, Part 26
Email Fail, Part 25

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Going Round And Round

, , , , | Right | February 5, 2021

I overhear my coworker on a call.

Coworker: “[Department], may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, yes, I’d like to know if you have a rotary there?”

Coworker: “I’m sorry, a what?”

Customer: “A rotary.”

Coworker: “Like a telephone?”

Customer: “No! A rotary!”

Coworker: “Rotary with an R, right?”

Customer: “Yes! A rotary! Do you have one?”

Coworker: “Like, in town? There are no rotaries in town. There is one in [Town next over] and a few over the bridges in [City next over].”

Customer: “Are you kidding me? None in the entire town?”

Coworker: “Well, I mean, we’re not very big, so…”

Customer: “But seriously? No rotaries at all?”

Coworker: “Uh, no, I don’t think so…”

Customer: “You think or you know? Which is it?”

Coworker: “We don’t have a rotary.”

Customer: “Ugh! Well, where can I find one?”

Coworker: “Again, there’s one in [Town next over] or a few over the bridges in [City next over].”

Customer: “I can’t believe it! No banks or lawyers in town have rotaries?”

Coworker: “I don’t… are you sure you mean rotary? Like where cars drive around in a circle?”

Customer: “What? No! I mean a ROTARY! R-O-T-A-R—” *Pauses* “Notary. I mean a notary. Someone who can witness a signature.”

Coworker: “Oh, okay. Yes, we have three notaries in our office.”

She came in twenty minutes later, very nice and polite, and apologized for her misspeaking.

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Going Off The Rails

, , , , , , , | Learning | February 2, 2021

A physics professor walks by, pushing a piece of equipment on a cart.

Me: “Hey, [Physics Professor], what’s that?”

Physics Professor: “Railgun.”

Me: “Uh… whoa. What class is that for?”

Physics Professor: “None. Just wanted a railgun.”

About half an hour later…

Biology Professor: “Hey, [My Name], do we still have that old dartboard? [Physics Professor] wants to borrow it for some reason.”

This story is part of our Best Of February 2021 roundup!

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